Funnies for Parents

Cleaning your house while your children are growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello-o to a tree.
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Even if not true, it makes a good “wee” tea story.
The Tea Party
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?
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THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN (oh so true)
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Accidents:
1st Child: You see them about to trip and fall…. you will sprint across a couch/coffee table and anything else in the way to attempt to save your baby.
By the time you get to number four, you just watch and say “Yup, gonna hit”
1st Child: You hear a thud in the bedroom and run to check if your baby is alright.
4th child: You hear a thud and wait for a scream. If they scream they’re ok, if not, go check.

GRANDCHILDREN: God’s reward for allowing your children to live.

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Things you learn raising kids… boys in particular:
(Apparently from a mom who raised 3 boys in Texas)

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in acrowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is notfunny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

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A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.
“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”
“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

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Toddler’s Creed

If I want it, it’s mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

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The Christmas Pageant
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn’t been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we’d been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was onlyfour years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, “If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella.”

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn’t want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding… when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
In spite of changing overtwenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn’t keep my promise to be a perfect mother – I didn’t even come close…I did keep my promiseto raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God,and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to “wash up” Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life,and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his “last wife.” My proudest moment came during the children’s Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line,
“We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes.”
But he was nervous and said,
“The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes.”
My four-year-old “Mary” said,
“That’s not ‘wrinkled clothes,’ silly. That’s dirty, rotten clothes.”
A wrestling match broke outbetween Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, “Mama-mama.”
Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, “We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur.”
The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.
“I’ve never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,” laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.
“For the rest of my life, I’ll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur.”
“My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing,” I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
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Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what…..
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?” She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.” “Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little
feathers down there!” “Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.” He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!” She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!

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Modern version of the Birds & the Bees…..
Little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The
father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said: You’ve Got Male
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Mustard Story
I Love Mustard. (If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . “Poupon.”
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Teen Poverty:
We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men We observed didn’t even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.
But that wasn’t the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy’s jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren’t even their daddies’ good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them. It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can’t afford a decent pair of jeans I was thinking about asking my
church to start a jeans drive for “poor kids at the mall.” Then on Christmas
Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor
teenagers. But here is the saddest part…it was the girls they were hanging
out with that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen
such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the
guys. They all had to wear their little sister’s clothes. Their jeans were
about 5 sizes too small! I don’t know how they could get them on, let alone
button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had
on their little sister’s top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they
were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see
these almost grown women wearing children’s clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys,
because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear
exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was only held together by a single piece of string.
We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our
American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closets full of
clothes nearby, there are millions of “mall girls” who barely have enough
material to keep it together. We think their “poorness” is why these 2
groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies! ‘ ripped jeans,
and girls wearing their younger sisters’ clothes. The mall is one place
where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing
your shopping , and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say
a prayer for them? And one more thing ..
Will you pray the guys’ pants won’t fall down, and the girls’ strings won’t
break?
We thank you all, Two Concerned Grandmother

Kids and the Bible

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk
grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and
maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE
EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS.

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY
HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE
WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME
ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF
FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY
HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY
A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT
THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA
LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS
SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE
LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO
LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700
PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG
THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY
FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659—CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady
got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will
reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,” and
I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth
time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.”
“CASE DISMISSED!!”

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Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian’s
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered. “I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but
I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not
saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read

Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that
you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom
P.S. LESSON OF THE DAY… NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

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The English Plural
according to ….

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes;
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese;
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.