The Power of Boil and Simmer: An Analogy
This is a really good explanation of what I have tried to explain as your stress bucket. This analogy makes a lot of sense. Not sure of the original author, but love the way this concept is presented here:
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This is a post I recommend sharing with others as everyone can benefit from having this tool in their toolbox as it works wonders for teaching emotional regulation and honest communication. It’s long but give it a read.
This idea of being at a constant simmer was presented to me years ago by a very wonderful therapist. I have then adapted and expanded on it to make it my own but I do not want to take credit for the original ideas.
Think of yourself as a pot of water on the stove. The flame underneath represents all of the negative crap we encounter each day. The stresses, hassles, unexpected changes in plans, sick kids, fighting kids, angry boss, fight with a partner, loud noises, headaches… it all adds heat to the flame.
If you are a room temp, you can take a lot of heat before you boil over. Those are the days when you find yourself having grace for the a**hat who cut you off on the interstate, when you handle a fight between your kids with the calm of Zen monk, you don’t get defensive when your partner accuses you of something- your ability to handle the unexpected changes in the day is awesome. But even if you start the day at room temp, by the time you make your way home from work, or kids are begging for dinner, you find yourself at a simmer.
A simmer is when you are feeling anxiety, stress, and frustration tugging at you and your ability to take on more heat is greatly limited. When you are at a simmer, it doesn’t take much heat to get to a boil. When you are at a simmer, you may look fine on the outside but the next fight between your kids brings out the Hulk instead of the Dalai Lama. When you are at a simmer, your reaction to the next negative encounter results in what may seem to others as an overreaction- note: never tell someone they are overreacting unless you want to really see an overreaction. Many people live at a constant simmer. Especially now. Feeling overwhelmed and in a state of chronic exhaustion is the perfect recipe for waking up at a simmer and boiling over faster and more frequently than one knows they should. Pretty soon, you find yourself living at a boil.
A boil is when you are mentally, emotionally done. You have nothing left. You are pissed, frustrated, and you don’t need anything else to happen to boil over, simply continuing as you are will get you there and people better stand out of the way or risk getting burned. A boil is when you are yelling at your kids and then your partner walks in the door and mentions the trash hasn’t been taken out and you lose your cool. A boil isn’t pretty, but it’s life and isn’t something to be ashamed of.
Okay- so we got the terms down. What next?
First you need to start identifying when you are at a simmer and boil. And then you need to communicate that to those around you. For us, this step alone has proven to be invaluable. If I find myself extra anxious and at a simmer, I immediately express that to my kids. I’ll say “hey girls, I’m at a simmer, so if you choose to fight right now- you’ve been warned”. That gives them the context of understanding that my reaction is based on me being at a simmer. Otherwise, it can be really hard for them to understand why I may have reacted totally differently to the same situation the day before.
The girls use it too- Finn will yell “I AM AT A FULL BOIL EVERYONE! FULL…FLIPPIN BOIL” as she comes inside- I won’t have any context but I know that I need to respect her state and not choose to remind her to clean her room at that moment. This has been so useful when Bill has been working on fixing something that is proving to be one of those projects that make you want to smash the broken appliance with a hammer, set it on fire and then inform the company that their dishwasher is the spawn of satan- he will inform us that he is a boil and we know that right then isn’t the time to tell him about hole in the fence that needs fixed or tool that may have gotten broken.
Simply recognizing and communicating when you are at simmer or boil is so helpful to creating a household of compassion and understanding. However, there is one final step to bring this full circle. This is a fun visual to do with kids and brings us to the final step. When I teach this, I always ask the questions “how do you cool off boiling water?”. You can also demonstrate to them how quickly water can go from a simmer to a boil by increasing the heat.
There are two ways. Remove the pot of water from the heat, or add ice cubes. What does this look like in life?
Removing from the heat source means removing yourself from the situation that is creating you to get to the boil. This just means leaving the room and going somewhere away from the source of heat. Removing from heat will stop the boil but you will stay hot and simmering for a time. Adding ice is a more drastic action, cools you down faster but requires doing something to jolt you out of the boil. For my kids, it has meant spinning in a circle as fast as they can until they fall down laughing. Or me putting on happy music for a dance party. It almost always means laughing- and luckily, I’m well versed in making a fool of myself to get a laugh. It can also mean physical action. When your body is engaged in an activity your brain can’t focus on being angry as well as if you are simply standing or sitting. So, for me, I may sprint up the hill to the garden until I can’t catch my breath. Or I’ll seek the comfort and snuggles of goats, go out into the woods and work in the timber or if the stars align- actually get in a solid workout. I also teach the kids that sometimes, the source of the heat isn’t going anywhere, so learning to add ‘ice’ to keep yourself cool despite the heat still being turned on is such an important skill. Your boss isn’t going to change- but how you let him impact your temp is in your control. You can even have a jar of “ice cubes” to pull out for ideas when you or kids need help cooling down.
If you have this common language, by simply saying where you are at, you will immediately feel the relief of having spoken it out loud and not carrying it inside. You now have the permission to take action and those in your home understand why you need to step outside for a moment. I have found that not having to say anything but “I just want you to know I’m at a simmer right now” has meant everyone is more willing to communicate where they are at than if they had to explain exactly what was going on. My girls know they can tell me why they are at a boil but that’s their choice, I’m going to respect their space without question.
We are living in a time when it feels like so many are walking around at a simmer and there is a tension and fear of setting them off. A kind word, smile (yes with a mask you can still see smiles), moments of compassion can all help turn down the heat for others. Do your best to not be the source of heat for others. Take responsibility for your words and actions and give yourself grace along with your fellow humans when mistakes are made.
If you find this helpful, please let me know and share with others and do check back in to let me know if you give it a try and how it worked out! And please do “like” or “follow” the page, as silly as it may seem, it actually does make a big difference in these posts being seen by those who may benefit!
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