October 6 2021 evening: Darrel June 23, me May 20. We’re both on the cusp meaning more intuitive, and on the cusp of Gemini has been our mutual “wild side”. Cancer and Taurus. Perfect match in so many ways. I have many intimate moment memories I will always cherish with him. Some crazy fun memories too.
I was not the one who got to marry him or have his kids. (Although he was the one man for whom I would have gladly got a reversal if he had asked). I was not the one to get to go on crazy adventures and trips, or have pictures plastered on social media. In fact, like Larry and Andy, I do not have a single picture of Darrel and me together.
What I do have though, is an unmistakable cherished soul connection and a heart connection that is eternal. Just as our mutual Spiritual Lessons proclaim “Follow your Soul Mission” and “You are eternal”. He has just gone before me to his next soul mission.
What I do have is the consolation that I got to see Darrel at some of his lowest points in life and to encourage him to find himself again. I remember once he was not behaving himself so I called him out on it. He told me that is exactly why he comes to me. Because I am “the respectable one that wouldn’t let him do anything stupid”.
I was quite intrigued with the video I watched yesterday, even through the tears. I watched another video by Dawn Hayman about animals and their view of death, which can also apply to humans. It was fascinating yet bittersweet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bF8UTZgFKc&t=2s
My take away from this one:
Life and death are a circle of transitions. When babies are welcomed at birth, we are excited. It is a transition into new life here. When souls transition from death here, we are sad, but they have an excited welcoming party on the other side. So, our grief just depends on which side of the circle you are on.
I know for sure Darrel has his grandma Lucy, buddy Shane, Andy and probably Larry too and who knows who else. One of my last conversations with my son in law Larry was telling him about Darrel actually.
Just thinking too, Darrel had a particular favorite pet dog as a teenager and I am pretty sure they are together again.

October 7 2021: Last night before sleep, I did some more soul healing work. I did have a very nice dream with Darrel in it. Hopeful, but when I woke up at 230 am, I needed to do some more energy clearing realizing the dream was just a dream. I connected with Muriel, a practitioner friend, today. Lots of chatting and more soul work.
After watching that video yesterday, I know I need to raise my vibration and laugh more in order to be able to notice any messages he might send from the other side.
I have been reminiscing of some memories. I told Muriel of some more cherished memories from when we dated years ago and that through tears I was sharing those memories with my kids the other night.
How many times he had to move sleeping kids out of my room so he could stay the night. Actually on one of our recent calls, I told him I want to make room in my life for him again. I missed calls because I was on client calls a few times.
The old Aerostar van held a lot of Darrel memories. Quite often we would just go for a drive to escape family and kids.
The nights he stayed over at my place, I would make him leave his shirt with me for the nights he only called. I loved his scent. He thought I was weird, but he complied with my request anyway.
He would watch TV late in the evening and he wanted me to keep talking to him until he fell asleep. Sometimes we would just fall asleep on the phone, good old land line phones back then.
After he moved away, his mom had a garage sale. I got that night table, but I didn’t buy a pencil case full of POGS that had his name on it. I told him about it though. He was choked that I didn’t buy those and keep them for him. Silly POG collection lol.
I don’t remember why we didn’t go out together for new years. I think he was out with buddies instead. But January 2 2000, we went cruisin’ with a friend of his driving. Darrel was more preoccupied with me. We drove all over town for a few hours in a little 4 x 4 truck. Then decided to check out some trails but got stuck in a few feet of snow. Got out and went cruisin up in Thornhill subdivision closer to where Darrel lived. There was a lot of icy roads and we went around one corner that was particularly icy. Didn’t quite make the corner and ended up in the ditch. Thankfully we were in a 4×4 truck and his buddy was a good driver. We all rocked the truck back and forth and slowly inched ahead in this ditch then our driver gunned it over a snowbank to get out on the road again. We could not believe we just did that so we got out and all stared at the tracks in the snow. I also took a few pictures. I am pretty sure I did give pics to Darrel soon afterwards, but years later, probably 3 years ago (2018) I made a memory box for him and tucked those pictures in the box. He loved revisiting that memory. I wonder if he still has that box or any other stuff I may have sent in care packages over the years. Kinda curious if his family might find anything from me in his estate of belongings.
Oh how I wish I could just call him and hear his voice again, to curl up and hear his heart beat again.

October 9 2021:
I have a wonderful network of energy healer friends. Several have reached out to support me through the last week with various modalities of spiritual, soul, and energy healing. Considering that just a week ago I wanted to curl up and just die along with Darrel, I am actually feeling pretty good. But I also feel awful that I am not a wreck right now. At least I don’t think I am, all things considered. My mind keeps playing tricks on me that maybe this nightmare isn’t real. I mean, I only found out on social media from his friends and family posting on his social media wall. Darrel didn’t even go on social media much. He didn’t like much of anything technology. Maybe this is all some cruel practical joke to leave his past behind and start a new life. That I could believe from all the things we talked about over the years, and especially recently. I could see through him any time he was not being straight with me. And he confirmed I was usually right. I think that bugged him a bit, but was also comforting in a way. I always told him I was leaving seeds in his mushy heart space. I called him Shiny Diamond many times too.  He really was a diamond in the rough. A beautiful soul. I think many of his friends and family have more private settings because I can’t see much for tributes to him other than what is tagged on his wall. Being from a small town though, word gets around and I have heard a few more details. It is only when someone passes that long lost people come out of the woodwork and you find out just how many people are affected by the life of one person in so many different ways. With our conversations, and being able to tune into his energy, I know his deepest hurts and I did try to support him through finding his way through his own healing path.
I just am having such a hard time with wondering why he “checked out” now. I do understand that souls go on to their next spiritual soul mission, but I wanted him so much in my life again as a relationship.
A well meaning friend suggested there’s another man out there for me. I have always cleared my energy for Darrel “or better”, but honestly my heart was SET on HIM! I told him many time, out of 7 billion people in the world, I wanted HIM. How can I even think of a future when my heart is so raw and void right now?
One healer friend who works with past lives confirmed what I have been told several times before by various healers, that Darrel and I have such a strong  connection because we’ve been together in at least 6 past lives, but also feels we were also married in 4 of those lives, and would have been married in this life as well. That really tears me up inside. I have dreamed for so long that “my wish” would finally come true.
Another friend has offered a shamanic journey reading regarding Darrel but suggested I wait a few weeks. I would love to take her up on that offer. I am super curious what would come of it.

October 10 2021: It is Canadian Thanksgiving today. We are days away from the 3rd anniversary of Larry’s passing, we’ve just lost Darrel days ago. Today is my ex husband’s birthday and he just got remarried back in June after contacting me for our divorce details. Going through a loss, a grieving time sure brings in a mortality check of looking at life as futile. What’s the use? What is with the STUFF we own and what happens to it when we are gone. We spend our life chasing materialism while denying our personal growth, until we have a wakeup call somewhere along the way. Thankfully I started a true healing journey many years ago.
Each time Darrel and I connected, he seemed so intrigued with my progress in life, new philosophies gained, and fascinating insights I would share with him.
I remember sending him some meme quotes. One he liked best was about how the down times of life are just an arrow being pulled backwards and to aim high in life. He loved that one. Somewhere in these conversations we talked about how he has been so influenced by dramatic, insecure, and imbalanced women for much of his life. When a woman is balanced in her Divine Feminine, it is her purpose to lead a man to his spiritual side and his own Divine Masculine. We talked about how he had become complacent after his last major relationship experience. He was so mad at himself for allowing himself to be there for so long. One of our conversations back in March this year, he admitted that he cut off many people from his past because he thought he was making a new better life for himself with her. He was even convinced that I was the crazy one at one point, which he regretted. I am certainly not perfect, but he knows that I am “different” and I have done my own work. Through our conversations after that, he wanted to know the Truth of why he was the way he was. We all have life lessons, and I think his experience there was to learn to accept himself fully in such a way that he would find the strength to leave that situation. Life lessons suck monkey balls some times. Through some energy balancing I shared with him what his energy revealed of his past traumas and how that may have affected him. He was making strides in understanding and bettering himself. I got to see a much more balanced and mature side of him again, which made me love him even more. Now I am reeling with remembering our last conversations of being so hopeful for a future and the possibility of having him back in my life much more. I love our philosophical chats. 
His kids were his life and today I can only wonder how they are doing today, Thanksgiving, without their daddy.
I went through this 3 years ago losing Larry over Thanksgiving weekend. My grandchildren lost their daddy then too and our family’s holiday occasion has never been the same since. I have a special tea cup that we put out for Larry’s place setting at our holiday tables. I don’t have anything from Darrel though other some pictures.
I am kinda curious if his family will find anything from me in his belongings. I had made him a memory box with some pictures in it. If he still has that, I hope it will go to his kids.

October 12 2021: Today is the 3rd anniversary of the accident that took Larry’s life so those memories are now triggering in me with losing Darrel now as well. Thanksgiving weekend has never been the same and even now, our family dinner just seems to be “going through the motions”. I made a huge turkey dinner for Sunday for just me and 3 kids, one grandkid. I took a large plate of dinner in hopes that I might actually eat a lot for once in the last two weeks. Nope. Got half way through my plate and let the dogs have the rest. My body is still reacting in grief and yet my mind is playing the grief process tricks on me.
If I was that important to Darrel as he was to me, wouldn’t he have made more effort to come see me? With other obligations in his life with work and kids, and now travel restrictions etc… I don’t know. Plus, he had other things going on that he explained as well. Example he had knee surgery and could not drive for very long. I am sure we could have worked something out but then now I think of the spiritual implications that maybe I was saved from more grief or from holding him back to leave the earth plane when he needed to. If I was that important in his life, would anyone would have known to contact me in an emergency? Again, I look back on events with friends and family, and I think things unfolded the way they did because I was not supposed to know. You can bet that I would have done anything in my power to prevent him from leaving this earth plane. Maybe my only purpose was to support him towards his next soul mission.
It really messes things up for earthly 3D thinking when you factor in spiritual aspects. And I know now more than ever that our soul connection was definitely more spiritual than earthly.
Last night I had some confusing dreams again. Like I could not “see” Darrel happy on the other side yet because something is holding him back still. I did figure out that one of his “Spiritual Lessons” with certain people in his life was to “let go of Attachments”. I know so many times we talked about how he felt trapped in expectations and could not fully step into his own Divine Masculine Power. Darrel had some addictive personality traits that held him back as well. Or it was others expectations of him that interfered. That sounds like making excuses for him. I assure you it is not. Ultimately he knew it was his own choices that made the difference to change and to grow. I knew him to be a beautiful soul and we did talk a lot about spiritual stuff. Many of our talks were about seeing the spiritual or energy psychology aspect of his life and his choices. I had explained to him the mature love theory that to truly love someone, it was to love them in such a way that they had the freedom to choose to stay or to go.
I think the fondest last memory I will hang on to about Darrel is how he was almost in tears thanking me profusely for the endearing birthday message I had left for him in telling him just how much he meant to me and touching on my favorite memories of him. And our very last actual conversation talking about the possibility of rekindling the romantic relationship we had before.

October 12 2021: Darrel was always the practical joker trying to get a rise out of anyone susceptible. Knowing he went through French Immersion schooling, I remember asking him to say something in French just for fun to see if I could figure it out since I had taken some French in school and my kids’ relatives are French. I had bugged Darrel quite a few times and he wouldn’t give in to say something for me. When he finally did, he said it so fast that all I could catch was “mange” which I knew meant “eat”. My hopes for him saying something sweet and/ or sexy were dashed when he finally admitted that he had said “eat sh*t and die”, with that guttural “gotcha” kind of laugh he had when he “won”.
In several of our conversations since January 2021, I had told Darrel about my GRIT/ Story Athlete membership and the Heroic Self book I received. He was intrigued, even though he didn’t like reading, and I offered him the book to read if he ever got here to visit. I remember a while back I had balanced his assemblage point (HAP) and mentioned that in my course, there had been a case study of an alcoholic that went on to get a university degree after energy balancing the HAP. He was pretty excited to tell me “Do that to me!”. I did try my best anyway.
When I chat in my practitioner forums with all my energy balancing friends, we have our niche of language there that we all understand. I know Darrel was on a higher spiritual path than appearances may have seemed because he “understood” me like no one else ever has outside of my practitioner circles. I know at one time when I got him set up with another practitioner session, he was told he was an old soul. I firmly believe that he was an old soul with some of the deep and meaningful conversations we’ve ever had.

October 18 2021: where did the week go? Thank God for my healer friends keeping me grounded so I can still work with my clients and keep my mind off things. I have been keeping busy there at least. Still no answers or details other than “remembering him” posts on his FB wall. He didn’t even like social media.
I have been having some triggers… Had a client this past week with Darrel’s birthday. Just a small trigger there. Went out on errands with my son the other day. Music playing was November Rain which switched to something with lyrics “take my life”. Poor Jared then realized I was full on tears. November Rain was my song for Darrel eons ago and I am not even sure why I had chosen that song other than ” nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain”. Or the wedding/ casket scene on the video. I don’t know. Had a few other teary moments through the week too. He’s only 42 years old and his kids are 15 and 13. Why was he taken so young??
It’s been a hard week all around. The anniversary of Larry’s passing was October 13. A whole other set of triggers and tears. AS FB memories are coming up, I am slowly cleaning off social media and turning that all into a memorial page for him. It is hard. So many tears.
Had a few dreams this past week of various ways that I passed as well. Not good. I have a few more appointments for ME this next week. One is a past life regression session which I have never done before. I have been writing lots other than what I share here, just letting out the pain and confusion. Grief process sucks monkey balls.

October 19 2021: Memories: Darrel was a really good cook. Gets that from his momma as she has always been a great cook. With our similar German backgrounds, I loved that he appreciated different foods, like my favorite sauerkraut and pickled herring. When I visited him in GP, he had to go to work. Without any maps I managed to find my way around and picked up a few baking supplies then got back to the apartment and made an apple strudel cake. Darrel had fallen asleep on the couch after work but woke up to the aroma of fresh baking. Unfortunately I knew nothing about altitude affecting the cake rising properly. Different than what I was used to back home. The cake was completely inedible. Any other time I made baked goods for him it had all turned out, just not that one time I tried it at his new place. Ugh.
I have mentioned before that we would talk on the phone for hours on end and that if he wasn’t at my place, he often wanted me to keep talking til he fell asleep. The weird thing was that any time I was near him in person, I got absolutely tongue tied and tumbled over my words. He always teased me about that and made me blush often. NO ONE else has ever had that effect on me. I figured it was because the chemistry between us was so intense that I “glitched” lol. I loved Darrel’s laugh, and his kisses were the best ever.
Years later, I knew a friend who had been married 30+ years and her husband still had that effect on her.

This morning I had that past life regression appointment. I have never done that before and I am honestly not sure what to think of it. I am not very visual at all. I get “words” tho. There were a few confusing things to come out of it that I am hoping to figure out in the next while. One part was a scene that I pulled away crying because someone (Darrel?) had died, and I apparently was married to him there. Just weird and confusing. Gonna have to sit with that one a bit to figure out whatever I am supposed to learn there. I have been feeling very “clear” all day though, so that is a good thing.
In a discussion with a friend today, Pluto Square Pluto and Saturn Return came up. I am still trying to wrap my head around that one in how if apparently affects our life choices, lessons, and time line events.

October 22 2021: Today is a cry day. It is a real mind f— with having half my thinking on the spiritual side and understanding soul work etc, and the other half of me grieving in my humanness of never having the chance to have him physically here with me ever again. Replaying over and over my last words to him, our last conversations. His number is on my favorites on my phone so that is a trigger every time I open it up. I can’t take it off there yet though. Looking through all the texts, the flirting between us. I still blush with those memories. Remembering his voice and his laugh that has always made my heart skip a beat. How it has never mattered how much physical time has passed, we always seemed soul connected and just picked up again. The intensity between us, I always felt that. The last time I actually saw him I got to go dancing with him for a little while and then sleep with him all night feeling him and his heartbeat beside me. Then a tender kiss goodbye.
Now I have so many questions tumbling through my mind. So much of why didn’t I know, why did he not reach out to me more these last few months as he had in the past, did I even mean anything to him? Why just after I say relationship does he die? Why so many painful missed connections? I know I meant something to him, I know he felt our connection too. He had his ways of saying and showing that with me.
With several intuitive friends telling me the last few years that they “saw” us together soon, hand in hand, that we were meant to be together…. I’ve had my heart set on him and no one else. Then I keep thinking of all the things I know about him and reason that his physical body was tired and he was frustrated with life. This past year especially he was doing so much soul searching. Of what I know of the other side, I know he is wayyyy happier now with no attachments weighing him down. Someone reiterated today that he chose his exit point before even coming here, so all these questions are just humanness and unnecessary. He is closer to me now in heart than he was in life with living in separate towns and having other factors against us still. I look at his pics, into his eyes and I see my own heart. 
Honestly, I have been doing ok… I mean my head is actually clear. Until something triggers. Like a client with June 23 birthday. Or another one talking of her loved one who is 42 years old. Or a song played today “owner of a lonely heart”, or feeling awful for two teens left behind, his daughter 15 and son 13. 
I just want someone to say it is all untrue. To see his number on my phone again. At least he knew in direct words every time I talked to him that I loved him dearly and what he meant to me.

October 24 2021: Conversation in one of my forums just hit me over the head with another strange realization. With all the earth energies changing and upgrading, we are all upgrading to Crystalline energy. Schumann Resonance has been off the charts for quite a while now. Some humans cannot handle this energy upgrade to 5D so they are transitioning out of 3D instead of ascending to 5D.
As mentioned, Darrel loved all this energy work stuff. We talked about things he had been through in his life and all the energy work made sense for him. With a play on words with his last name “Koehl”, I told him that coal under pressure turns into a diamond. I explained that with energy work, we were polishing Koehl into a diamond. He always said he is a diamond in the rough. So I started calling him Shiny Diamond. With him ascending/ transitioning now, he is Crystalline energy, and a real Shiny Diamond. Mind blown.
More? I had told Darrel in our last conversations that I signed up for this Akashic course and my first intention with it was to figure out our soul connection. Well… I haven’t done anything with the course so far. Yesterday I finally went into the group and introduced myself and also explained why I haven’t got started as my original reason to sign up for this course died, literally.
I had a few comments on my post including this one: “Thank you for sharing, and I feel compelled to say that I feel that through this course you’ll learn to channel him. And maybe part of his journey was becoming your guardian, and it’s something that in the physical he couldn’t accomplish. I pray you can find comfort knowing that the Masters Teachers and Loved Ones are with you, including this love that has now transformed”.
WOW!!!!!! My humanness has been wretch in anguish realizing I will never have the chance to be with him physically again, but my soul understanding is realizing he just had too many earthly interferences here to be able to step into his Divine Soul mission or to be with me fully and completely. Now he really is closer to me in Heart and Soul than ever before. I think I am getting ready to dig into this course a bit more now with realizing Darrel will now be one of my Loved Ones in the Records. I have always known he was an “old soul”.
Ok, so… MORE… oh ya. This is where things get interesting and only my spiritual minded friends will understand this twisted story… We lost Zoomer, our 19 year old cat that passed back in March. Then we lost Niko and Ebony within days of each other back at the end of July. No luck in finding them so far. My heart has been broken and super lonely without little furballs around so we were thinking of getting a “couple” more kittens. Midnight has been super clingy, so more company for him too. I kinda “put it out there” recently to find a couple kittens. No ads or anything, just awareness. Saw some posts and some tags so I messaged a few people. Only one person had 3 males available. I said we were interested in 2, but would consider all 3. Conversation back and forth, they were too young just yet. Then they messaged again asking if we would take momma too. They are moving and need to downsize their pets and responsibilities. We went for a drive yesterday to pick up all 4. Momma’s name is Linda and she is just so sweet, very much like our Smudges we had years ago. Two calico dark ones and a light one that I was SO drawn to!!! That one is MINE. I kept hearing that I should name him Darrel… but.. I don’t think that would be right. After a conversation about crystalline energy today, I have named him Diamond! Who names their cat Linda? Weird. But she is 2 years old and already aligned with her name. Then it dawned on me tonight, Darrel had a lady in his life who he referred to as his “other mother”. Her name was Linda.
Mind blown again… I can just imagine Darrel is laughing his ass off and rolling his eyes at all this. He was more of a dog person, but he’s going to have to get used to my cats. OH… and these kittens were born sometime around September 22 or so. Maybe part of Darrel’s soul has come back as Diamond, my new little kitty.

October 29 2021: Our instructor for the Akashic course commented on my post: Admin “I am so sorry for your loss Jackie N. Rioux. We are not separate from one another so you can have a loving relationship with him in the spiritual realms and not in human form. I would suggest asking more questions in the records about how you can connect with his High Vibrational Soul in his whole form. I would also ask how his passing is impacting your bodies and how you can support all aspects of yourself in this stage of grief. ❤ Sending you a big hug and lots of love and light”.
Renewed hope? More understanding of soul missions? I was offered and took advantage of a “Shamanic Death Lodge Journey” this morning. Another thing I have never tried and not sure what to expect there. I was not able to visit with Darrel just yet as he is still in the Healing Garden. Larry came through with a message though “dont worry about Darrel, he is ok”. And another message about my grandson.
I also had another energy balancing session today. There was more spiritual body healing needed between Darrel and I. More came up about my hesitancy to get into this Akashic course, that I MUST get started asap.
I haven’t written here for a few days. My humanness is arguing through this grief process in continually asking WHY him? Why now? Why just when I had spoken my heart to him and had so much hope? Then my spiritual side is understanding that we do NOT ever understand soul lessons on this human level, especially someone else’s soul journey. Darrel is much closer to me now than he ever has been, without any kind of human attachments or interferences that held him back previously in physical form. Every time I hear a song, I am triggered again and now realizing how much music and different songs have made me think of Darrel in various ways. Music is the language of the soul…

I need to settle into this course in a big way to figure out my own soul patterns. Right now I feel like I am scared to ever love someone on such a deep level ever again because they just die anyway. Once I figure out my own soul patterns, then I can do my best to heal and make different choices for my human and soul future.
Our GRIT context yesterday was about optimizing our environment. This was part of my post: : “Sometimes this also includes vision boards, posters and post it notes of affirmations and prayer intentions. Sentimental and meaningful items especially. We create our world though these methods.
I have a Reiki box full of affirmations and prayer intentions for myself and my loved ones. My children have acquired suitable employments, vehicles and other material things. They have achieved goals as well as I have over a number of years and I have realized what in my Reiki box has come to fruition. I have a treasure box of pictures, memories, hand written letters. My computer contains digital format emails and sentimental letters as well.
What happens when a loved one passes away? That is where I am at right now. Looking around my home and my treasures to realize how many pictures and items I have here that are memories of Darrel. His number is under faves in my phone yet I will never see his number come up again that always made my heart skip a beat to hear his voice. All our texts…
Its been 3 years since my SIL passed and I still have his texts in my phone as well. Is this optimizing my environment in holding fast to these cherished memories in this way? I dont know, but I am nowhere near ready to let any of it go. 
This past month has been sadness for me in losing my soul mate. I am doing better now and moving forward with some renewed hope of spiritual connection still intact. We will always have that at least”.

November 1 2021: One of my energy healer friends is in GRIT and reached out to me yesterday. Had a Body Code session with him. OH MY GAWD!! I don’t know why this stuff didn’t come up previously, or what triggered it all now, but holy crap. Nasty energies, curses, detrimental 3 way cording between me, Darrel and some other people in this life that have negatively influenced him and interfered with our soul connection. There was even a saboteur energy of a “thorn in my side”. Thank God that is gone now. Today I feel super clear headed and in purge mode to get rid of anything in my home that is lower vibrational energy. I mean I do that lots already, but… just more needed now. Back when Darrel was so relentless in wanting to date me, I knew then of some of the interferences in his life that would be factors against us. Years later I had so much hope that maybe we/ he had overcome some of those factors and that he could step into his Divine Masculine again, and into his spiritual gifts… But that didn’t happen. I am humanely sad that I don’t think he accomplished as much in his life as he wanted to. (He was envious that I had jumped out of a plane and he hadn’t). Bucket list kind of things. I don’t think he ever got over that loneliness feeling in his heart either. The way we were talking back in 2018, he was doing so well then. This past year, I am not sure he quite got to that stage of feeling complete in himself. That makes me sad. I did have so much hope for him, for us.
Yet… I just read something today https://www.matthewbooks.com/november-1-2021/ that gives me a little more hope and understanding as to why Darrel left the Earth plane now. Honestly, I think his physical body was just tired and done. And all these hindrances and interferences held him back from living his life to the fullest. Plus, as this article says, many souls have completed their karma here and some are leaving by choice because of the V. That is my theory now anyway. I doubt his earth family understands that aspect, and I doubt they are open to it. I’ll probably never know. I have been so connected with him energetically for so long that I am pretty sure my thoughts on this are accurate.
What I do know is that Darrel and I have been soul connected for a very long time, even through past lives. He is my soul family and I can only hope now that I will be able to connect with his “whole higher vibrational self” through this akashic course. This all remains to be seen, but at least I am more hopeful now.
All of my “Johnny Cash” love story with Darrel will just be a distant memory.

November 2: I have a dresser that I inherited from my Great Aunt back in 1989. Darrel had moved that dresser in front of the bedroom door one night and broke the leg on it. Every time we have connected there was a joke between us and a reference to that broken leg. That dresser is leaving today. I need to get it out of my bedroom. I still have all his pictures in his bedside table and all my prayer intentions with his name on them in my Reiki box in my bedroom, but the dresser needs to go. Just makes me cry remembering those kind of intimate memories with him.
I have now found out more misunderstandings that have come to light. Nothing I can do about that. Just hurts to be taken the wrong way when HE knew me through and through. Not that any of that matters now. I also found out that this accident was September 19… which would be why I didnt hear from him after the message I left on September 18th. He ALWAYS called back, but he was usually the one to initiate calls anyway. Who knows if my message was the last he heard, but I think I am sort of ok knowing that in that message he heard words from my heart in reference to some of my most treasured intimate moments with him.

November 7 2021: Lots of tears today too. I moved his pics from my room to my treasure chest. Along with his poem that I have printed on parchment paper. I found a bunch of papers explaining all the Twin Flame connection between us too. I keep going over so many conversations we’ve had over the years, especially the last while. I know from what I have learned about souls getting ready to transcend that they “get their affairs in order” kind of thing. More recently, he was always saying he didn’t want to get old, that he was going to stay 28 forever. He loved that pic I took of him here, so that will be my favorite memory of the way I want to remember him. I remember Darrel called me one night back in March 2021 I think. He was absolutely livid like I have never heard him before. He demanded to know the truth of why he was the way he was and why he has made the choices he has made that he has ended up regretting. He had just had a long conversation with his sister. Apparently that night he had found out some things about certain people in his life that were “truths” he had not known, seen, or understood previously. He knew from previous chats that I can tune into his energy and tell him things that he could not put into words. I explained a bunch of what I have figured out from all the energy balancing I have done with him. I have seen his deepest hurts in a way I am sure no one else has. I know a lot about the ancestral patterns in his lineage. I would bring up the imbalances and he would explain more if he knew what they were. He loved the energy balancing and it made sense for him, and he said it helped him lots to feel calmer. I guess this is why I am feeling so lost now. For years I have always gone to sleep asking to clear my energy, my family, and Darrel and his kids. Now I have just been asking for any kind of soul intervention work he needs to fully transition, because I am pretty sure he is still in the Healing Garden. I hope he did have a chance to straighten out any falling outs he had with these certain people before he passed. If not, the soul intervention work will help let him go in peace and also not carry all that karma forward.
I am so thankful that I had the intuitive sense to speak my truths and he KNEW how much he meant to me in words.
Lots of thoughts tumbling through my mind constantly. We both loved music, although he was more country and I was more rock, we still appreciated both. We both loved dancing although I could not two step with him very well. Slow dancing was much better. I am realizing how many songs that seem to trigger some memory of Darrel. We had a similar upbringing with our parents being friends, growing up same neighborhood. We both have German background.
There are some intimate things between us that I know for me are only Darrel memories. Not sure for him with his experiences, but I know there were some words or memories I could bring up and he would immediately smile with those dimples and a twinkle in his eye. I am also feeling lost knowing that his phone number will never come up on my phone again. Darrel and I both have a past with other relationships and experiences and yet no one else ever had the chemistry and effect that he had on me. He knew it and would tease me often just to make me blush. I must have had an effect on him too for all the times I remember he just wanted me to talk to him and soothe him to sleep with my voice and words.
Writing is helpful in letting out the hurt. I have been writing in GRIT every day with some references to Darrel there. Those daily contexts are here:

https://ladybugwellness.ca/grit-october-2021/
https://ladybugwellness.ca/november-grit-2021/

November 10 2021: This morning I had an energy balancing session with my lady in UK, Sue. Always interesting stuff comes up. Unless you understand energy and the metaphysical reasons behind imbalances, all of the notes from this session won’t make a bit of sense. In layman’s terms though: I had major imbalances in my ovaries, stuck energies in my throat chakra not being able to accept that he is gone. Sabotage and “will to survive” energies due to how his family and friends have always rejected me in not being suitable for him. (They wanted me to disappear, I have never felt “worth it”).
There are more and more energetic and spiritual imbalances coming up that make me realize that my physical body has been imbalanced for a very long time because in my heart I was “married” to him and I had always wanted to have his baby. I have not had quite that level of soul connection and longing with anyone else. Maybe now my physical body will stop waiting for him and go through menopause as it should have a while ago.
Some people say that when a loved one dies, that their heart died with them or went with them or however they describe their connection and pain. Until you have a “soul level” connection with someone in a romantic sense, you will never quite understand the feeling that my soul wanted to leave and go with him.
A few years ago, Darrel gave me permission to work on his kids energetically. I think that opened up an intuitive connection somehow because I would feel a need to correct and imbalance and let him know. He was particularly grateful when I let him know that I felt something happened with his son at school. He was able to deal with the situation quickly. There were a few times that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone needed an imbalance corrected. I have not had that happen in a very long time.
3 times this past week I have had a “wake up call”. One night I could feel Darrel’s pride quite strongly in “getting it right” when he married Allison. Another night I felt an urgency to correct an imbalance for his daughter. And the third time, I just felt like he was with me all night. That was comforting and I hope he visits often that way. I think I felt a kiss on my cheek that night too. I am trying to open up my intuitive clairs so I can “see” him more than just sense and feel is presence.
Another memory: Darrel had a thing for Shania Twain and he used to tell me I looked like her. I am not sure about that lol. I miss his kisses most of all. I have been told that tomorrow is a Twin Flame portal so I should be open for another visit of some sort. I can hope… 

November 14 2021: Posted on social media today:   Back in August 2021, I signed up for 2 different Akashic Records certification courses. While this was a way to offer a new service to my Ladybug Wellness clients, I also had a way more personal and selfish reason to take these courses. I wanted to explore and learn more about my own soul purpose, and the deep soul connection I have had with Darrel Koehl for many, many years. All my aspirations with this course got put on hold when I found out he had passed away.
With encouragement from my mentors and teachers, I now understand that we have not been disconnected and are in fact way more connected now than ever before.
If you have never experienced a deep soul connection with someone, it is like an intense chemistry of knowingness. While Darrel and I did converse a lot, many things between us we just “knew”; with time, space, dimension never being an issue. Having grown up in the same neighborhood with a similar German background upbringing, our earthly soul family connection goes back a long way, most of our lives actually.
Yes there has been a helluva lotta tears. My physical body has definitely been grieving and reacting to the heartache of never being able to enjoy his physical presence again or seeing his number come up on my phone again, but I have a renewed hope of being able to experience a loving relationship as predicted, on a whole different level, without the earthly attachments, hindrances, and interferences that were factors against us in this life.
The first few days, it was not just that I felt my heart died with him. My soul wanted to leave and go Home with him as well.  I am so grateful for my own energy balancing skills and the network of  energy healers that I am blessed to call friends. They have stepped up in a big way to assist me in keeping grounded and releasing the emotional charge of pain and heartache these last few weeks. I have been able to balance my mental and emotional state of mind in order to keep my energy vibration high so I can continue to connect on the soul and spiritual level with his Higher Vibrational Whole self. 
We had talked so many times of stepping into our own power, following our Soul Mission, the past life connections between us. That fascinated him immensely. The Spiritual Lessons between us, I have learned, are “Follow your Soul Mission” and “You are Eternal”.  I have always known Darrel to be a beautiful old soul. I just didn’t realize he would be stepping into his Divine Soul Mission at a whole different level by dropping the shackles of this earthly life and leaving the physical plane before me.
I had no idea how seriously he would be taking his nickname “Shiny Diamond” in transitioning to ascended Pure Crystalline energy. Mulling over and reanalyzing our past conversations, particularly the last few years, I am realizing we have been soul talking all along, and now so many things make sense! “I love you, I love your body, I love your soul”. I have always told him that his heart beat feels like Home, and more recently referenced the Johnny Houlihan country song. Darrel loved and was always fascinated with all the energy work I did with him and how it made sense for him. He always gave me great feedback that gave me more insights in this work.  In our very last conversations, I had told him I signed up for these Akashic courses so I could explore more about the soul connection between us. One of the very last things I said to him was that my favorite thing was curling up with him and listening to his heart beat, and referencing his poem in my website yet again. Less than two weeks later he left his physical body.
From the first intuitive prediction of “you’re going to fall for a country boy” where 6 months later I was dating Darrel, to many other intuitive connections over the years, to the most recent “you’ll be hand in hand for many happy years”. I suppose this is a whole new way of understanding “take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, Living on a Prayer”. 
I have been working through this course this past week and opening my clairs so I can better connect in the Akash, but also with Darrel. I have had at least 3 visits this past week. I can see him radiantly happy now. Pure authentic joy. I felt his love for Allison and his pride in “getting something right” here on earth. I felt his love for his kids strongly. And I felt his presence keeping me company all night a few times — hearing his heartbeat in a different way now. Death is only a doorway, and the veil is thin. 11:11 is a Twin Flame portal. Now I can look forward to more visits and a loving relationship with Darrel as my Spirit Guide and Heavenly Soul Mate.

November 24 2021: Some good, some bad, and lots of triggers since I last wrote here. Last week I volunteered to be a case study session on video to show one of our latest subconscious healing methods. (Actually this was the last energy balancing I had done with Darrel and explained to him in our last conversation. He had said it made him more focused).
I have had issues with this particular practitioner previously, and ironically it was partly about Darrel then and again now. On video he brought up a detrimental energy and said it was from “the fellow recently deceased”. No other details through the whole video, just that one. I felt he was projecting his own issues on me and my relationship with Darrel. I should have known better than to volunteer with him because previously, and again now, I felt awful and had to get another practitioner to help me get balanced again from nasty energies projected from him. UGH! Lessons learned in always be careful who you work with. That experience through my energy off this whole past week. All good now, just pulling back in my interactions there now.
I have a wonderful dowsing group I am part of each week and they were really helpful in getting me on track again. Further, I was showing off our kitties and explained how Diamond got his name from Darrel. Two practitioners told me that Diamond has at least 20% of Darrel’s energy or more. No wonder Diamond is so different from the other ones! We “lost” Diamond once this past week too. I was in a panic because there are not that many places for them to really get lost in our house. I got a bright idea to check my bed though and yes, there was Diamond wedged in between my pillows, sleeping soundly. In Darrel’s spot lol.
Music is really triggering for me. Twice out and about driving with the radio on I had to flip channels cuz the tears started again. Offspring Gone Away, and Boys of Summer. So many songs make me think of Darrel in various ways.
I cleaned out all the lingerie out of my room this past week. Those memories just make me cry now.
I had a couple people reach out to me lately regarding Darrel. To answer a couple questions…. No his family did not contact me at all about Darrel’s accident, or being in the hospital 11 days before they pulled the plug. I found out via social media. Why? We had lots of family connections and his parents had been good friends when they moved here to PG years ago. They had stayed at my home a few days. They helped me moved in 2004. I helped them to move to GP and back again. I drove Darrel’s dads truck with Gramma Lucy because Darrel’s mom didn’t get along with Lucy. While in GP, she got super drunk one night and started raving about some “ditch pig with a pile of kids” that Darrel had dated. I knew she was referencing me, but she denied it. I was super hurt and could not wait to get back home. Once back in PG, I left quickly. I wrote her a letter which I don’t remember exactly what it said, but the gist was that I was extremely hurt from those words, it was hard for me to be around them when I still loved Darrel dearly and he was married, and it was hard seeing how they treated Lucy too. She was kind enough to call me when Lucy passed away in 2009, but that is it.
Now years later, Darrel and I have connected several times. I am not sure they knew about it. After finding out that Darrel passed, I wrote a long heartfelt letter to his parents and printed his poem along with it. I wanted someone of his family to know how much he meant to me, how much he was loved, and our conversations with my last message being Sept 18, which I found out is the day before he had the accident. They received that letter October 29. His mom sent me a sarcastic message and blocked me. A few days later one of his friends sent me a message too saying to leave his parents alone.
I figured maybe it was because they have lost their son. But since I know a LOT about their family patterns, the dysfunction, the addictions, and the drama… plus a few particular conversations I have had with Darrel about his family, his parents, and some friends, I am now thinking differently. I have found out that they have a social media memorial page for him, but obviously I am blocked. With other information that some people have reached out to me, I am realizing more and more just how much dysfunction there was around him. Some things make me angry, some just plain sad. As much as I loved him and miss him, he is so much better off now. He was just at a point in his life where he was realizing a lot of things this past year, he was so frustrated and trying to break free of it all. I remember telling him back in February that the stream engine I used to know has turned into a train wreck and he needed to get back on track. I don’t know what kind of life lessons he signed up for in this life, but I think his spirit just gave up. Every time I think of him lately or look at his pictures, I feel like I get sucker punched in the solar plexus like he didn’t want to be here anymore. I miss him dearly, and yet I keep feeling like he is so much happier now.
One more thing. I am trying my best to put my experiences to good use. I created another page “Resources for managing grief “ https://ladybugwellness.ca/managing-grief/

November 25 2021: For so long, every time I have looked into Darrel’s eyes, I have seen ME. Maybe that is part of the Twin Flame thing? I keep ruminating over all our conversations and all what came up in energy balancing for Darrel and between us. I am still trying to figure out what exactly our shared life lessons were because I did work a lot on that between us. So much of it fits what I know about Twin Flame and sacred soul connections. Energy doesn’t lie. There was so much that we learned between us that was sacred between us, without words, just energy.
What I have realized is that Darrel’s mother was to him what my father was to me. I was about age 37 when I finally stood up to my father and all that dysfunctional past. Darrel was age 37 when there were some changes but he made different choices that, in my opinion, only ruined him with the women he chose to have in his life then. At age 41, I went back to school and really made some changes for myself. Darrel was age 41 earlier this year when he came to so many realizations about the people in his life and he seemed to be making more positive changes, especially each time we talked.
I have learned a bit more about this Pluto/ Saturn return thing. It has to do with biological ages and life lessons. With that information, soooo much more of these events make sense now.
I will forever carry the burden though in wondering if I could have made any difference if I had spoken up more often before the last year. I wonder if I will find any more answers in the Akashic records.

November 27 2021: I mentioned I have been feeling stuck ever since that volunteer session. I have had a few other trusted practitioners work with me to get unstuck. Well, yesterday was a huge session with particular focus on whatever I picked up from this volunteer session. No wonder!! Ugh! I am definitely pulling back and blocking everything from that person now. So much jealousy, nasty energies, and blocking my freedom and grieving process. Then, a detrimental cord from Darrel’s sister and father “blaming” me. Also, “feeling abandoned” by Darrel. Well no sh*t. I don’t think anyone would quite understand how it feels to have had the conversations we had this past year and then for him to leave the physical life before me. Then to have absolutely no acknowledgement from anyone who knew him on my love for him. Not that it matters. I doubt any of them would understand our soul connection quite like Darrel and I did. More tears yesterday, another song played. This time Rod Stewart “Forever Young”. Darrel’s didn’t want to get old.
I have so many “if only” kind of thoughts. Darrel’s parents made him move away from our home town to get him away from me. (His mom inadvertently admitted that the night she got drunk and degraded everything about me). I was older, divorced, had kids and just not what they wanted for perfection for their son. Everything was about image and money. I never fit into that, no matter how much I loved him. I have cleared so much “Romeo and Juliette” complex energies between Darrel and I. Quite fitting actually. Ironically, because of all the dysfunction in his family, Darrel was easily influenced by immature and insecure women all through his life. We talked a lot about his poor choices and his regrets there. I am glad he did move and got a chance to marry Allison and have children. But once that fell apart, I wish we had had a chance then to rekindle and grow the relationship we had before. It is so painful for me to realize that Darrel didn’t feel worthy of me, or any good woman for that matter that would love him just as he is. Energy doesn’t lie. I told him many times what his energy showed and he confirmed what he couldn’t put into words. I also explained to him all the metaphysical reasons behind any medical issues he has ever had. That all made perfect sense to him. My poem for him was called “I wish”. I told him that he is the only one that could turn that into “I am”. We didn’t get that chance again. I have had a lot of support from my holistic and spiritual friends who understand soul connections. I am learning more and more how to connect with him on the spiritual level. At least I have that, just as our Spiritual Lessons are “Follow your soul mission” and “You are eternal”. In that sense, he stepped up in a big way.

December 25 2021: I have been meaning to come back and write here but some days I get too caught up in my thoughts and tears. I have had several people message me saying that many have cried along with me through my words. My words here have come from my heart. Darrel has always been “my heart”, I just didn’t realize it so much until I opened my own heart through energy healing.
Several times over the last few weeks, my thoughts have been prompted by certain discussions, how some of these ideas applied to my relationship with Darrel over the years. I remember thinking that of all the times Darrel spent the night with me, he never left in the middle of the night. I think there were things we both did with other partners over the years but not with each other. It’s like we were both searching elsewhere but not when we were with each other. Not sure if any of that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me.
The biggest thing that happened the last few weeks is that my dear friend Barb called December 1st. She has been my angel card reader for a few years. She had some issues going tho, on so I did a energy clearing session with her while chatting. Then we just chatted and caught up with each other, not a reading for me. But, in the midst of chatting she said that Darrel came through to interrupt our conversation. First, he was sending me flowers. Then he said thank you for always loving him so unconditionally, and for “setting me free”. He kept saying thank you for setting him free. He also said to not let them/ those addicts hurt my heart anymore. (Meaning his family, friends etc?).
Through the rest of chatting, Barb admitted that she knew back in Oct 2018 why Gramma Lucy sent rainbows then, but she didn’t have the heart to tell me. I understand it all now though.
I am becoming more accepting that Darrel is nearby and I am pretty sure he is trying to talk to me but I cannot hear it. They have a higher vibration on the other side so I need to learn how to adjust my hearing to hear. I need to develop that clair gift. I am hoping to develop my visual clairs too so I can see him and not just feel or sense his energy.
Someday …
Had a few teary moments…. one yesterday morning with Christmas music. Wondering how his kids are fairing over the holidays. His kids were so important to him.

January 3 2021: Some days I really miss Darrel and wonder so many what ifs, if he had pulled through would we have rekindled our relationship. Other days I feel so mad and angry that he “left” this earth plane, just when we were becoming closer, or so it seemed with more clarity between us. Then I feel angry that he was so “trapped” in this life. I can only hope that if there is a “next life” for us, that we will be able to have the relationship with each other that we have always wanted and deserved, and without the interference from those who trapped him in this life.
I was sent a video link the other day. I have not watched the entire thing, but about 20 minutes in, it explains what happens when our Twin Flame passes on. Totally makes sense for me with the sense of loss. And that for so many year I have felt him no matter where each of us were. No one else in my life ever lived up to what I felt with Darrel. I don’t have that heaviness and uncertainty with his energy now. I have done lots of energy work so I know he IS actually free with no unfinished business here now.
33 Channeled TwinFlame Questions by Wolfgang answered by Raj, Robin’s High Self
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVWiwzrKlhE

Jackie N. Rioux to Darrel Koehl FB post March 11 2022
Darrel Koehl Thank you for the messages the other day. I know you’re always around me. I’ll love you for eternity.
Hey God. Hey John. Mach 11 2022
death is the wildfire
that rips through
the forest of our life
it scorches the ground
it chars the rocks
it engulfs the trees
death is the fire
that comes to consume
everything
~ but it can’t
because after the fire is gone
there is always a miracle waiting
under the ashes of what our lives
used to look like
~ and the miracle is called grief
grief is the slow motion
recovery
that follows the insatiable
fire of death
to grieve the
loss of our beloved
means that death
didn’t burn everything
our adoration and memories
of our beloved remain fully
intact underneath the soot
after death rages through
you see,
my love,
death may knock
down every tree
in our forest
but since
grief is the aching itch
of recovery that
we can feel stirring
beneath the scalded ground
it means that death
doesn’t get the last word
~ love does
love is the sapling
that come after the
devastating fire
love is the grass pushing
up through the once barren
fire-licked woodland floor
love is relentless
and there is no element
in existence that can
ever destroy it
love is always working
it’s way back to us
no matter how hot
the wildfire blazed
grief is proof
that we didn’t
let death win
death wants us
to feel numb
~ to feel utter despair
but when we allow
ourselves to grieve
we keep the ashes
from hardening
grief is the fluttering
inside of us that
reminds the world
that although our
world has burned
down to the roots
that there is still
life within us
and if we can hold
on long enough
life will eventually start pouring
out of all of our smoldering wounds
ecologists say that sometimes
when forests burn down
they can explode into thousands
of wildflowers
they call it a “superbloom”
~ that’s what grief is
death may burn our world
but grief allows it to grow back
maybe it will never
look like it used to
~ and maybe that is totally okay
because maybe
just maybe
~ grief is meant to change us
grief is the superbloom
that comes after the inferno
****
This piece will be a part of my upcoming poetry collection on grief that I will be releasing in April.
(john roedel)

March 12 2022
Five and a half months… Where does the time go? As hard as it is, so many things are coming to light in understanding that our guides blocked me from knowing about Darrel’s accident and passing because it was his time to go and I would have interfered and made it worse for myself. Kind of protection for me so I could continue my time here until my turn to leave.
I remember a reading back in November 2018 when I was told that there may be a future with Darrel “but he may hold you back from your soul mission”.
I just had a reading the other day with Sage Lesage. Darrel came through with messages. He never understood just how much I had loved him. He was amazed at my accomplishments in life and I showed him a different side of life he had never known or felt he could live up to. He was a little shocked that his “time was up” right then and that I was being protected from knowing so I wouldn’t interfere with his passing or make my grief process that much worse for myself, or him. He said our time now “Wasn’t in the cards this time, but it will be different next time”. He said he is always around me and to live my life to the fullest here, until next time.
I have looked back in texts, letters I wrote to him, etc. I was always encouraging him. Challenging him to see a different side of things. I know that is why he always came to me, why I was so much of a treasure to him. I suppose this was all our soul lessons this time so next time will be so much better. I am realizing just how much Darrel was a part of my thoughts for so much of our lives. Maybe that is how he held me back in some ways, just because of where he was and how “trapped” he was. Now he is free though and we are always soul connected.
I have cleared off all my social media posts except one from his social media page. I made a separate condolences website page so I can memorialize all that as well. I still have not found any obituary or any information on a celebration of life. I cannot bring myself to go look on his social media page anymore. I don’t want to see posts from any of the drama queens that held him back in this life. I probably wouldn’t be welcome to any celebration of life anyway. Why bother. My connection with Darrel has always been more spiritual. He is so much better than any of his physical family he had in this life. My celebration of Darrel and my love for him are here in these pages, and forever in my heart and soul.

July 20 2022
Ironically today is the anniversary date of my first marriage. Today is the date I have finally come back to this page to write about Darrel as he has been on my mind for quite a while the last few months. His birthday was June 23rd. Memories have been weighing heavily on me all along. I keep thinking of our last kiss and have come to realize that maybe I did know on a soul level that would be the last kiss and the last time I saw him in person. It was a gentle sweet lingering kiss. We had parted and I called him back to say a last sentiment to take care of himself.

I have not yet got up the readiness to go through our past texts, messages, and letters. It all just brings the memories of our soul connection crashing into tears again.

My bro in law Jeal came for a visit a few weeks ago. He asked me how I coped through Darrel’s birthday. Not very well actually. Social media reminded me all day. I have not been able to open up Darrel’s page and look at anyone else’s sentiments. I finally did write something acknowledging this social media obligation to send sentiments even though he is not there. I prefer to write here anyway to share my heart thoughts with anyone who cares to read it, but more for my own grief therapy.
Jeal said it was a hard day for him as well. Darrel was always his “lil bro”. I reminisced about my birthday wishes to Darrel last year and how Darrel had been choked up in tears hearing my words to him.

In other news, our kitty cat Diamond who is Darrel’s energy, went missing July 3rd. I am praying for his return. I have worked with some other practitioners energetically. We’re sure Diamond is alive and well, just out of sight at the moment.

I finished that Akashic course after much frustration. I am not sure what the karmic lessons were with that course but I cancelled everything and cut associations.
I have started on the other original course and it is so much better and more in depth effective learning. I am looking forward to completing that course and I am certain it will be much better than the other experience. Maybe I will finally learn more about my soul connection and Twin Flame relationship with Darrel.

January 3 2023
It’s been a while. I have been meaning to come back to write again. So much has happened since I last wrote here. Since July 2022 there have been about 25 people our family knows who have passed away under various circumstances. Extended family, friends, and friends of friends. Just one after the other like landmine of grief exposure.
Diamond went missing, then Max, Meeko, and Linda as well. Still praying they will find their way home. I have written about this in other pages within this website.
I went on two brief trips to Terrace. One in August and one in November. It wasn’t quite as hard as I expected being there and being exposed to memories and locations. I did find out after the fact that apparently there was a Celebration of Life held at Blake’s home August 15 2022 in Grande Prairie. I think that was the same weekend I was in Terrace. I suppose that would have been some closure for his loved ones and earth family. I feel like I have never had any closure. I still have not attempted to go through texts, letters, etc. and I cannot go look at his FB page at all. Maybe that one will disappear because it was his old account. The other one was turned into a memorial page and run by his mother so obviously I have no access there.
As for me, I keep clearing my energy. Trying to accept the fact that this was his soul time to exit.
I do my sleep time intentions and I am pretty sure we have had visits in my dreams.
I worked with a Discover Healing practitioner for a few weeks on clearing my heart wall. Maybe this will open me up for new possibilities and maybe new love in my life since I am still here and Darrel is not.