Humor with Pets
Pastor Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his Church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica – where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fell
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed
me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
“Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my
wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he
urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um…. um…. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He
blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just… just… excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just… that… I’m
picturing you pulling on its… its… teeny little…" she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
1 – Lizards – $140…
2 – Cage – $50…
3 – Trip to the Vet – $30…
4 – Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie…..
Priceless
Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one
recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then,
I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was
no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb , call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage
disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button
is," I
protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it
yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only
take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that
my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with
the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out
cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your
tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this.. The third piggy says –
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story……
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside
A stream.The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh..
If I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water
And I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,'Gosh..if that fly goes
Down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh…if that fly
Goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly….
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of
The lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….'Gosh,' he
Thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches… And that
Fish leaps for it…That bear will expose himself and grab
For the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river
Bank, But I can tell you there's more…
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches… And that fish
Jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his
Cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
As was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular
River around lunch time) 'Gosh…if that fly goes down
Three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear
Grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, Then I
Can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down
For the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story….
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy's gonna
Be in serious danger.
Didn't see that one coming, did you?