Laughter is the best medicine, and we have a dark and twisted sense of humor around here… Enjoy!
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone.
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Red head: A blonde with attitude.
Blonde: A red head with the fire knocked out of her.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone.
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it!
If you think being small is an excuse for not being effective, then you haven’t been in bed with a mosquito.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says: W T F
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head couldn’t hold any more, so it started filling up the rest of me.
Adolescence: The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
Multi-tasking is the art of screwing up several things at once.
Never mess an apology with an excuse.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
It’s good to cry… if you’re a sissy, but it’s much better to grab a heavy blunt instrument and hit the idiot over the head who ruined your day.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
A smile is a curve that sets a lot of things straight.
Avoid shortcuts. They always take too much time in the long run.
Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I’ll show you somebody who has never achieved much.
Definition of boy: Noise with dirt on it.
In this world of ordinary people, thank heavens there’s me!
Keep smiling! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.
Keep smiling! It gives your face something to do.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away–and barefoot.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
Hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt.
Changing your mind won’t keep it clean.
Mistakes will happen, but why do you give them so much help?
So what if I ain’t good looking—I’m faithful!!
You don’t have to crazy to work here, but it helps!
The hurrider I go, the behinder I get.
Do it tomorrow—you made enough mistakes today.
What can you possibly expect from a day that begins with going to work.
Be reasonable—do it my way!
I’ve got plenty of ambition—I just hate to waste it on work.
If found by person, return by mail; if found by male, return by person.
Hash isn’t made, it accumulates.
I try to take one day at a time — but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Unlimited
If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson
In politics, if want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen
If you’re too open minded your brains will fall out.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Teamwork… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.Think of your three best friends. If they’re fine, its YOU!
Birds of a feather flock together . . .and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth … AMEN!
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d
better have a good hand.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and
shut-up.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to
tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove
all doubt.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one
enjoys it?
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you
can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said
“Implants?”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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Amazingly Easy Home Remedies
If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using
the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
A Friend Is Like a Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close to Your Heart
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GOOD ADVICE:
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back inyour pocket.
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
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After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut
“Never squat while wearing your spurs” ~ Will Rogers
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Maxine on “Driver Safety” “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to
keep my hands free for making gestures.”
Maxine on “Housework” “I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an
incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.”
Maxine on “Lawn Care” “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I
recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
Maxine on “The Perfect Man” “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I
want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,
like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
Maxine on “Technology Revolution” “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody
in the butt twice.”
Maxine on “Aging” “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much
better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.”
An Old Farmer’s Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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STRESS MANAGEMENT 101
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass
of water and asked, “how heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out
ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t
matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.”
“If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour,
I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to
call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold
it, the heavier it becomes.”
He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry
our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. As with the glass of
water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”
“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t
carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying
now, let them down for a moment if you can.” “Relax; pick them up later
after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never buy a car you can’t push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Karma: No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who have hurt you will eventually screw up themselves, and if you’re lucky, God will let you watch 🙂
What is a calorie? Calories are the little monsters that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter. MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THEM!
Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey! 😀
DRAMA: Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention
Stupid people aren’t annoying. They are free entertainment.
Theatre Northwest play “Home Ice”, a mix of marriage, renovations and hockey…. freaking hilarious!! December 2, 2011
Fave lines: “The Canadian male: an example of all things possible, and not at all likely”. and “All men are jerks, but women are generally psychotic, so it balances out”. LMAO!!!
How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash” and “rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
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Did I? or Didn’t I?
Just a line to say I’m living,
that I’m not among the dead;
though I’m getting more forgetful
and more mixed up in the head;
for sometimes I can’t remember
when I stand at the bottom of the stairs
if I must go up for something, or I’ve
just come down from there!
And before the fridge, so often,
my poor minds so filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
or am about to take some out?
And then there’s the time, when it gets dark out,
with my night cap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring,
or just getting out of bed.
So, if its my turn to write to you
there’s no need to get sore;
I may think I have written
and don’t want to be a bore.
So remember, I do love you all,
and wish that you were here;
But, now, it’s nearly mail time
so I must say “Goodbye my dears”
Here I stand beside the mail box,
with a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I have opened it instead!
I’m getting used to my bifocal glasses,
and my hearing aid fits just fine,
I do enjoy my dentures.
BUT I SURE DO MISS MY MIND!!
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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer ….
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend …. except one. Which animal does not attend.
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4.There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
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f you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it’s yours and will always be yours.
If it doesn’t return, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your phone,
Takes your money,
And never appears to know that you set it free;
You either married it, or gave birth to it!
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Postie Joke:
Boy: Have you got a postal code tattooed in your belly button?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Well, how do you expect to get any mail (male) in your box?
**********************
The Scotsman
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he’d drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle-aye-oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
“See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”
Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
“I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them
to view, beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment then one said, “We must be gone.
Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along.”
As a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.
Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice, he said to what’s before his eyes “Lad, I don’t
know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!”
Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
“Lad, I don’t know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!
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BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest. Needless to say, she won. Here’s how it went:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So, what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000.00 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit, which floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit. Now since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as! fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was a regular itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops (totaling 35 minutes) before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t crap for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut. So, the next time you think you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
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EVOLUTION
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male’s reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before
taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the
hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only does the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with a nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as “Republicans.” Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as “Democrats.” A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as……… “Mr. President.”
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DESPERATION
I know I haven’t known you for a very long time, and I shouldn’t be asking
you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I haven’t had it for a very
long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice
and soft. If you would do this for me no one will ever have to know. I am
sure you can satisfy my needs, and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am
very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now I have a lot of
nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the
juice until it is very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I’m not going
to beat around the bush anymore. Do you have a piece of gum???
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Physics Humor:
The following is an ‘actual’ question given on a Physics midterm exam.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being… which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
The student received an A+.
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COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
Against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But they do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special Observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”
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Only a Canadian could think of this…. from the province where drunk
driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine
police patrol parked outside a Prince George, B.C. bar. After last call the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
vehicles, the man managed to find his car that he fell into! He was there
for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left. At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement
the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station.. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it, “said the truly proud Canadian, “Tonight I’m the designated
decoy.”
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Norwegian Math
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes
a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” the
Norwegian says, “Dat is easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s
this?” the boss asks. “Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine,” says the Norwegian. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The
Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.” The boss
scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to
actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, “All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian
stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a
little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must benuts if you think that represents
a hundred!” (You’re going to love this one!!!). The Norwegian leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog
came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when do I start?”
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Stun gun ….. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a “Pocket Taser”
for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it
again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Ralph
*********************************
Gotta love the post office.
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forced for three years”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment”.
He then asks, “Are you disabled in any way”?
The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
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Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate – their computer!
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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.
Frank went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Frank’s
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Frank
noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Frank was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I
don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, Frank was on his way to a nearby town and, as he
was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let
him pass. Frank yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me
get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted…
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
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MANURE:
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T ” , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
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(From my adopt-a-daughter Tasoula)
You Know You’re Greek When…
1) You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still
cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives
a ’76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a
$45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all
blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to
threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by
wearing your “Just Do Me” tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the
title of “professor” among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9″, it is presumed his mother
had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Embros”(hello) when
answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on
New Year’s Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, “what church
do you go to”?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under
the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, “katse
kala”(behave) in public.
23) You have been hit with a “pandofla”(slipper) or a “koutala”(wooden
spoon) or a “lourithi”(belt).
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music(greek
folk dances).
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or
in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria’s, 9 Dimitri’s, 5 Niko’s, 6 George’s and 4
Yanni’s in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, “Sto leo yia to kalo sou”(i’m telling
yout his for your own good).
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show
because they couldn’t remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they’re
from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you’re 30
yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend’s parents because your parents gave
them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO(greek alcohol) in your house right now.
35) You know what a “komboloi”(beeded bracelet held in the hand that older
men tend to fiddle around with) is.
36) You know how to work a “komboloi”.
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on
someone’s lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the “mavro pontiki”(black mouse)
when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can’t understand why McDonald’s rejected your idea for the “McFeta”
Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your
backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat
pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta(card) is determined on the amount of food, the
type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the
marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare(move), Wassemassini(washing machine), bassi(bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all
they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi(watermelon).
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the
biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have
it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up
smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You’ve been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the
Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
*************************************************************
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle…..
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How to deal with those annoying ‘Telemarketers’
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, “Is this Karl Brummer”. Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, “get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears”, I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time….
********************
It’s Soooo Hot!
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
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ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … And most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
**************************
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Humor with Pets
Pastor Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his Church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went “boing!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?” She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
******************
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go ?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow
Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Then they kick him in the ice hole.
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Cat Lover or not, this is hysterical!
We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was
no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.” “You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”
“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.” So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of “been-there, done-that”
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.
Somehow, I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury, I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. “What’s the matter?” They all asked, “Cat got your tongue?”
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a cheesecake,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy,”
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?”
You’re gonna LOVE me for this… The third piggy says –
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story……
In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, ‘Gosh..
If I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water And I will be refreshed.’
There was a fish in the water thinking, ‘Gosh…if that fly goes Down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking, ‘Gosh…if that fly Goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly….
And I will grab the fish!!’
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of The lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….’Gosh,’ he
Thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches… And that Fish leaps for it…That bear will expose himself and grab
For the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river Bank, But I can tell you there’s more…
A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, ‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches… And that fish
Jumps for that fly… And that bear grabs for that fish. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his Cheese sandwich.’
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, As was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular River around lunch time) ‘Gosh…if that fly goes down Three inches… And that fish jumps for that fly and that bear Grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I Can have mouse for lunch.’
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish…
The hunter shoots the bear…
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse…
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral of The Story….
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
Geriatric Funnies
Since more and more seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Whe…elchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WHEN I’M AN OLD LADY
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness … Just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.
I’ll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues,
And I’ll bounce on the furniture. Wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.
When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry… I’ll run … If I’m able!
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.
I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day!
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
Blessings All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it — Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter…..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to
go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Retirement:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.
Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
‘Cos now I’m much older and gravity’s winning.
It’s Nature’s revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
‘Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When they’re both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it’s not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they’re less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When I was young, I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When I was younger, I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I’d looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they’re less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.
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HOW IS NORMA? (funny and sad…)
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous > voice> said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302″. The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything!”
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Gotta love the honesty of grandmas:
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
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ABOUT GROWING OLDER…
First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get; the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old