EVE’S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going?’ inquired God.
‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.
‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
‘Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?’
‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’
God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless Tit?’
Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Karma: No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who have hurt you will eventually screw up themselves, and if you’re lucky, God will let you watch 🙂

What is a calorie? Calories are the little monsters that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter. MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THEM!

Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey! 😀

DRAMA: Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention

Stupid people aren’t annoying. They are free entertainment.

Theatre Northwest play “Home Ice”, a mix of marriage, renovations and hockey…. freaking hilarious!! December 2, 2011
Fave lines: “The Canadian male: an example of all things possible, and not at all likely”. and “All men are jerks, but women are generally psychotic, so it balances out”. LMAO!!!

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash” and “rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog

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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer …..
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend …. except one. Which animal does not attend.
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory … Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4.There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

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f you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it’s yours and will always be yours.
If it doesn’t return, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your phone,
Takes your money,
And never appears to know that you set it free;

You either married it, or gave birth to it!

**********************************
Postie Joke:
Boy: Have you got a postal code tattooed in your belly button?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Well, how do you expect to get any mail (male) in your box?

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When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas .
And is so funny. What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK.

NOW, You ‘white’ folks…..
When you’re born, you’re PINK,
When you grow-up, you’re WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
Wh en you’re cold, you turn BLUE,
When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW,
When you get sick, you’re GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y’all callin’
COLORED folks?

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The Scotsman
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he’d drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddle-aye-oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
“See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”

Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
“I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them
to view, beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment then one said, “We must be gone.
Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along.”
As a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.

Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call And stumbled towards a tree
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice, he said to what’s before his eyes “Lad, I don’t
know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!”

Ring-ding diddle diddle aye-dee-oh
Ring di-diddlee-aye-oh
“Lad, I don’t know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!

***********************************
BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest. Needless to say, she won. Here’s how it went:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, soI thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000.00 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times withno complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit, which floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit. Now since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as! fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was a regular itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops (totaling 35 minutes) before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t crap for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut.So, the next time you think you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
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EVOLUTION
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male’s reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before
taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the
hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only does the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with a nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as “Republicans.” Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as “Democrats.” A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as……… “Mr. President.”

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DESPERATION
I know I haven’t known you for a very long time, and I shouldn’t be asking
you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I haven’t had it for a very
long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice
and soft. If you would do this for me no one will ever have to know. I am
sure you can satisfy my needs, and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am
very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now I have a lot of
nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the
juice until it is very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I’m not going
to beat around the bush anymore. Do you have a piece of gum???

***************************

Physics Humor:
The following is an ‘actual’ question given on a Physics midterm exam.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being… which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
The Student received an A+.

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COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
Against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But they do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special Observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

****************************************

Only a Canadian could think of this…. from the province where drunk
driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine
police patrol parked outside a Prince George, B.C. bar. After last call the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
vehicles, the man managed to find his car that he fell into! He was there
for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement
the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station.. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it, “said the truly proud Canadian, “Tonight I’m the designated
decoy.”

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Norwegian Math
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes
a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” the
Norwegian says, “Dat is easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s
this?” the boss asks. “Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine,” says the Norwegian. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The
Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.” The boss
scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to
actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, “All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian
stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a
little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must benuts if you think that represents
a hundred!” (You’re going to love this one!!!)The Norwegian leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog
came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when do I start?”

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Stun gun ….. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a “Pocket Taser”
for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently(trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it
again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Ralph
*********************************
Gotta love the post office. .
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forced for three years”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment”.
He then asks, “Are you disabled in any way”?
The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

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HAVING A BAD DAY?

These are all true stories, apparently!

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

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Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate – their computer!

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.
Frank went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Frank’s
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Frank
noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Frank was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I
don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, Frank was on his way to a nearby town and, as he
was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let
him pass. Frank yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me
get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted…

“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

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MANURE:
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T ” , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.

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(From my adopt-a-daughter Tasoula)
You Know You’re Greek When…

1) You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still
cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives
a ’76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a
$45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all
blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to
threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by
wearing your “Just Do Me” tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the
title of “professor” among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9″, it is presumed his mother
had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Embros”(hello) when
answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on
New Year’s Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, “what church
do you go to”?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under
the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, “katse
kala”(behave) in public.
23) You have been hit with a “pandofla”(slipper) or a “koutala”(wooden
spoon) or a “lourithi”(belt).
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music(greek
folk dances).
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or
in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria’s, 9 Dimitri’s, 5 Niko’s, 6 George’s and 4
Yanni’s in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, “Sto leo yia to kalo sou”(i’m telling
yout his for your own good).
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show
because they couldn’t remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they’re
from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you’re 30
yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend’s parents because your parents gave
them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO(greek alcohol) in your house right now.
35) You know what a “komboloi”(beeded bracelet held in the hand that older
men tend to fiddle around with) is.
36) You know how to work a “komboloi”.
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on
someone’s lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the “mavro pontiki”(black mouse)
when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can’t understand why McDonald’s rejected your idea for the “McFeta”
Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your
backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat
pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta(card) is determined on the amount of food, the
type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the
marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare(move), Wassemassini(washing machine), bassi(bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all
they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi(watermelon).
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the
biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have
it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up
smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You’ve been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the
Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle…..

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How to deal with those annoying ‘Telemarketers’
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, “Is this Karl Brummer”. Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, “get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears”, I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time….

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It’s Soooo Hot!
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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ZEN TEACHINGS1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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For my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”
“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.
“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.”
“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.
“Aplomb,” My Lord.
“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”
“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused.”
“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”
“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”
“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”
“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”
“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and
bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”
“That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his
venison even though it was extremely tender.”
“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”
“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,
Kate inquired of Wills, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
THAT, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
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Warning: May be offensive to some:
Jingle Farts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg9eZxpV3VA