I don’t ride but I have many loved ones who do.
Having lost my son in law Larry, and knowing several other loved ones who have been injured, or lost their lives, I am keenly aware of bikers more than ever now.
These pointers can also apply to bicycle riders. My son rides a bike regularly and has had some encounters with distracted drivers.

This post was shared on social media, and I am sharing here for all to read. 

New Mexico Motorcyclist Rights Organization
May 23 2022

HOW TO UNDERSTAND BIKERS

When you see us moving past you quickly:
Don’t take offense or think we’re trying to “show off”. Ninety five percent of the time, we’re trying to get out of your blind spot or taking ourselves out of a potential dangerous situation that has evolved around us. Distancing ourselves from you does not mean we want to race, but that we’re giving ourselves the edge we need at the moment.

When you hear our horn:
Don’t take offense or think we’re trying to aggravate you. All we’re doing is letting you know where we are in relation to you on the road, and we’re more than likely aware of your inattentiveness to us while you’re talking on a cell phone, eating, reading or involved in some other distracting aspect to your driving. It’s important to us, and you, that you know we’re there.

When you hear our loud pipes:
Don’t become angry and hostile toward us.
Yes, some are quite loud, but for some, there’s a purpose behind being loud. It’s about letting you know we’re close by and we’re constantly hoping that our investment in this accessory will help save our lives.
Our pipes are really not about our ego…it’s a pride and personalization to our form of transportation.

When you see us in our clothes:
Don’t become fearful of us or think us weird. Our leather jackets, chaps, gloves and boots are the barriers between loosing massive amounts of flesh should something
cause us to go down…nothing more, nothing less. Safety gear is paramount to our riding.
We wear patches on our jackets, and pins on our vests. These are symbols of pride and honor within our group(s), individuals giving back to those who gave. These things
bind us together as a brotherhood and sisterhood among bikers. Not that we’re better than anyone else, but that we have the same kind of nobility and pride in our accomplishments as you may have in the
various aspects of your life. I guess one could say; our patches and pins are the decals and the bumper stickers of our involvement with society and the general public, of which we are very pleased to be a part of in our own little way.

When you see us in a restaurant:
You don’t have to shield your child or feel intimidated. We have family, wives, husbands, children and loved ones too, just like you. We smile; we laugh and enjoy the moments we have. We are approachable, and would befriend you, if given the opportunity.

When you see us in a parking lot:
Don’t convince yourself that we’re there to “get you”. More than likely, we just finished a long ride and are taking a break. Or, we may be meeting up with other riders for a charity run for young children, or another very worthy cause. We may just be admiring one another’s bikes, sharing our pride with other brothers and sisters, just like you do with your personal vehicle.
It’s what we do…it’s a part of our lives, and we’d be more than welcome to share with you what riding a bike is all about…if you’d only ask.

When you see aggressive riding bikers:
Don’t put us all in the same stereotypical category as those whose behavior and actions would cause you to react in disgust and intolerance. Many of us do not agree with this style of riding either, and we know
and understand that human nature tends to blend us all together as the “same group”.
Most of us don’t want that title…and don’t deserve it.

When you see a group of bikers on the roadways:
Give us the courtesy of sharing the road with you. Please don’t “move in” between several bikers in formation. This gets us very excited and nervous, especially when it’s done with
no due regard for our safety. Provide us with your awareness of the fact that we are much more vulnerable than you. We don’t want to challenge you, for all of us are wise enough to know…we’d lose that battle.

When you are turning left or entering a roadway/highway:
Look, then look again…and then one more time. For we can be easily hidden, and appear to be invisible by such things as a telephone pole, another vehicle, bright lights or the glare of the sun…or possibly, the beads hanging from your rearview mirror, among numerous other items that are displayed there. If you see us flashing our lights at you or blowing our horn, we’re only trying to ensure that you will see us before tragedy changes both our lives.

When you are behind us:
Please give us the room we need and don’t tailgate us. If you hit us, we’re going down… HARD! We don’t want to play games with you, we just want to enjoy the ride and the fresh air, and experience that which many of you have never lived for. If we accelerate away from you, don’t interpret this action as though we want to drag race you. We’re only trying to take ourselves out of a bad situation if you insist on being too close.

When, and if, you experience road rage:
Don’t take it out on us just because we’re smaller than you and more vulnerable.
Think about what you’re doing and the end result that may become a reality. The consequences of your actions and choices could be very detrimental to our well-being,
our families, our children and our loved ones.
Yes, there are those that can tend to piss you off, however, rage towards them will not solve the issues, but accentuate them. Nine out of ten bikers will do everything they can to take themselves out of that situation without causing you or them harm.

When you have an opportunity to talk to us:
You’ll discover, outside any influenced or stereotypical mindset you may have, that we are just as human as you are, just with different interests and toys. Many of us would give you the shirt off our back if it would tend to brighten your day or console you in some way. We’re really no different…and we drive cars, trucks and vans too. So, meet us and greet us…I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised that you’ll be met with open arms.

Thank You for attempting to understand.
Author unknown
Post by ChaCha
Secretary NMMRO

“The memories and paw print of a beloved cat remains in our heart and soul forever”.

Of all our furbabies over the years, we have had some heart wrenching losses but none quite like Zoomer who passed at 19 years of age. He had been sick a few times in the previous months, so we knew his time was coming, but nothing soothes the pain of loss of someone so dear to our family.

Jared made a video tribute for Zoomer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa7BXOJ_bKM
Helen Haselmeyer: Beautiful tribute. He was a much loved cat. Rest in peace old friend!

Our precious beautiful boy we watched you come into this world, take your first breath and today we had to say our goodbyes. I’m glad we all got to be with you for your last breath and know you weren’t alone. You are so loved Zoomer. You were more than just a cat you were the best fur baby in the whole world! Rip baby boy. Our “Zaboomafu”. Always loved.
Zoomer Oct 27,2001 – Mar 21, 2021❤

Melissa Rioux
March 21 2021 8:10 pm
Fur-ever my baby. ❤
I watched you being born. You were with me for more than half of my life. I always dreaded the day I’d have to say goodbye. But at least I got to hold you and love you to the last breath. I love you forever my Zaboomafoo.
RIP Zoomer Oct 27, 2001 – March 21, 2021

Jackie N. Rioux
I am in a GRIT program with daily context writings. This was mine for March 21, 2021:
METRICS: Sunday-Stretch-a-Palooza
CONTEXT: “I’m Already Qualified…”
Thank God it is only Stretch day today and I did that earlier today because this afternoon we had to say goodbye to our 19.5 year old Zoomer cat.
We watched Zoomer being born, and thankfully we were all able to surround him with love and hugs as he passed, and without having to make the choice to euthanize him. We knew this day would come, but not like this. And not now. We’re never prepared for death, and I do not deal well with it, at all. However, I have had to learn to deal with it in losing my son in law 2 years ago, and my dear friend Andy back in 2014. Through all my spiritual stuff and energy balancing, I now reluctantly have the skills to assist souls to pass peacefully.
Ironically, I was on a class seminar today learning more about spiritual medical assistance and about death and transition when I got a call that someone had run over our 19 year old cat’s back leg.
My daughter had just left and thought Zoomer headed to the back yard, his little oasis. When I ran outside, he was hiding under my van but stumbled out when I called him. He was so frail already.
Thank God we were able to get a vet emergency call to look at him. He was just too frail to survive this. Thank God that lady witnessed and called me. Thank God my dear friend Sonya had just taken an animal communicator course yesterday and was able to talk to Zoomer for us to let him know the angels were with us all.
Thank God I was able to do my own spiritual assistance as well in helping his soul pass peacefully. Thank God my son just happens to be home from camp. Thank God my oldest daughter was able to come and we were all able to spend time with him alone in the vet office. They were kind enough to allow us that time with him.
We knew this day would come sooner than later with his age. He has had a good life and was so loved. I don’t like dealing with death, and yet I am thankful that I have the honor of the gift of assisting souls pass peacefully.
I am already qualified, not necessarily in areas that I want to be, but I am glad I can do what I do.
Rest in Peace our Sweet Zoomer “Zaboomafu”. October 27 2001 – March 21 2021.

Melissa Rioux is with Jessi Lynn Bell.
March 26 2021
Today was a hard day. Got Zoomer’s ashes and paw prints back. Spent some hours curled up with the box crying my eyes out again.
Decided I needed some comfort food so went to Save On to get candy and then chatted with my bestie… she gets it.
Jessi Lynn Bell thanks for not judging me and for cheering me up ❤

Condolence messages. Thank you so much from all of us!

Stacie Johnson: So sorry Melissa. Hugs
Debbie Kinton: Sending you big hugs, Melissa❤ Such a huge loss!
Michelle Finlayson: Oh Melissa, I am so sorry to hear this
Rebecca Susan: So very sorry to hear. Sending hugs your way.
Sharon Yon: Sorry for the loss of your fur baby. Hugs!
Charlotte Wiebe: Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. Sending you love ❤
Katherine Sinclair Newton: Oh my heart aches for you. So sorry he didn’t make it. I just lost my boy last month… The heart break is so hard. Hugs
Angie Sterling: I’m so sorry Melissa. ♥
Dianna Ezelyk: So sorry for your loss Melissa ❤
Chelsi Orser: I’m sending you a big hug and love ❤ I’m so sorry hun
Nicole Zutz-Gunderson: Oh I am soo sorry!! Sending love your way! ❤❤❤❤
Kelly Stone: Sending a virtual squeeze… ❤ cannot imagine how tough today was… love you
Cynthia Andal: There are no words. I’m so sorry for this heartbreak❤
Susana Lawton: I am so sorry for your loss
Jennifer Denise Mcmath: I’m so sorry ❤
Andressa Thompson: I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs and condolences ❤
Susanne Carmen: So sorry Melissa Rioux- this is heartbreaking…a family member ❤
Amanda Jean: heart hugs
Jessie Burroughs: rest easy Zoomer xo
Lisa Mckay: I am so sorry Melissa. ❤
Brandy Bachmann Wagner: Sorry for your loss Melissa
Ilse Wolff: Das tut mir sehr leid / I’m very sorry about that
Michael Kenneth Pockett: Aww Melissa. Losing pet family is so tough. So sorry for your loss…
Laura Thabeth: I’m so sorry Melissa, thinking of you ❤❤❤
Jocelyne Bourgoin: So sorry for your loss xx
Rob Richards: From one animal lover to such an obvious fan, love and support.
I think it’s wonderful you were there for the passing, a powerful moment I know.
Jackie N. Rioux: Rob Richards awful yes, but divinely orchestrated in how we were all there. Just unfolded in such a way that i am thankful we were able to communicate how loved he was, right til last breath.
Nick Foreman: Ouch. I’m sorry for you loss. Zoomie was a good cat
Samantha Chelsea Peppard: Awe, love and light, so hard to say goodbye. ❤
Deanne Clark: So sorry for your loss Melissa
Jennifer Arnett Pomeroy: Oh hon, so sorry for your loss❤ such big hugs for you
Helen Burnett Haselmeyer: So sorry for your loss. He was a wonderful cat. I have a photo of his sister Puddycat in my living room. She only lived a few years but then took ill and died in Tammy’s arms. Cats become like children. Hugs
Carmen Dennis: Awe I’m so sorry Melissa, hugs❤❤
Michael Allan Volts: Sorry for your loss Melissa:(
Terri Danon: Hugs that’s awful! Sorry for your loss ❤
Judy Mitchell: Hugs
Brent Chamberlain: Sorry for your loss Kiddo❤
Nina De la Luna: I feel you hon…The love between a girl and her cat is eternal, profound and divine ❤
Janice Ind Karpes: I’m so sorry for your loss Melissa.
Andy Loerch: Awwww melissa I’m so sorry to hear ❤
Jennifer Seymour: I’m so sorry for your loss ❤
Vickie Stephenson: hugs
Lyndsy McFadden: I am so sorry for your loss.

Angela Hanna: Oh no, I’m so sorry for your loss Jackie. Our boy Caramel was born in our home too. We saw him born and held him when he passed. I know how hard that is. Sending you prayers to soothe your hearts
Diane Collins: Oh I am so very sorry for your family’s loss. ❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Ironically I was on Amy Jo Ellis FCOA class Re medical assistance and dealing with death when it all happened. I did all my energy stuff so he passed with all of us around along with the angels.
Janet Riganti: I am sorry for your loss…..I hope you found comfort with the words in Amy Jo’s class today.
Jackie N. Rioux: Janet Riganti I hate dealing with death, but unfortunately we’re “gifted” with that honor of being able to help them pass peacefully.
Janet Riganti: Yes indeed….
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: Jackie N. Rioux , he was sure an old cat. Loss is never easy… hugs!
Deanna Dahl: I am so sorry for your loss Jackie, it is so hard when we lose them. Take care!
ConStance Moore: Awe… Jackie N. Rioux !! I’m so sorry…
Kate Æ Strong: I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤
Peter Walsh: so sorry hon’
Lee Mackenzie: ❤
Dannica Turner: My condolences hun
Lisa C. Anderson: May your happy memories heal your hearts.
Ad Dav: ❤❤❤
Dianne Benner: Awww, such a little sweetheart. My heart goes out to you and your family. Bless his soul. Keeping all of you in my prayers
Wade Anundsen: Sorry
Ross Whiteside: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Dianne Rico: I am so so sorry. I know how very hard that is as I went through the exact same thing with my sweet Bagheera. Although my heart still misses her dearly and hurts to feel her loss even all these years later, I know it was a beautiful gift to be there when she came into the world and be there to hold her as she left 17 years later. Sending you hugs and healing tonight. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Jackie N. Rioux: Dianne Rico he’s been part of our lives for more than half of my kids’ lives. A fixture around here.
Dianne Rico: Jackie N. Rioux, I know. His loss will be felt deeply. To have a pure soul share your life for so long and always be there through laughter, tears, growth and change … it’s been over 5 years since I lost Bagheera and its just as raw as the day she left. I know how much you loved him and how much you will all miss him.
Jackie N. Rioux: Dianne Rico Bagheera had a good life with you. Pure souls.
Dianne Rico: Jackie N. Rioux and Zaboomafu had a beautiful life with you ❤. ((Hugs))
Amy Mauer: Oh Jackie and Melissa, I’m so sorry for your loss… ❤
Sharon Swanson: Aweee no !! So sorry for your fur baby loss Jackie ..sending Big Hugs
Kirsta Scranton: So sorry for the loss of your fur baby.
Sherry Mannino: So sorry Jackie
Sonya McMillan Marcoux: I’m so sorry Jackie. He was so beautiful in life and so loved. He will be missed by all who knew and loved him. Sending love and prayers for you all for strength and healing. ❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Sonya McMillan Marcoux i can’t even begin to thank you for the divine timing that you were able to talk to him. A million thank yous
Sonya McMillan Marcoux: Jackie N. Rioux I totally agree Jackie… I am so grateful for the Divine timing as well. Probably by mere minutes…. a true blessing. He knew he was loved. And so are you. ❤
Margo Kiland: Sending you hugs, always sad to lose a fur baby
Denise Homer-Goodwin: Oh wow… so sorry Jackie! Prayers and hugs coming ❤
Vicki Reeve: So sorry to hear of the loss of your fur baby.
Amy Richards: What a beautiful cat! You were so lucky to have him! And he was lucky to have you! Sooo sorry for your loss… I know you will miss him… ♥♥♥
Chris Chimbers: I’m sorry for your loss, Jackie ❤
Brenda Lainof: Jackie, our fur babies are family, sorry for your loss
Lena Freeman: I am so sorry for your loss. Zoomer will live in your heart forever.
Lisa Glennie: Wow he lived a long time. So glad you had him that long. So sorry for your loss.
Suzanne Doiron: Sending you love for the loss of your furry friend.
Nataša Martinec: Sending you hugs and angels to comfort you Jackie N. Rioux !
Paula Hamer: So sorry for your loss Jackie. Zoomer had a great life with you. Hugs ❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Paula Hamer condolences to you as well. Zeus had a good life with you. It’s not easy losing our furbabies.
Gloria M Padilla: Sorry, for your loss
Lucia Francessca Martinig: Sorry to hear Jackie
Valerie Bailly Munk: Aw Zoomer…. rest in peace
Tanya Lee: Melissa I’m sorry for the loss of your baby
Tanya Lee: And your granfur baby momma
Marsha Greene: Ah so sorry, I thought about Amy Jo’s new class when I read your intro. How apropos.
Maxine Lewis: Ohh!! Sad!❤❤❤
Nancy Therio: Big hugs to you Jackie
Russ-Ella Crossley: So precious. Hugs
Sandra Brienen-Schneider: heart hugs
Amie Pagliaro: Sorry to hear about your loss. May they be with God and in peace.
Matthew Gagnon: Sorry for your loss my friend. I can see he was very loved and as long as you keep him in your memories he is never truly gone.
Leonor Von Baer: Aww so sorry for the loss of your cat
Carol Gass: So sorry for you loss, Missy!
Juleen Greer: Sorry to read this Melissa, you were talking about him on Saturday. Hugs to all of you
Arlene Brand Byron: So sorry for your loss. Hopefully your happy memories with your furbaby will help you through this very difficult time.
Laura Hlady: Sorry for your loss
Jackie Barbondy: Sorry for your loss.
Merry Anne Banks: What a handsome boy.. looks like he had a wonderful 19 and a half years with you. My Felix was the same age as your Zoomer… not a day goes by that I don’t recall fond memories of him (and his brother Oscar who only made 14 yrs)
Dana Friesen: My condolences, looks like you have given him wonderful life and had many memories and cuddles
Ree Lang: Oh lord. blessings and condolences to You and your loved ones .
Ree Lang: I’ve had my lil girl for a few months and she my roomy ,partner and best friend. sounds like your fur dude was a member of pecking in order in your home . His energy a joy will be with you when you need I’m sure
Deb Nygaard: They are way more than pets, they are our fur- kids, it hurts to lose them,,
Ree Lang: Deb Nygaard TRUTH
Penny Shepherd: Sorry for your loss
Patricia Wenger: Another precious furbaby running freely over rainbow bridge. Godspeed little one.
Deb Doherty: My Condolences
Eve Nagy: Never easy to lose a loved one. My deepest sympathy
Terry J. Wozney: So sorry.
Tara Carkner Turcotte: Sorry for your family loss hugs

Katherine Sinclair Newton: Hugs
Carmen Dennis: Hugs❤
Ashley Marinus-Cote: Oh huge hugs on your loss
Joni Fuller: I tried calling you yesterday to see if you wanted to join us for a walk but now I know why u didn’t answer. ❤
Melissa Rioux: Joni Fuller I didn’t even see that you called. Sorry
Joni Fuller: No that’s okay. I’ll keep trying
Jessie Burroughs: love and hugs xo
Angie Sterling: ♥ I dread the day I lose my babies ♥ hugs ♥
Stacie Johnson: Hugs
Geraldine Hutchings: So sorry your baby had to leave you.
Brent Chamberlain: Super Big Hugs to Kiddo

Darrel has always been a cherished soul mate. I felt this connection strongly and finding out he had passed just when I thought he was coming closer again has torn me to bits. We have had a long history.

His sister, Robin, posted on his social media page, and this was my first confirmation that Darrel had indeed passed.

The first posts were my heart thoughts just after finding out he passed, along with the similar connections with Andy and Larry who also passed at a young age. These three were my heart and soul connections in this life that I cannot explain the synchronicities and love shared in different capacities.

The rest were social media posts and all the messages and condolences that came in. Thank you so much to each of you!

Robin Muller
Sept 30 2021 356 PM
**update** my brother Blake Koehl and I – and our families are ever so grateful for your kind words and thoughts – please keep Darrel forever in your heart and memories
It’s with great sadness that I let the people in Darrel Koehl’s life know that my brother was not alone when he passed today
A celebration of life will be at a later date
***************************************

Jackie
September 30 2021
I was all set to send out my October newsletter when this news knocked me off center. I felt I needed to let my subscribers know why I needed a few days off work. With condolences to Darrel’s family mentioned here: https://mailchi.mp/fe722c6f54f1/ladybug-wellness-news-4795166
I’d like to extend my condolences to Darrel’s parents, Thyra and Cliff, Siblings Robin and Blake and their families and most of all, Darrel’s children Jerzi and Cooper. Darrel was very much loved by many, and will never be forgotten.

Jackie N. Rioux to Darrel Koehl
September 30 2021 3:57PM
I just talked to you 3 weeks ago. … not that anyone really knew our connection. I’ll love you forever.

Jackie N. Rioux
September 30 2021 7:04 PM
Soul connections:
Andy Senger April 7 1976 – Dec 13 2014. I babysat him so much when he was little. Later in life, we had this uncanny connection that any time we would think of each other, we would run into each other within a week. The last time I spent an evening with him was 2011. At the end of the night he gave me a hug goodbye. I asked him for a second hug. I realized too late that our souls knew that was the last time I would see him in person.
He was always my guardian angel, now he is my spirit guide. It took me 7 years to create a web page for Andy. It just hurt so much. https://ladybugwellness.ca/andrew-senger/
Larry Nizio April 9 1981 – Oct 13 2018 Larry was my son in law. We had a strong soul connection too. I seemed to always feel when he needed me to clear his energy. He loved and appreciated this connection and loved calling me Mom. I remember reaching out to a friend in June 2018 to ask for help getting rid of these awful nightmares that I kept feeling like my neck was broken somehow. When I saw him in July 2018, I had a chance to tell him that he will always be my son in law and that I loved him dearly. When I pulled out of the driveway, my heart sank. I “knew” I would be back in Abbotsford in October but didn’t know why. I missed a call from Larry October 11 2018. Larry died of a broken neck in a motorcycle accident the next afternoon. I have a page started for Larry but again I am in too much pain to finish it properly just yet. https://ladybugwellness.ca/larry-lazer-nizio-memorial-page/
Darrel Koehl June 23 1979 – Sept 30 2021 We always had family connections growing up. We dated 21 years ago and had so many other soul connections since then. I had written a poem for him when we broke up and always wished he would be back in my life at some point. He knows that my poem for him has been in my website since 2012. Yet I don’t think many of his friends understood how strong of a connection we shared. Any time I have seen Darrel in my dreams, I have seen him in person within a week later, no matter where we were. The pic on this page from 2015 was the last time he stayed the night with me, a 6 am photo.
Some of my intuitive friends had said we were twin flames. This past year (2021) we talked on the phone several times. I reminded him often of his poem that he appreciated so many years ago. I called him for his birthday and told him I wanted to see him soon. I told him to give up on all those young entitled b*tches that have screwed him over and be with a woman that would take care of his heart. He laughed and said he knew I was different. He appreciated that call. Although I have always told him I loved him, and that his heart beat feels like home, a month ago, in our conversation August 14 2021, I told him straight up how I felt about him and what I wanted and what I wanted, meaning him as a relationship again. He has always been my safe space and I could tell him anything. The world has gone crazy and I wanted to be close to him again to feel safe as I had in the past. Since then we kept missing each other’s calls. I had left him messages of all my favorite things about him but missed his calls. Yesterday September 29, I was in tears all day from some other distressing events, or so I thought. I had been thinking of Darrel all day, and wanted to call him but I didn’t because I was so upset already. Last night I cleared more energy between us, and cleared my energy. I woke up 4 am with more ideas to clear energy between us. Usually when I have cleared energy between us, he feels closer, and he did. Now I figure I must have been helping him transition. Weirdly, I had also asked our Spiritual Lessons regarding our connection. For both of us, it was “follow soul mission” and “You are eternal”.
Today I found out that he died after having a car accident 5 days before. He had had 2 simultaneous heart attacks while driving and they had pulled the plug Sept 30. I found out on social media. For as much as he has meant to me as a soul mate but unacknowledged by others, this was an awful way to find out. Most of my energy healer friends knew about Darrel as he always came up in my own energy sessions as a soul connection. It just feels like a nightmare illusion and I wish someone would say it is all untrue, that he is alive and well. I always felt such an urgency the last few months to make sure he knew he was loved and cherished. In the past I had told him about losing Andy and Larry and told him to take care of himself because I could not go through that kind of loss again. But here we are… We each have our soul journeys and the exit points we choose. We’ll never know or understand why or when our souls choose to go. As an energy balancing practitioner, I know miracles can happen often. But in the grieving process of denial and rationalizing, it is hard to not get caught up in the what ifs and wonder if we could have done anything to create a different outcome.
With each of these special soul connections, I think I intuitively “knew” time was not long, yet I hate that kind of intuition and have always denied it then realized too late that my intuition was right. They each KNEW how much they meant to me in their own unique ways: an angel, a son, and a cherished soul mate. I had a chance to tell them before they left this earth plane but still a feel a reeling loss of things unsaid.
Darrel was my last straw. I loved him so much and today I am numb in shock. I didn’t want his poem to become a memorial page, but now it is. I am just done. I can’t do this anymore.
https://ladybugwellness.ca/i-wish/
Tribute to Darrel Koehl | Ladybug Wellness

Amy Mauer: Feel my love Jackie. We are all holding you at this time.
Jackie N. Rioux: Amy Mauer thank you. I wish I had called him this week, yesterday like should have that f.ing intuition is scary now.
Melissa sleeping with me tonight
Amy Mauer: Jackie N. Rioux I have a bit of it too and it’s sucks. Glad about Melissa and I hope you did get some sleep
Jackie N. Rioux: Amy Mauer woke 230. With Andy and Larry I was inconsolable tears for weeks. Now I am numb and my heart feels dead. remembering our last words… now I know why I felt him so strongly this past week.

Tanya Kutenics: Sorry for your loss Jackie ❤

Regina Toth: Sending love and hugs Jackie. xoxo

Nataša Martinec: So sorry for your loss Jackie N. Rioux! I know how much all of them mean to you. Please reach out if you need help! Sending you lots of love and light in your grieving time.
Jackie N. Rioux: Nataša Martinec thank you. Just realizing so much of conversations this past year… just like the other two. Now it lines up and I’m a fucking wreck at the moment. Our souls know.
Nataša Martinec: Jackie N. Rioux we always know on soul level, but as humans sometimes it’s hard to accept. Give yourself time to properly grieve!
Jackie N. Rioux: Nataša Martinec I’m freaking out here cuz I’ve been told several times we’ve been seen together. Now I’m wondering if I’m next. I’m scared. Everything else came true.
Nataša Martinec: Jackie N. Rioux we are all next, just depends when. I do believe our souls decide on that when. If I were you I would focus on releasing that fear and allow myself to grieve. Hope this helps?
Jackie N. Rioux: Nataša Martinec thank you. I know this. Just all my trauma training disappears when it’s me.
I’ve got my network of trusted healers around me so I can still function

Myhrr Moffat: So sorry Jackie

Kare E Corfield: hugs

Renee Schofield: Sending you big love. So very sorry for your loss.

Janet Green: So sorry For all that pain — hugs
Denise Homer-Goodwin: Oh my goodness Jackie..I’m so sorry! Please reach out if I can help you! I’m here and am happy to do a session anytime. However prayers coming right now my friend❤❤.
Jackie N. Rioux: Denise Homer-Goodwin Thank you. Ironically I have appt with Sue V this morning. Gonna need to clear lots of no will to live. My heart feels dead right now.

Lena Freeman: Sending you much love and hugs!

Aubrey Grace: So sorry for your loss. Prayers sent for you.

Willa Vire: Sorry for your loss. You have many people sending you love and peace.

Heather Townsend: I am so sorry to hear about your latest loss! I wish that I was closer to give you a shoulder to cry on and to give you some support! Love you lots

Joyce Murray: Sorry for your loss Jackie N Rioux if you need to just talk and have a coffee I am here for you

Paula Hamer: Hugs/ thinking of you

Yvonne Marie Wittke: Sorry for your hurting heart, Jackie

Gloria M Padilla: I am sorry for your loss. Big hugs.
Jackie N. Rioux” Gloria M Padilla hugs to you too. I know you’ve known loss in a horrible way lately as well.

Elaine Temple” So sorry for your loss Jackie. Sending hugs!

Sharon Bourassa: Cherish the memories and know they are all still there. Mortality sucks and they were gone way too soon.

Janet Wyatt: A warm embrace. GIF
Jackie N. Rioux: Janet Wyatt that one just brought tears again

Jackie N. Rioux
September 30, 2021 4:20 PM
Now I know why I was crying so much yesterday. No one really knows or understands the connection we had. I just talked to you 3 weeks ago and then kept missing calls. I wanted to call you yesterday but didn’t. I’ll love you forever.
Rest in Peace, until we meet again. Darrel Koehl
Tribute to Darrel Koehl | Ladybug Wellness

Lee Mackenzie: ❤

Muriel Alyssia: massive hugs

Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: So sorry Jackie N. Rioux

Phyllis Ann Mains: Prayers and Love sent ❤

Paula Hamer: Hugs!

Sherry Mannino: So sorry for your loss.

Jay Pinelli: I’m sorry for your loss! My condolences.

Amy Jo Ellis: I’m missing something. Who did you lose ?
Jackie N. Rioux: Amy Jo Ellis Darrel… the one you said had such good energy
Amy Jo Ellis: Jackie N. Rioux oh I’m so sorry!!! I love you Jackie! Holding you in my heart. That Fing SUCKS!!!!!!

Amie Pagliaro: Sending you so much love and lots of hugs ❤

Jessie Sangha: Huge hugs ❤ So sorry for your loss Jackie

Janet Riganti: ❤❤❤❤️Jackie….So sorry.

Linda L Scott: so sorry for your loss

Holland Gauthier: Condolences

Dannica Turner: Awe hun, hugest hugs.

Kirsta Scranton: My deepest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.

Tanya Lee: I am so sorry mom! I send my love

Lacey Jean: I’m so sorry for your loss

Willa Vire: Loss of any one is hard, especially a dear friend. Sorry for your loss Jackie.

Danya Rossi: Omg wow, my condolences

Betty Hoff: Hug tightly to all the happy memories you two made together Jackie: so sorry for the loss of your friend ❤

Jad Chamcham: So sorry Jackie. Much love.

Radhika Agarwal: Sorry for the loss! Sending you healing energies

Lisa C. Anderson: I’m so sorry. Holding you in my prayers.

Norma Zambesco: ❤

Chris Chimbers: I’m sorry for your loss, Jackie.

Shiela Maycock: Hugs to you Jackie N. Rioux sorry for your loss.❤

Dianne Benner: I’m so very sorry for your loss Jackie. Sending much love and big hugs

October 1 2021
Hey there lady bug I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Let me know if you need anything.
love you bunches Lisa Glennie

Sending condolences………. Alana O

So very sorry for your loss!
Sending healing energy and big hug your way.
I saw that post about the bees too… so powerful! Leonor

Big hugs to you Jackie losing someone dear to us unexpectedly can be such a shock and knock us off our centre. Special prayers to you and for Darrel and all those who loved him.
Leslie B

Dear Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Darrel. I read you poem and your tribute and my heart aches for the immense love and loss for both of you.
I am holding you in my thoughts today, my friend.
Katz

Tami Young: Super big hugs to you!!!!

Debbie Kinton: Thinking about you and sending you hugs ❤
Jackie: Thank you. I feel so freaking empty and part of me feels like I’m “not allowed ” to love him as much as i have.
Debbie Kinton: Your feelings are valid and nobody can tell you that you’re not allowed to feel or how much to feel about him.

Condolences
Sheila George To: You Fri 2021-10-01 8:35 AM
Dear Jackie,
I am so sad to hear of Darrel’s passing. Your heartfelt tribute moved me to tears. You and Darrel had such an enduring connection with each other that will remain for eternity.
It’s good that you have a strong support group to help you through this devastating time. You are not alone.
With sincere sympathy and condolences, Sheila

Ladybug Wellness Page
October 2, 2021
Thank you for all the messages and comments the last few days. I have lost loved ones before, but each is unique and this one hit particularly hard. I am grateful for an amazing network of energy healers around me. Thank you.
His kids were his life. Please keep them in your prayers along with parents and siblings.
137 People reached
15 Engagements
7 hearts

Jackie N. Rioux
October 2 2021 6:01 am
Darrel Koehl loved by so many. dearly cherished. Eternally remembered.
It seems that only when we lose a loved one that we learn just how much they meant to everyone that crossed their life’s path.
Each of us have our own cherished memories and meant something to Darrel in our own unique capacity.
I take some small comfort now in knowing that each of our phone calls these past years I was able to share our memories and that you knew beyond a doubt how much you meant to me. Soul connections transcend time space and dimension. I guess we have learned the spiritual lesson “you are eternal”. His poem page in my website is my space rather than social media. I’ve been sharing my memories and musings there: https://ladybugwellness.ca/i-wish/

In Memory of all those who left us too soon. You are always with us. We remember you in the morning, in the night, when we look at the stars, a special song, a place, a smell. You are always with us.
Jonny Houlihan “Feels like home” was my song for Darrel because I told him so many time that his heart beat feels like home to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYUfyUDFqTQ

Debra Wilkins: My heart goes out to you, Jackie.

Kathryn Darrow: Jackie, it’s easy to see the depth of your connection and your devotion to Darrel, and I wish you every bit of grace, comfort, and angelic assistance as you feel his loss. So much love to you!
Jackie N. Rioux: Kathryn Darrow lots of soul work going on now. ❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Kathryn Darrow I have continued to add more memories and musings to his page, therapeutic writings for me to let out the pain right now.
Kathryn Darrow: That’s beautiful, Jackie. To love someone like that, from the depth of your soul, is such a treasure in this life. Take good care of yourself. Sending a big hug across the ethers to you!

Sandra Cisneros: Many, many hugs!

Gloria M Padilla: Undoubtedly true it’s amazing how we don’t value someone in our life till their gone. I am guilty of it.

Jackie N. Rioux: that is my one small comfort here is that I was able to speak my truth and my heart the last time we spoke. We just didn’t get a chance to follow up the conversation.

Jackie N. Rioux: Listening to these today: https://robwergin.com/robs-playlists/

Jessie Sangha: I never knew or met Darrell, but he seemed to be loved by a lot of my friends…I’m so sorry for your loss..he seemed like an amazing guy..Huge hugs ❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Jessie Sangha He was very much loved by a lot of people. He was pretty special to me.
Jessie Sangha: Jackie N. Rioux …I’m so so sorry for your loss hun..huge hugs ❤

Doina Martinez: So sorry for your loss of a dear friend as well as his families loss as well ❤

Nikki Laird: Hugs

Car Da: Mein Beileid/ I am so sorry for your loss

Pammi Gill: So sorry for your loss ❤

Kare E Corfield: Sending you a humongous hug Jackie

Jackie N. Rioux
October 2 5:43PM
Thank you for all the messages and comments the last few days. I have lost loved ones before, but each is unique and this one hit particularly hard. I am grateful for an amazing network of energy healers around me. Thank you. Needing to keep me grounded cuz my soul didn’t want to be here anymore. I think we’re past that thankfully. My kids still need me. Grief diet sucks though. Appetite is long gone right now. Silver lining is shedding a few pounds. Bone broth for now. His page in my site is my space to share memories so i am writing more there. https://ladybugwellness.ca/i-wish/
His kids were his life. Please keep them in your prayers along with parents and siblings. He was much loved by many many people. I WISH | Ladybug Wellness

Lacey Jean: ❤

Lee Mackenzie: hugs

Gloria M Padilla: ❤

Muriel Alyssia: Bone broth is great. Nettle infusion is also great, Google it plus Sun Weed.
I also suggest Soul Support and calling all Angels essences, they got me though a similar situation last year. They are Alaskan essences, make sure you get the oral ones. Amazon likely have them too. Still sending to all.
Jackie N. Rioux: Muriel Alyssia thank you. I’ll install and accept energetically. Easier than purchasing.

Myhrr Moffat: praying for you and everyone involved

October 2021 GRIT
October 4 2021
SA-Name:// JACKIE RIOUX
Day of GRIT: #1 of 28
CONTEXT: StoryAthlete Finds a Way…
21 years ago I dated a man that I had known from childhood. Little did I realize the soul connection we had then. There were factors against us in keeping that relationship and we parted but have connected many times over the years. I had written a poem for him when we broke up. That poem has been in my website many years and I have referenced his poem any time we connected. Events have happened in the last few years that led me to believe that we might rekindle that lost relationship at some point soon.
I cannot explain soul connection, but I have had it before in other ways with a dear friend and a son in law. I lost Andy in 2014, and Larry in 2018. It is only after they passed that I realized the soul connection as it was, although in life we had an uncanny spiritual connection we could not explain, but we knew it was there.
Although we were connected all these years in our own ways, I had lost touch with his family several years ago. In January 2021, I connected again with Darrel, and again, I cannot explain the urgency I felt to tell him I loved him any time we talked. I had even said many times that our soul connection transcends time space and dimension, and that I love his soul. (Who the fuck says that??? But yes I did).
My energy healer and intuitive friends knew about Darrel and my soul connection with him as he often came up in my own energy healing sessions. Many were sure that this soul connection was bringing us together at some point soon. He also loved my energy healing any time I shared that with him.
We had some good chats in the last few months. I had hoped that he would come out to see me as he lives a few hours away. He promised to call next time he was here, but with restrictions and borders, I wasn’t sure that would happen any time soon. The last time we talked was August 14th 2021. It was in that phone call that I reiterated my feelings for him and bluntly told him I wanted a relationship with him again. Since that call, we missed each other’s calls a few times. The last two weeks, that urgency to call him intensified, but again, we missed each other’s calls.
Last Thursday, September 30th, through mutual connections on Facebook, I found out that he died that morning after being in a car accident several days before. He had had 2 simultaneous heart attacks while driving.
When I lost Larry and Andy, I was a wreck for a couple months afterwards. Inconsolable tears, but I managed to still live my life as best I could. The connection with Darrel, since we dated, was so much stronger as a cherished soul mate. I feel numb, empty, and dead inside. I was going to sit out of GRIT this month, but I am here because I need my GRIT warrior team more than ever right now.
I had told Darrel about my involvement with GRIT and I am sure he would want me to continue right now. We never know someone else’s soul journey or the exit points we will take. I just know that the other side is Heaven and they do not want to see us sad and miserable. So I am trying to find my way through this emptiness and tears.
I have turned his poem page into a memorial page and have been sharing some musings and memories there to let the hurts out of my aching heart. I am grateful to my energy healer friends who have been supporting me through this the last few days, because honestly, when I heard this news, my soul wanted to leave as well. My kids still need me. So I am here in GRIT again.
< End of GRIT post>

Neil Sekol: Jackie Rioux Praying for you at this very difficult time of loss. May God’s Grace be with you and keep you.
Jackie Rioux: Side note: Grief diet has had me not eating solid foods for a few days. Lost 8 lbs.
Niki McCormick: Jackie so sorry your heart is breaking.

Brett Wininger: Jackie Rioux I’m honored that you are letting us grieve with you here in GRIT.
Yes, it’s going to hurt, let it hurt here with us.
Yes, there will be crying, we can cry here together.
Everything we do for you or say to you is about taking the next step forward in this journey.
What has happened or didn’t happen is in the past and its unchangeable.
My Dad wasnt by any means a spiritual man but he often said to be more concerned with the ones still left here on Earth than the one that is gone.
Their problems are over, we still here stuck dealing with life.
This is a powerful reminder to draw closer to our loved ones cause there is a day for all of us that will be the last.
You are not alone in this walk, we are here for you, one day at a time.
Jackie Rioux: Brett Wininger Thank you. I was such a wreck from the news that my soul wanted to leave asap too. Thankful for support when I really need it.
Divine timing that a friend sent me a video a month ago meaning for the cats we lost, but I just watched it today.. lots of tears from this bittersweet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bF8UTZgFKc
Life After Death with Dawn Hayman
Brett Wininger: Jackie Rioux you will have a powerful story to share when someone else goes thru a similar loss.
They might not have the support, resources or insights that you have and they will really need you experience.

Niki McCormick: Jackie stay strong on your hard journey.

October 4 2021
Glenda Monett: My precious friend, Jackie, My heart hurts so deeply for your loss. I remember well our “girl time” discussion, along with the depths of your thoughts and feelings for Darrel. Very bittersweet. I’m completely stunned. I wish I could take this pain away from you!
If you feel comfortable with me and would like someone who’s a good listener, I am your girlfriend. ♥
No worries if not. I know you must be far beyond the mere term, “emotionally exhausted.” And, myriad other things…. I’m just so sorry.
I’m here for you, and you’re in my consistent prayers.
Love you, much more than I can even express.
Jackie: Thank you. Yes feeling very lost. Everything seemed to be coming together. He felt closer. Then…just gone and I found out thru social media. I have been adding a blog to his page writing thoughts there.
Oct 28 2021: Glenda Monett: I love you and I’m still feeling heartfelt condolences for your loss. I know how hard this must be. Much love and many prayers, my precious friend. ♥♥

Jackie N. Rioux
October 5 2021
Watching this video now… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bF8UTZgFKc
Life After Death with Dawn Hayman

Quote “I left not when you were furthest from my body, but when you were closest to my heart”.
Quote: “while my physical body grew weaker, my ethereal body grew stronger. Guides came to meet me and we talked about many things…”
Quote: “Death is not the end of life. It is merely the next step in the continuation of a soul’s journey. There is nothing to fear. There is love. And that love never goes away. You will never be alone. You will be accompanied by beloved friends. And you will know what to do. It only seems a mystery now, but it will all be clear”. From a guide through Dawn Hayman.

Sonya McMillan Marcoux: I was on that call!! It was amazing.

Jackie N. Rioux: Sonya McMillan Marcoux Thank you for sending it. I just found it today.
What stood out for me in the video was the story of the woman crossing over and finding her lost love and dancing. I can only pray that will be me and Darrel when it is my time to go.
The other part that brought torrential tears again was the quote “I left not when you were furthest from my body, but when you were closest to my heart”.
One of the last things I ever said to Darrel Koehl was reiterating a line from his poem above “I want to hold your heart close to mine precious and dear”. His energy was weighing on me so heavily the last week before I found out he passed, I was awake ALL night Sept 24th. Maybe his soul was reaching out and maybe I just wasn’t able to understand any messages as that is not really my gift.

Sonya McMillan Marcoux: Jackie N. Rioux I forgot I even sent that to you. I was trying to plan a trip there but they are still closed due to “you know what”. I think I may never come back. Yes, I cried almost from the very beginning of the meeting. It really had a profound effect on me and my view of “death”. Perhaps you are correct about his soul reaching out, that’s not my gift either, but obviously “something” was going on to alert you. I continue to keep you and his family in prayer and ask that you all be lifted to a place of peace. Continuing to send you love my dear precious friend. ❤

Oct 6 2021
Rachel Snell
Worked at ImpactClub® – Forging Elite Storytellers
10/6/21, 10:54 PM
Rachel Snell: I must admit I haven’t caught up reading everybody’s daily writing. I read yours for today just now. I don’t have all the pieces to know what happened. I send you the biggest hugs and all the love! 💞💞💞
10/7/21, 2:20 AM
Jackie: Thank you. Day 1 is an explanation and I’ve been writing in his page daily like a blog to let the pain out there.
https://ladybugwellness.ca/i-wish/ Tribute to Darrel Koehl | Ladybug Wellness
10/7/21, 2:21 PM Rachel: A big hug from me to you!

Oct 6 2021
Purnima Sharma: Jackie, I am so sorry to hear of your tragic great loss. Lots of love your way ❤

October 20 2021
Jackie N. Rioux: Until you experience a soul connection spiritual relationship with someone, you just don’t understand. Soul family is so enlightening and magical.
Sometimes you don’t understand this kind of relationship until it is too late.
“spiritual relationships: one of the changes you may be feeling right now is that you want to be with people who SEE you – the real you, all of you, those who get your fullness. It’s no longer about hanging with peeps you know just because you know them or have been in their lives for years; it’s about being with those who understand all of your layers and dimensions. They see your journey with deeper eyes. The Minds Journal.
Comments:
Parul Khanna: God, I at times feel lonely in this world, even when I have known so many people…so many have been so close for years and years, yet, I feel a void, and don’t feel like connecting to my own family and old friends..I sometimes wonder what’s wrong with me, Jackie N. Rioux
Sometimes I question my decision of staying away from old connections that don’t seem to resonate anymore… moreover, I am barely able to find any soul connection (physically around me) .. of course I have found wonderful souls like you on COA group…yet, I feel the need to have some connection, in physical presence. The world around seems to be led by superficiality and I feel a complete misfit..and distance myself.
I question myself and my decision because AJ says if there’s something that irks you.. it’s inside of you and you need to deal with it, to heal it and be okay with it.
Lorena Calin: Parul Khanna but it’s “natural” to desire to find your tribe
Jackie N. Rioux: Very lonely path yup. Supposedly means we’re destined for greatness. In our alone times we turn inward to find our strength and hone our spiritual gifts so we can be of service to others. If you had company, would you step away from that comfort to take those steps? Probably not.
Lots of times I am so f.ing frustrated with ” wtf did I sign up for here”. Especially when loved ones are tragically taken so young and leave children behind. Or just any other reason that we are so misunderstood and left so alone.
I have an amazing network of healer friends but they are scattered globally
Parul Khanna: Jackie N. Rioux I understand …thank you for replying ❤
Lorena Calin: Jackie N. Rioux omg!!! 100%…. why did we sign up for this?? #connected to “#soulsisters” and “#soulbrothers” – #soultribe
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: You Jackie are part of my soul family
Jackie N. Rioux: Yes you are.
Rhonda Martinez Montanez: I see you !

October 21 2021 Jackie N. Rioux A new fresh hell with each loss triggering the ones before…
Renee Schofield: Sending you big Alaska ❤ !
Keith Olson: …and sometimes the person we lose is who we were before things changed for the worse. That can be the most painful of all.
Janet Wyatt: You are loved, today, tomorrow, and forever.

October 22 2021 to Sacred Awakening Akashic group
Jackie N. Rioux
We’re getting to half way through the course and I am finally posting an introduction here. I had meant to keep up with this course from the beginning but my life went sideways Sept 30 and although I am still functioning and living, my heart is void and broken right now. My original reason for taking this course died that day, literally.
Here we go anyway:
My back story is that I overcame childhood sexual abuse. I have turned all that past into a brighter future and a gift for working with my clients in overcoming their past traumas as well. I have had a website since 1998 and it really is a self empowerment resource with everything that has ever helped me in life being in there. Back in 2008 I had a breakdown at work (I was at the post office 26 years, retired early 5 years ago) and that was a blessing in disguise as it was when my real healing journey began. I started taking psychology courses and then branched into energy psychology starting my business in 2011. I had two divorces behind me and needed a lot of healing,
Around that time, I had someone tell me a few things about Akashic records. One thing that stood out was being told that I am one of 800 special souls who came to Earth to encourage others. That is me alright, and the reason behind my website. I have also been told that I am a “very good conduit” in networking people and information. Yup, that is me too.
I published my story in an anthology book in 2017. I now have a YouTube channel and share my stories through my website and through this YouTube channel, including the reason behind my ladybugs.
I am certified in a few modalities such as Thought Field Tapping Techniques, Usui Reiki Master Teacher, Emotion Code. I have taken many other courses that I have integrated into my own unique toolbox.
I have had a very strong soul connection with a man I dated 21 years ago. We had grown up together, but factors were against us then. We have connected many times over the years just picking up where we left off. A couple years ago an intuitive suggested he was my Twin Flame and told me she saw us together for many happy years. Several other trusted intuitive friends have confirmed he is definitely a soul mate. I myself had such an urgency regarding him the last few years. Every time I talked to him I kept telling him I loved him and what he meant to me. In our last conversation, I had told him I wanted to rekindle our relationship and I told him I had signed up for this course with the intention to figure out this soul connection between us. We kept missing calls after that and I found out that he died Sept 30. I have had to do a heck of a lot of energy balancing since then and I am grateful for my energy healer friends supporting me because I wanted to go to sleep that night and just not wake up. My 4 kids and 5 grandkids still need me here though. My intuitive friends keep reminding me that we choose our exit points before coming to earth, and that one intuitive friend says that her prediction must have meant with him on the other side as we are now closer in heart than when he was here physically.
My mind is still having a hard time with the humanness grieving of 3D and having to grasp 5D spiritual reasoning.
But it is time to buckle down and get busy on this course to catch up and see what the future has in store for me. Pic is an aura reading I had done a few years ago.
Seen by 99
13 Comments
Teresa Williams Carson: Thank you for sharing Jackie N. Rioux… and welcome! I hope you find peace in your heart!
Dana Croiala: Hugs, love and Light! May find your strengths to move forward!
Linda Gui: So very courageous and kind of you to share, Jackie! Hope you will heal and regain peace in your heart ❤
Carmen Manastyrski-Goebel: Glad you’re here
Kimberly Saunders: Sending love to you. I’m grateful you continue each day. ❤
Michelle Hamady: Thank you for sharing your post. Heart hugs to you as you continue to heal. I’m glad you’re here in this group during this time. May your courageous light continue to strengthen and shine.
Paula Durrani: Wow thank you sharing your journey. This course has been amazing for me so far and I hope you find the answers and guidance you were guided to. I also love this picture I didn’t know it was possible to take picture of your Aura
Jackie N. Rioux: Paula Durrani I met a young man in a course years ago that had some sort of app where he could draw what he sees.
Ciayrra Jhenelle: We might have chose it, but depending on our circumstances is how we will feel and react. It is important to process and grieve. I’m sorry for your loss
Victoria Seeberger: Thank you for sharing, and i feel compelled to say that i feel that through this course you’ll learn to channel him. And maybe part of his journey was becoming your guardian, and its something that in the physical he couldn’t accomplish. I pray you can find comfort knowing that the Masters Teachers and Loved are with you, including this love that has now transformed❤
Jackie N. Rioux: Victoria Seeberger thank you. That is what I am trying to accept and wrap my head around now. I hope you are right. Looking back on all our conversations, I realize now how many time I have said to him “Your heartbeat feels like home”, I love you, I love your body, I love your soul”, and “our soul connection transcends time space and dimension”.
Kinda freaky now realizing I have never said those things to anyone else.

Amy Robeson Admin: I am so sorry for your loss Jackie N. Rioux. We are not separate from one another so you can have a loving relationship with him in the spiritual realms and not in human form. I would suggest asking more questions in the records about how you can connect with his High VIbrational Soul in his whole form. I would also ask how his passing is impacting your bodies and how you can support all aspects of yourself in this stage of grief. ❤ Sending you a big hug and lots of love and light

Tappy Doane
Nov 7, 2021, 10:52 AM
Saw your beautiful post(s). Sorry for your losses
I read you blogpost about Andy

November 6 2021
Carol Surbey post: Who here has hope for the future?
Jackie N. Rioux: Losing hope… losing loved ones
Carol Surbey: Jackie N. Rioux: I know. I feel for you hun. Just know that many love you…
Jackie N. Rioux: Carol Surbey: It is so frustrating when I “know” why, but his family doesn’t connect the dots and I am shunned
Penelope Daune: Jackie N. Rioux sending you much strength
Jackie N. Rioux: I lost my soul mate to heart attack. No proof on reason but I “know “. There is no reason he should have had a heart attack.
Walter Mark William Beardwood: Jackie N. Rioux: https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/circ.144.suppl_1.10712
Jackie N. Rioux: Walter Mark William Beardwood thank you. We also had a extended family member pass 2 days after v. Heart attack. Family demanded autopsy and were refused.

Ladybug Wellness
November 14, 2021
My project today was putting some of my grief process to good use. I cannot explain how many times in the last while I have had some of the most random connections to bring someone into my awareness that has either a loved one in hospice, or someone recently passed.
I have been offering my resources to assist them. Now today I put it all into one web page to share. I probably will add more and adjust as I always do as new information comes in, but this is a start: https://ladybugwellness.ca/managing-grief/
Assistance for Grieving Hearts | Managing Grief by Ladybug | Nov 15, 2021 | Tributes |
People reached
5 Engagements
2 hearts Jackie Burfield and Kate Lok

Jackie N. Rioux
November 14 2021
Back in August 2021, I signed up for 2 different Akashic Records certification courses. While this was a way to offer a new service to my Ladybug Wellness clients, I also had a way more personal and selfish reason to take these courses. I wanted to explore and learn more about my own soul purpose, and the deep soul connection I have had with Darrel Koehl for many, many years. All my aspirations with this course got put on hold when I found out he had passed away.
With encouragement from my mentors and teachers, I now understand that we have not been disconnected and are in fact way more connected now than ever before.
If you have never experienced a deep soul connection with someone, it is like an intense chemistry of knowingness. While Darrel and I did converse a lot, many things between us we just “knew”; with time, space, dimension never being an issue. Having grown up in the same neighborhood with a similar German background upbringing, our earthly soul family connection goes back a long way, most of our lives actually.
Yes there has been a helluva lotta tears. My physical body has definitely been grieving and reacting to the heartache of never being able to enjoy his physical presence again or seeing his number come up on my phone again, but I have a renewed hope of being able to experience a loving relationship as predicted, on a whole different level, without the earthly attachments, hindrances, and interferences that were factors against us in this life.
The first few days, it was not just that I felt my heart died with him. My soul wanted to leave and go Home with him as well. I am so grateful for my own energy balancing skills and the network of energy healers that I am blessed to call friends. They have stepped up in a big way to assist me in keeping grounded and releasing the emotional charge of pain and heartache these last few weeks. I have been able to balance my mental and emotional state of mind in order to keep my energy vibration high so I can continue to connect on the soul and spiritual level with his Higher Vibrational Whole self.
We had talked so many times of stepping into our own power, following our Soul Mission, the past life connections between us. That fascinated him immensely. The Spiritual Lessons between us, I have learned, are “Follow your Soul Mission” and “You are Eternal”. I have always known Darrel to be a beautiful old soul. I just didn’t realize he would be stepping into his Divine Soul Mission at a whole different level by dropping the shackles of this earthly life and leaving the physical plane before me.
I had no idea how seriously he would be taking his nickname “Shiny Diamond” in transitioning to ascended Pure Crystalline energy. Mulling over and reanalyzing our past conversations, particularly the last few years, I am realizing we have been soul talking all along, and now so many things make sense! “I love you, I love your body, I love your soul”. I have always told him that his heart beat feels like Home, and more recently referenced the Johnny Houlihan country song. Darrel loved and was always fascinated with all the energy work I did with him and how it made sense for him. He always gave me great feedback that gave me more insights in this work. In our very last conversations, I had told him I signed up for these Akashic courses so I could explore more about the soul connection between us. One of the very last things I said to him was that my favorite thing was curling up with him and listening to his heart beat, and referencing his poem in my website yet again. Less than two weeks later he left his physical body.
From the first intuitive prediction of “you’re going to fall for a country boy” where 6 months later I was dating Darrel, to many other intuitive connections over the years, to the most recent “you’ll be hand in hand for many happy years”. I suppose this is a whole new way of understanding “take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, Living on a Prayer”.
I have been working through this course this past week and opening my clairs so I can better connect in the Akash, but also with Darrel. I have had at least 3 visits this past week. I can see him radiantly happy now. Pure authentic joy. I felt his love for Allison and his pride in “getting something right” here on earth. I felt his love for his kids strongly. And I felt his presence keeping me company all night a few times — hearing his heartbeat in a different way now. Death is only a doorway, and the veil is thin. 11:11 is a Twin Flame portal. Now I can look forward to more visits and a loving relationship with Darrel as my Spirit Guide and Heavenly Soul Mate.
*******************
Darrel was relentless in pursing me until I agreed to date him. This is the poem I wrote for Darrel at the time when I had to love him enough to let him go. He loved this poem and he knew that it has been in my website for years. Now turned into my own tribute to him since he was not fond of social media.
I WISH
I wish I could be the one by your side holding hands, strolling along a beach as waves caress our feet, the sun warms our complexions, and a cool breeze stirs the air;
I wish I could be the one by your side beholding the wonders of nature – majestic mountains, towering trees, rushing rivers, and budding blossoms
I wish I could be the one by your side savoring the scents of fresh cut grass, cedar trees, wild flowers and mountain streams;
I wish I could be the one by your side on a hillside bluff admiring the radiant colors of a summer sunset, then gazing at, and wishing upon shooting stars;
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing the excitement of discovering something new;
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing stories, secrets, riddles, and knowledge, to bond and to grow;
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing an ice cream sundae—one bowl, one spoon, and kissing away the chocolate sauce;
I wish I could be the first to hear of your good news, happy moments and latest jokes;
I wish I could be the one you turn to first for a shoulder to lean on, or a listening ear in times of trouble;
I wish I could be the one to kiss your toes, sharing soft touches, tickles, and silly giggles;
I wish I could be the one making love with you in the moonlight, time standing still….tender kisses….gentle words….then waking up in your arms to the dancing of the morning sun;
I wish I could be the one to hold your heart, precious and dear, close to mine;
I wish I could be the one granted the freedom to love you like no other;
If only I could be this one, would be the luckiest lady in the whole wide world!
Written for Darrel C. L. Koehl ~Jackie Rioux April 14, 2000
9 Comments

Janet Wyatt: Precious soul.

Amy Richards: Beautiful Jackie! Soooo sorry for your loss When did he pass? I can relate to wanting to join him as it took me years to stop wanting to join our daughter, Jenny! We had a soul connection, as well as mother daughter and great pals… we took a lot of Spiritual classes together and her great sense of humor I miss so much! She had an incredible singing voice, a degree in music and she was a great songwriter, like Amy Jo and her dad and brother. Love you, Jackie!

Jackie N. Rioux: Amy Richards I was just on a practitioner call a few days ago and some of the discussion was about passed loved ones and that they are among us, just not in a physical body. They are our spirit guides now. That was comforting to hear. I know Jenny is a beautiful soul too. I have just come to understand that this human experience is only a blip of our soul’s journey and some just go to their next soul mission before the rest of us.

Amy Richards: Jackie N. Rioux I think so too… sand it’s the only comfort I get upon losing my loved ones!

Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: Dear dear Jackie, remember how we have talked many times , how our darkest hours become our finest blessings. You are really getting it now. Beautiful heartfelt writing about unconditional love. This is some of the finest writing ever. So very Lovely! Hugs !

Myhrr Moffat: Beautiful poem

Stacey Little Paydar: Jackie, this is so amazing!! And beautiful! I totally understand.

Lisa C. Anderson: ❤ Beautiful.

December 1 2021: Jackie N. Rioux: Lots of bittersweet tears this morning. I got a “message” from Darrel Koehl , and he sent flowers. He also thanked me for loving him so unconditionally, accepting him as he is…. as I always have.
(I made a cross stitch for him years ago that said “I love you just the way you are”).
Our last earthly conversation he said he knew I was different. Yup.

December 1 2021
That was such a special letter you wrote about knowing a friend that you knew you loved before and that he passed away. it touch my heart.
My sincere belief and understanding from my relationship with Heaven Father, heavenly mother, and the Lord Jesus Christ, you will have him forever in eternity. That of course is not much of a consolation now. But you can ask his spirit to be by you often. He will come. It was sincerely sweet and moving what you wrote. Thank you for sharing with me.
…… It’s hard not to fully have those we deeply love and adore. But we came here to have experiences and the ones we have usually are hard and difficult in this life, for our growth.
Thank you for the love you put into the world thru your work.
Stacey
Much love and blessing

December 1 2021
I lost my soul mate 2 months ago. I put together a page in my site of resources that have helped me. Maybe something here might be helpful to you as well. https://ladybugwellness.ca/managing-grief/
Resources for Managing Grief | Ladybug Wellness

Linda Rasmussen: Jackie N. Rioux thanks. So sorry for your loss.

Robin Peterson Bair: Jackie N. Rioux. Thank You for sharing your resources so willingly. I am very sorry for your loss Jackie. You are such an amazing woman. God Bless.

Jackie N. Rioux shared a memory. Andy passed.
December 14 2021
7 years… I remember in January 2015, in a chat with Darrel Koehl I was the one who told him Andy had passed. Now Darrel has passed too. Both my spirit guides now along with Larry.
Death is only a doorway and the veil is thin…..

Jackie N. Rioux shared a memory.
DecembtetSrfpio 14a,s 220o21d1 •
Shared with Public
7 years… I remember in January 2015, in a chat with Darrel Koehl I was the one who told him Andy had passed. Now Darrel has passed too. Both my spirit guides now along with Larry.
Death is only a doorway and the veil is thin…..
7 Years Ago
Jackie N. Rioux is with Kerry Palagian.
December 14 2014
Andrew Senger my heart is ripping out realizing you are gone… my special friend, my guardian angel… You have always had a genuine love for others, a shining light to so many who knew you.

Jackie N. Rioux
December 15 2021
If you watch one thing today, watch THIS. OMG!!
More and more, all my conversations the last several years with Darrel Koehl make so much sense now. This is why I keep hearing him say “You set me free”. He is so happy and free now:

She Died Suddenly & Met God, What He Told Her About Energy Will Shock You | NDE
Penny Wittbrodt’s Near Death Experience (NDE) and how she got out of the void.
God showed her a future event with her grandson, taught her the power of thoughts, and why forgiveness is so important. This is her NDE testimony. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLJ4V7O6KhI

9 Comments
Jackie N. Rioux: Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins watch this!!! OMG!!
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: Jackie N. Rioux ok, I will
Jackie N. Rioux: Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins I remember a conversation recently about sacrifice. Now that makes sense too.
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins:Jackie N. Rioux yea, resembles my near death experience too, and many of the things I too shared in your 1st reading were shared here too
Jackie N. Rioux
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins Yes all your readings with me are definitely making more sense now too, especially about Darrel

Lena Freeman: Thank you for the reminder, Jackie!

Jad Chamcham: I am not crying, nope. Great video
Jackie N. Rioux: Jad Chamcham you know its soul talk when tears flow

Janet Riganti: Wonderful and so detailed!

Jackie N. Rioux
December 15 2021
Fascinating
Why He No Longer has Faith After His Near Death Experience
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8o2rcWldWk
Peter Panagore talks about his NDE (near death experience) and how it changed him forever. This is his testimony. 7 Comments
Muriel Alyssia: similar to all accounts I have read
Jackie N. Rioux: Yup. And now with my recent loss I know beyond a doubt this is all confirmed. He is so happy to be free now.
Muriel Alyssia: Jackie N. Rioux I am sure he is.
My niece told me when she was five that she wanted to go to heaven. I didn’t understand then, but as a baby her heart often stopped, she had one of those monitors.. she told me that when she was ‘done’, Jesus had her in his arms. I wish I had understood and asked her more, but I thought she was telling me she was suicidal and panicked. Now I understand what she was trying to tell me. My dogs convinced me long ago and I look forward to going home and seeing them again.
Jackie N. Rioux: Muriel Alyssia it is downright freaky what I now realize after my loved ones passed. Our souls were talking all along. All our conversations make sense now. Yup I look forward to seeing them again. But I also know they are right here with me always.
Muriel Alyssia: Jackie N. Rioux exactly. My girls have taught me so much via communications.
Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins: Jackie N. Rioux you set me free
Jackie N. Rioux: Barbara Loutzenhiser Goggins I know, I keep hearing his voice in my head. So happy and free now.

Jackie N. Rioux to Darrel Koehl
March 11 2022
Darrel Koehl: Thank you for the messages the other day. I know you’re always around me. I’ll love you for eternity.

Poem shared from John Roedel grief collection:
Hey God. Hey John.
death is the wildfire
that rips through
the forest of our life
it scorches the ground
it chars the rocks
it engulfs the trees
death is the fire
that comes to consume
everything
~ but it can’t
because after the fire is gone
there is always a miracle waiting
under the ashes of what our lives
used to look like
~ and the miracle is called grief…….

Werner (Lou) Haselmeyer
March 11 1939 – September 20 2014

This is an opportunity for you, the reader, to see a deeply personal past area of my life. To see a bit of what I endured and overcame of my own past. This is not shared for sympathy. This is shared as an opportunity for you to find encouragement and inspiration to apply to your own life. I ask that through reading this that you do not hold judgments against my father as he is now passed. This life journey with him is completed. Let’s move forward with the lessons learned so we can assist others in their soul journeys.

In an energy clearing session I had with a very intuitive practitioner in November of 2017, my father unexpectedly came through with a message offering an apology for all I endured in this life because of him. He also “extended a hand of friendship”. I would like accept that offer and to allow him to rest in Peace.

Tribute video made by my son Jared Rioux: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VH5o8boefo

*********************************************************************

Introduction to these final words:

The relationship I had with my father was contentious all along. He was totalitarian, it was his way or no way, and hell to pay if I ever crossed him. I was expected to clean the kitchen “with a toothbrush” as punishment, or whatever other struggle he chose for me to endure. I was the eldest of four girls, jokingly raised as the babysitter. Since I didn’t have brothers I got to stack wood and learn many of the “tougher” chores, which was actually more of a benefit than I realized at the time.

If you know my published story, you know that my father crossed a line that no father should cross in his attempts to teach me. Despite all this, I am sharing my final words with him in hopes that this will encourage others to speak their own truths and to stand up to adversity, and to grow from their own experiences in their own way.

Through my own personal growth and soul journey, I have learned that we choose our parents, our life lessons, and our soul journey evolution long before we are physically conceived into this human body. Although the experiences I have been through with my father were for the most part harsh, I am thankful for the gifts he gave me in showing up as a soul mentor in this life. These experiences are now my gift in serving others as my soul purpose intended.

My father controlled me well into my 30s. But he also disowned me a few times once I matured and stood up to him. He didn’t like being told that he was the adult and I was the child when I called him out on him crossing boundaries with me. I had no contact with my father from March of 2004 until May of 2012. He had blamed me completely for the failure of my second marriage in 2004, and I did not see him again until May of 2012 when my sister got married. I doubt anyone was the wiser or realized this family rift as I MC’d her wedding with my father taking the floor several times as well.

It was shortly after the wedding that my father fell sick. With my sister’s pleading request, I did some distance energy healing for my father and he seemed to pull through. He kept in touch via email and thanked me for my prayers for his continued health, yet he berated me for my involvement with energy healing as well because it was not in line with his values. He quoted scripture constantly, picking and choosing ways to justify his judgments of me.

Although my father was apprehensive of social media, he finally got on Facebook. Then his judgments of me took another turn in that he was mad that I did not acknowledge him publicly as my father. That was a technical issue he didn’t understand but his emails and comments invoked me to make some public posts on social media. First, he went through my posts and picked apart and judged me for anything there. Again, more misunderstandings. I usually don’t post “drama” and family issues on social media, but this was one case where I did and I let it all hang out. I remember walking into work the next day and feeling all the looks from others who finally understood my background. I received many private messages praising my bravery to speak up publicly, and with sympathies for my past experiences. I did not write or share any of this for sympathy! I share to encourage others to stand up for themselves. If I can overcome my past, you can too!

My father passed away 3 weeks after this public exchange. He was living in Mexico so I had only seen him at the wedding two years prior. I can tell you from my own experience, that it does not matter what the relationship was with our parents, when they pass away, it hurts. They have been our teachers and our roots. And yes I cried, profusely, in the realization that my soul journey with my earthly father was now done in this life.
As you can see from these writings, I had many more realizations after he passed. I am at peace with all my previous experiences now, yet I know my story can be an encouragement to others. So with that in mind, I share the final words with my father…
All of my father’s broken English and grammar has been left intact in these posts. Thank you to all my friends who also commented on these posts.

********************************************

Final Words with my Father:

Meme posted on my social media timeline: “Be Careful who you share your weaknesses with. Some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against you”.

August 30 2014: Lou Haselmeyer known that for 30 years

Jackie N. Rioux Only 30 years? I figured that out when I was in grade school. Unfortunately I still try to see the good in people. It takes a while to turn weaknesses into your greatest strengths… Then when things get turned on you, no one important will believe it…

August 31 2014: Jackie N. Rioux I deleted a comment here yesterday, but I have decided it should stay here… so…
Lou wrote: “then you say, I am not important? first you forget to say so, that your my daughter, now I HAVE TO CONFIRM it? Yes sir, very cool, and my comment about rhetoric’s is true, yes? bless you girl.”

September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer well , now, how long are we to keep this laundromat open? You deleted it because you got VERY mad that i told you the truth, then you returned it, because you think it would make mending easy. Did you not say one time that actions speak louder then words? Did i not tell you that according the biblical scripture, you do things not according to GOD’s word? did you not tell me that you believe in the bible? do you now recant?

September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer Jackie, i do nor write all this because i want to make you feel bad, not by a long shot. I wish for you to WAKE UP to the scripture, as you told me you believe in. There is no mistake, believe me, when i say to you, that i love you, but i will not make compromises with regards to the bible. You want to be successful with your business, but that is not scriptural. Jackie, maybe this is a inspired warning, you have , but a moment of time to sit “ON” a picked fence. Time is short, you must choose. I, for one, will keep you in my prayers. Read in my F/B about repentence and you will see, I will pray that GOD will have mercy on all of us May you have GOD’s blessings

September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer the point here is that now that I AM NOT YOUR FATHER?, you dont have respect enough to say “my father said” – – –

Jackie N. Rioux I’m thinking you should be looking at yourself rather than calling the kettle black here. You want acknowledgement that you are my father???? Ok… Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!!!

Jared Rioux Lou, no matter how hard you pray or how much you repent, even god himself cannot forgive you for what you did to my family.

Jackie N. Rioux Well actually God can forgive… Christ’s last words on the cross were “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do”

Deborah Wallace Jackie, just keep being true to yourself. Don’t let him get to you.

Jackie N. Rioux He doesn’t get to me… That’s why I am able to make the post I did and just put it all out there. I’m done with accusations and assumptions

Deborah Wallace You’re a strong woman

Jackie N Rioux:
September 1 2014 My apologies to those who might be shocked or offended, but my father is demanding acknowledgement that he is my father thru email and FB comments. This is the email received a couple days ago:

“Jackie, I don’t remember when it was that i received the last e-mail from you, but it was very disappointing, to say the least. Do you know why? I only remember that the contend was 3 words. It shocked me, thinking that you had no interest to continue our e-mail exchange. I have been constantly thinking why only 3 letters. Then, today, i went down (i never did before) your time line, and again you shocked me.
Your birth is shown that you were born ONLY BY YOUR MOM, (Helen Burnett Haselmeyer) MY EX-WIFE, WITH OUT MY ADDING TO IT. (how old are you and when did the BURNETT come into the picture) I had half way antisipated to take a trip north, but it seems to me that i am not welcome any more. It is also indicated that i would do some PREACHING (to whom i don’t know and do you remember that you placed in face book about the worth of friends) that Bill imply s. In the last few days i have looked at a lot of comments that were made in face book, and it boggles my mind to think that all the rhetoric, comments and reply’s coming from sane people. (please don’t get insulted over my saying so)
Jackie, do not think for a minute that i concider me to be a looser, far from it. ( I am well accomplished here) I own a very large home here and no payments (according to local standards) I am well respected here in the family, have accumulated a fair amount of tools and costly electronics (as i had before) and do my own carpentry and build my own furniture.
Yes, I have done well, however, I did not have the strength to do it by myself, the glory for my accomplishments belong to JESUS CHRIST and as you well know, Jesus has given me a new lease on life and i have dedicated my ways to HIS service. It also shows that many replys you made are not christian like.
Jackie, you will always be in my thoughts and i pray that you stay healthy and vibrant along with all of your family. Blessings to you and all your loves ones, your DAD.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world–“

Jackie N. Rioux http://books.google.ca/books?id=0QHGjx8le6oC&pg=PA45… Emotional abuse checklist…

Jackie N. Rioux My reply in comments section… I hope you feel better after your little rant with your judgments and assumptions of me, yet again. For someone who swore they would never go on Facebook, and for someone who has disowned me for 8 years of my life, it seems to be awfully important to you for me to acknowledge on Facebook that you are indeed my biological father and ‘important’. So yes I will acknowledge that you apparently were there at the time of my conception at a forestry lookout in Smithers BC in the fall of 1966. Thank you for giving me life. As for the title of father, you have always demanded respect thru your totalitarian parenting. I respect the fact that you gave me life but beyond that, respect is earned, not given and that is where I have serious issues with the title of FATHER and acknowledging that I am your daughter. Biologically yes, but “daddy’s little girl” is a term that still sends chills down my spine. A father is someone who is supposed to honor their wife as mother of their children, and protect the family, particularly daughters from abuses so prevalent in this world. Through my childhood we went to church on Sundays and appeared to be the perfect little family. Behind closed doors was quite different and it is only because of my Grandma Burnett and my ‘other mom’ Marj that my Christian beliefs were not completely tarnished beyond repair. You seem to have taken up a extreme sense of religion since you came back from the edge of death a couple years ago. That is great in many ways, but I do not appreciate your judgments of my faith that have been quite evident in your emails to me. You obviously have no idea of my journey in life.
Facebook is a public forum social network where people post whatever they would like to share with the world. There is a variety of people who post inspiration, life events, accomplishments and good things. Some vent their dirty laundry, rants, and drama. I tend to avoid the latter negativity. You said you checked out my timeline and was shocked at my posts, the comments etc and said some things were not very Christian. You are entitled to your opinion, my apologies for not being what you expect of me. You seem to like that post about be careful who you share your weaknesses with because people will use it against you. What I have learned in life is that when you expose your greatest weaknesses and turn them into strengths, your enemies have no grounds to hurt you. The bible says that Light will always expose the darkness. Sin will always find its way out and yet truth will always prevail.
So for you, Dear Daddy, I will expose my greatest weakness and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe then you will finally understand why I am the way I am and how YOU were instrumental in shaping my character. I am sending you a private email with more details than what I will share here because I have been told that the content is “f***ing disturbing” by those who have read it and I do not want to illicit pity for what I have endured. I am a SURVIVOR, not a victim. I am THANKFUL for all my experiences in life because each experience has taught me virtues and shaped my character in ways that would not be possible otherwise.
A father is supposed to protect me from all harm so I have had a tough go through life understanding my childhood traumas. After two failed marriages and many trials in life, I took psychology classes and read lots of books to try to make sense of my experiences and to understand WHY ME? I was SIX YEARS OLD when a 16 year old native boy came to live with us for the summer. We had taken in many boarders in the 70’s but this one was different. His word was believed over mine when I was found in his room once and no one noticed the nightly horrors a little girl was hiding because of the threats of him killing her parents if anyone was told. Then there were the dead squirrels, the mountain hikes with him, and the shotgun pointed at me. It is only the last few years that I have been able to face those traumas by going into the forests without reliving the times I was abandoned or tied up. I even shot a gun recently.

Jackie N. Rioux  It was several years later in school that we saw films that most kids giggled at while I sat in absolute terror thinking I would be pregnant. It was then that I had to tell my father about my experience with that boy. You were so mad you wanted to kill him for violating your little girl yet it was still not quite believed that it actually happened and he was long gone anyway. The nightmares of his threats continued well into my adult life. I always thought this experience was what damaged me the most. Sexual abuse violates a child to the very core of their being, on physical, emotional and spiritual levels. It is the worst shame to carry. A child with such low self esteem and self worth is like a wounded chicken in the coop of life and is targeted as victim. I didn’t have many friends. I was bullied and picked on in school. I told a few kids of my trauma and the cruel ones used it against me. Survival of the fittest is a process of natural selection in the animal kingdom. Sometimes I wondered if the ‘undesirables’ like me were killed off that society might be a better place. My father always told me he was available to talk any time, he would always be there for me. Unfortunately when I was barely a teenager that availability and teaching was taken over a boundary line that a father should never cross. I was his confidante and was told many things about my mother and marital issues that a daughter should never hear. This ruined the chances of ever being close with my mother. I came to dread her working evenings as my ‘learning’ progressed. There were two other experiences with adult men, neighbors, before I was 16 years old. By then I learned my purpose in life was just to be an object to satisfy the pleasures of creepy men. I wanted to escape this sheltered childhood so the first boy that came along and told me I was pretty seemed like a good escape plan to save me. It was frying pan into fire with a teen pregnancy. I remember the lecture I received on how I embarrassed my father and tarnished my reputation of Daddy’s little girl to all his friends and coworkers. I got married to do the ‘right thing’, and had 3 more kids before I realized this marriage was doomed to fail. My husband got so drunk on our wedding night that we had a big fight and he slept on the couch. That should have been a red flag, but I was determined to make it work with someone who was neglectful and inattentive to anything a marriage or wife needs. He knew about the first trauma and still accepted me– thankfully because in some cultures violated women aren’t fit for marriage. When my husband asked why I was ‘so good with my hands’, the reply “my father taught me” didn’t go over well. My in-laws sent me for counseling and by statute of limitations I could have sent my father to jail. I didn’t want to relive anything in court so I didn’t do anything. Counselors reported the abuse, my father blamed me for the exposure of our little secret and said that I had a big mouth, I should have kept quiet rather than cause all the embarrassment. My father ruled our home with fear, threats and violent outbursts. He became a closet alcoholic and began hitting my sisters after I moved out and he lost his confidante. I was scared of him well into my 20’s. Well, until my baby sister stood up to him and ran away. My sister Danya was wearing braces and glasses when he slapped her hard for her defiant attitude and slamming a door. It was then that I stood up to him and we had a confrontation. He blamed me again for the embarrassment he suffered from the exposure of our secret. I told him he was the adult, I wasn’t. He disowned me for 6 months and also blamed me for the breakup of my marriage. When my second marriage failed, yet again I was blamed for ruining someone else’s life. I stood up to him again and told him to “F*** off”. That is disrespectful to a parent and he disowned me for 8 years without ever listening to my reasons for ending that marriage. When he questioned my daughter as to why she avoided letting him take his great granddaughter overnight, she was told “your mother wanted it” and she was disowned as well. I learned to lean on myself with very little outside support as I am the oldest sibling and didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to. I am thankful for those friends who were instrumental in helping me getting thru some rough times and battered self esteem. When one marriage fails, it is easy to blame someone else. When a second marriage fails, it’s time to look in the mirror. I stayed away from men for over 5 years and tried to heal myself. A book I read that helped me more than any counselor ever did was “Secret Survivors” by Sue E Blume, written for incest/sexual abuse survivors.

Jackie N. Rioux
When my sister got married in 2012, I dreaded seeing my father but told my kids to respect my sister’s wedding day. The day went off well and I am sure no one realized the rift between my father and I. At the rehearsal he asked to talk to me, which surprised a few people who knew of the past. We didn’t get a chance to talk with the busyness of the event. I figured he was trying to make amends in his last days. My intuition was confirmed a few weeks later when I learned that my father had pancreatitis, a result of his drinking. I had always wondered how I would react to bad news about him. I bawled my eyes out for 2 days straight. When I pulled myself together, I used my energy work skills to work on him through distance. I call it high powered prayers. He had been at 8% life yet pulled through. God only knows if it was because of any of my efforts, or just the collective prayers of those around him. When he called a month later, that was the first time we spoke in years. He thanked me for prayers. The emails between us had been sporadic. Slowly I realized his judgments, self righteousness, and expectations are all still there, only more amplified in his own ‘salvation’ which I wonder if that is genuine because he doesn’t seem much different to me than the ogre I knew from my childhood. He still carries seething resentment towards my mother, and judgments towards me. A true Christian should be more accepting, forgiving and non judgmental?? When he was feeling better he accused me that my energy work was not Christian based. No, it is not any religion based actually, it is ENERGY. But, if Christians believe we were created, then energy is creation as well, and so is quantum physics.
So Daddy Dearest, there is my greatest weakness all exposed for everyone to see. You wanted confirmation and acknowledgment on Facebook, so there you go. Thank you for giving me life and thank you for your lack of protection of my childhood innocence. Thank you also for your contributions in also being instrumental in violating my childhood innocence in the name of teaching me. This is not sarcasm, this is sincerity and openness. I forgave you a long time ago for ‘hurting’ me. It took me a long time to forgive the hate and resentment I blamed you for in my poor choices in men and relationships. I blamed you for my trust issues, dysfunctional boundaries, and my distorted views of love, intimacy, respect and honor. I have had to find my inner strength to stand up for myself because I have never known what it is like to have the comfort and protection that a ‘man’/father is supposed to provide. Without these experiences to shape my life, I would not be where I am today. I learned that you also have had your own childhood traumas. It is not my place to judge your life journey or ask why you didn’t deal with your inner demons of abuse rather than perpetuating the cycle and affecting me as well. Or why you continue to find faults in me. Everything happens for a reason in the tapestry of life. Biologically you are my father, but we have different journeys in life. Parents are only ‘needed’ early in life to shape our character. After that it is up to individuals to find their own life purpose. Through my experiences I learned compassion, I learned to recognize the signs of abuse and I learned how to overcome obstacles in life. I learned to let go of fear so that nothing stands in the way of my determination. The one thing that I am proud of is that I never turned to alcohol, drugs or meds to numb the inner anguish I felt. (Mainly because I had four children to raise alone and protect). My courage and confidence is all real and all mine. It does not come from a can or a bottle! I also learned that the life skills I have now through my energy work are instrumental in helping others through their life traumas. I know this because I have managed to heal my own traumas to the point that I can talk freely about my experiences without it controlling and upsetting me.
Now, to address some of your concerns you expressed in your email this time and previously, my Facebook posts are reflective of whatever I am feeling like sharing with the world at any given time. I share pics of family and adventures, I vent and I try to inspire those who choose to see my posts. Sometimes my posts are full of sarcasm depending on whatever I am feeling or going through. They are not meant to be taken personally by any one person. You are entitled to your judgment that some things may not be Christian in your views. I am entitled to post whatever I damn well feel like. I have told you several times before that my faith is none of your business. Religion is for those who fear hell, spirituality is for those who have been there. I have been there. I wonder if you have any idea what confusion I have gone through in my life trying to comprehend a Heavenly Father who might protect and comfort me the way my earthly father had failed me. I thought of myself as undesirable, unwanted and dirty, how could even God want something so violated as me. Now I know that it is this faith and acceptance that is the only thing that allows me to hold my head up and let go of the shame I carried for so many years. If the posts lately are of concern, it may be reflective of personal things I am going thru right now in abruptly losing a two year ‘friendship’ 6 weeks ago when my ‘companion’ got bored of me. I am coming to terms with the fact that I chose to be in an emotionally degrading ‘relationship’ of sorts that did not acknowledge, respect or honor me in any way. I am still learning my lessons obviously. And I’m bracing for your judgments of me there again.
I actually do not use email that much as most of Facebook keeps me in touch with everyone so I don’t understand why you are so upset and thinking I didn’t want to continue emails. The 3 words were an acknowledgment of what you sent me and I didn’t get around to writing again. Simple. If you have been keeping up with my Facebook posts, you might notice I like to keep fairly busy. Honestly, each time I have replied to your emails I feel like all I am doing is trying to explain misunderstandings and defend myself to your assumptions and judgments.
If you choose to come to Canada to visit, that is your choice. I am mature enough to be pleasant, just like at Danya’s wedding but please do not expect me to be the ‘Daddy’s little girl’ you seem to expect. As well, my children have not reached a point in life to be quite as forgiving as me, so please don’t expect an open arms welcome from them.

Debbie Kinton Love you, Chipmunk ❤❤❤

Ingrid Michaud Thank you for your words Jackie, they are inspiration to those who go through a journey to overcome difficult times during their lives. My hat is off to you. You are brave women who has come a long way.

Nadine Plouffe Jackie…you are so strong and have come a long way…very impressive to overcome all you have and be such an amazing person…you have done the right thing..in my opinion…answer to nobody and don’t ever feel you need to explain, defend or justify yourself to anyone…bottom line…to be happy and satisfied with yourself is ALL anyone needs in life…and being there and being positive for others as well…is just a cherry on top…
You go girl ❤ very inspirational!! You are stronger than most!

Charlene Ross love

Gordon Schultz-Hill If I was where you are the only think I could think of doing would be to give you a hug! You are the smartest woman I know and respect your drive to learn! I love the fact that you look at life and stare it down no matter what it may bring! Keep fighting the good fight and true to what you have learned, one day at a time my friend!

Andrea Storti Wow, that really f*cking sucks – sorry! Makes me want to hug my kids! Xo

Jared Rioux Well now I understand why all my sisters hated my grandfather so much.. I have been in the dark about the whispers of abuse in our family that had happened many years ago.

Lou Haselmeyer there is enough laundry on the line and if you wish, leave it there i do not mind the truth , neither do i falsify it. All of you that think you KNOW??? think again, there are always 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the TRUTH. MY COMMENT? the greater the benefits, the more lie’s.

Nadine Plouffe Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions in live…those who realize them..are strong…however…those who have been affected by your bad decision and mistakes…yet pick themselves up..are even STRONGER!!!
What Jackie has posted is a very hard thing to admit…let alone post and I have never known her to lie!!!!!
That being said..yes there is always more than 1 side to every story…but when truth is told…that is when the accused never seems to have a rebuttal…hmmmmm
Admit when you’re wrong…and stand up for yourself when you are right…. the higher power will then prevail…living in lies…karma will come back on you….just saying! (even though this is none of my business…it was publicly posted…and I believe in being there for those who I know would be there for me)

Jackie N. Rioux: In the last few hours I have received several private messages from people who knew me in childhood… Oh and I do need to add here, there were several kids who picked on me in school… as adults we have become friends and made amends. Anyway, these people who knew me back then, or knew my family… many of them already ‘knew’ something was not right and now they have confirmation of all their suspicions.

Gordon Schultz-Hill I am sorry that things like that happened to you but I am glad that it made you the person you are today! You are welcome to talk with me any time you wish, I hope you know that.

Jackie N. Rioux Thanks Gord, I know and thank u. I am very fortunate these days to have quite an amazing bunch of friends. Truly blessed that way

Rebecca Marie Simms Hugs! Know that you are loved! Be You. The world will adjust.

Karla Woeste Hmm, now I understand why you always seemed to looked “haunted” in school. That said, I always knew there was a core of steel, it just had to be tempered some more. You are amazing, never let anyone tell you otherwise!

Betty Hoff (((HUGS))) my friend Jackie, always stay strong and change for nobody ❤

Jackie N. Rioux Ahahahaha.. haunted. I love it! Oh boy Karla, there’s lots I didn’t say here. Yes, haunted is a very good description of me back then. Now I look haunted for different reasons in that I only get pushed so far before I speak up for me and everyone around me. I am quite surprised at all the messages I have received. Yes people seemed to know. I really opened a can of worms here but that seems to be quite a good thing in what I have apparently inspired in a few people today. Just to be sure here, so everyone knows… These things do not hurt me anymore, this post was mainly to show that anything is possible, and anything can be overcome.

Dana Leanne Marshall Jackie I’m so sorry you endured such horrifying abuse. You are a beautiful soul and always seem so strong and together:) it makes me sick to think of a child being hurt:( keep being the amazing person you are and so strong! Never give up!!! Xo

Jackie N. Rioux I’m strong now because I have been weak. Fave rock song lyric… Bon Jovi: Take my hand we’ll make it I swear living on a prayer… That’s in my website

Lou Haselmeyer I just like to add that you should have written a book of your life, you would have made more money then you making now.

Jackie N. Rioux I have actually had the book idea suggested several times. Maybe one day I’ll write memoirs. I’m just not sure what all to put in it, what details…. I’ve had some pretty crazy stuff in my life, both good and bad, there’s lots in my website to read tho

Rob Smart Just keep being the wonderful person you are that I am proud to call my friend… And leave my ass out of any books you write….

Jackie N. Rioux Ha ha Rob… No stories of you harassing me and your sis on your mountain bike? Or… Oh ya.. that dressy pic… Ohhh… Lol that’s already on Facebook. U have no more secrets lol

Rob Smart You suck…. Lol

Debby Loset Holy crap, Jackie! I’ve always admired how strong you are but now I admire you even more after getting a glimpse into some pretty horrific things you endured as a child! I can’t even imagine! Our experiences–good and bad–make us who we are. I for one am very grateful for your ability to help me at times with comments and encouragement. Thank you for being the strong, encouraging friend that you are and please know how much you are appreciated!

Lou Haselmeyer Jackie, you did the same thing that your mother did. YOU KEPT SECRETS, Lets face it what it is your telling me, YOU KEPT SECRETS AND NOW I AM THE CULPRIT? THAT YOU GOT RAPED?????? I have no interest guessing yes or no. THAT SECRET IS THE SAME AS YOUR MOTHERS. I was told about it by a friend and it was hid from me for more then 35 years. It was a lie, that was never talked about. It is no wonder that the family life you experienced, turned out to be a disaster for you. (your mother argued every chance she got) Try as i wanted i could do nothing right. But that is what secrets bring about. The full impact of your situation, is NOW MADE KNOWN TO ME, way after the fact. your complains about your up-bringing. I am supposed to protect you from what i dint know. (YOUR MOTHER SAID THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME , YOU DONT UNDERSTAND) yes i admit, many mistakes were made. but look for a marriage manual, did you have one for your failed ones? I admit that i knew of the boy not leaving you alone, but what you tell now, in detail, leaves me speechless. I DID NOT KNOW When you had this feeling about me, why was it that you came to me with “girl things” to explain? Mother dont talk about it -you said. Remember the book from Grand mother? She did not want you to read the book? Did you know that your mother openly admitted , she dont trust me? OH mother dont care. Your timeline indicated that you made changes to “your birthing” and that I NEEDED TO CONFIRM TO BE DADDY. No, i did not ask for confirmation, you did. So, Jackie, dont turn words around and use them against me. OK, for you, i admit that i screwed up, monumentally, period. Try to understand (you said that you know psychology) According to you, i have done you terrible, that you lived in fear, now after all this time you come out that you could have put me in jail. I was reported by your mother, and the letter i found, made me aware of what was going on. Had you been right with what you say, I would not be in Mexico right now.( Now that you think your secrets comes out , I have to be part of your accusation? Now i became aware why Chantele did not want me to baby sit.( One more open secret) It is your word in your family. Yes it is easy for others to take you case, But you experience with the boy , lays heavy on me. what did you tell earlier? you knew in grade school that something was wrong in the family? Well then, Jackie, That you cared for me when i was in the hospital, i am immensely thank full., however for you to think that i degraded you in your believes, regarding the bible, read it again, For whatever it means to you, mistakes, secrets, problems, you have made it clear how you feel. NO i do not fake my believes in Christ Jesus. To late to say that i am sorry the way it all turned out. All readers of all this writing can choose to beleave as they will. It is said that mistakes are human, the more mistakes one makes ,the more human one gets to be. I am human and i made mistakes.

Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. First of all, I forgive you for everything. I dealt with my past. Secondly, if you would really like to understand abuses, particularly sexual abuse and even the affects of alcoholism, I suggest you find and read that Secret Survivors book. It will help you make sense of all of this, and even your own past. Thirdly, I am hoping you read the private email in its entirety, particularly the part about YOU, which actually affected me more than the horrors with that boy, even though the experiences with you are not quite as ‘bad’ physically, they were more damaging emotionally.
I have much more to say but it is getting late. This has been a semi public post and I made it that way not only to bring some understanding and closure to our family issue, but to let others read something that is far too common in our society and give others hope that they too can heal and make amends. I was not asking for sympathies for things I endured as they do not cause me grief anymore. I am also not asking anyone to judge you harshly, because now that secrets are out in the open they can be healed. I will write a reply to your concerns and post it tomorrow evening after work. For now, get some rest, and know that everything happens for a reason and for those who believe in God (because I also respect those who chose not to) know that HE is in control. Romans 8:28… all things work for good for those who believe (my paraphrase)

Lou Haselmeyer Yes, Jackie, you are a accomplished and a flawless writer and you have a lot of admirers. I have admitted to have made a lot of mistakes, as you did. Your e-mail did not tell much more, other then you telling of your experience with 2 other boys. Me? I have done nothing other then what i have grown up with. Was i hard on you girls? in retrospect, now i can say, YES.I was to protect you? do something i had no idea of what it was. you say “teaching”? that makes the mind go wild. With all the stuff you went through at 16 yo ultimately had a choice. you keep on crying about you. Did ever occur to you how i felt? Having a wife neglecting to do her duty? you coming to me for info on “girl things”, a grand mother interfering all the time? do you really think your the only one affected because of a miserable partnership? Do you really think i had sound full sleeps at night? Yes this is the mistake i made(of which i was unaware) and made you girls pay for it. I fell asleep many nights crying and thinking why your mother was so unfeeling. My big mistake was not knowing about the secrets (blame on me?) You tell your story flawlessly, but dont think that your the only one that got the knife where it hurts. You forgive me? it is easy to make comments here (nobody looking into your eyes) but only GOD knows our hearts and we each have to stand up for what we did in our lives. OK, no more comments on this subject.

Jackie N. Rioux There will be more comments here. We are not done until we are both in agreement that our ‘conflict’ has been resolved and healed. I have a response to your concerns, but I just got home from work, I’m tired and would like to take some time to formulate a response. I also have some more points to make in a general sense that I feel will help in the understanding process, especially for those reading along. I will post separately or also post in my Ladybug Wellness fan page.

Cheryl Miller I remember Jackie and yes u r an amazing women hugs to u girl xo

Lou Haselmeyer I will reply to your e-mail. In your post you made some hidden accusation of me doing harm to Tammy and others, because YOU DID NOT KNOW, WHY. In your last post you made the statement that I Possibly have not dealt with the past? I DID. But you had to dig up the dung pile. Why do you think I left Canada? To go to Mexico? Live there? It was very convenient NOT to say anything about very important issues. Why? Because it would make your readers think differently about you. All your readers encouraged you? They just read a hot story, and possibly, are bemused by it. Am I taken this all seriously?? You can be assured of it.
You talk about Tammy being mistreated? As you know with her dyslexia she is very possessive and did not want to give the chocolate back. When Chantelle was born, who took care of her? ME! Did you mind? NO, did you ever make a remark about me being a bad dad? NO! Several times I commented on your REIKI stuff, You needed to defend it as it is you way to make money. Do you forget that whatever you have or are, learned, posses, or do, the strength to do so, are all gifts from God. You made remarks as to how I treated your sister.
Did you ever bother why I had a problem with NOLA? NO? let me tell you ,one day before Nola came back from school I went to her room, to take some washing down, (I think that’s what it was) and when entering I was greeted by an very unpleasant smell, but that was only part of it. The carpet was covered with MAGGOTS, you get this right? MAGGOTS !! That is when I demanded to get the room cleaned up, which she refused to do. If she did not, all her belongings would wind up in the furnace. And she was not at home for a few days. Then several days later when I came home from work, the social services were there. As well, Nola’s girlfriend mother, who believed she could tell me off. Wrong way to start the evening. I told her to shut up and get lost, and I told the social worker he could take Nola out of here. Nola was just dumb founded. So, the services did not come to my house as you said because of you, because they believed I mistreated Nola for DEMANDING to clean the room. And you think I did not have the right to it? Much later when she was in Ausy land, and she was all smiles in her communications with me until I gave her a very large sum of money and after that accusations, just as you did.
Pulling crap like this did not go over well. Later she wanted me to pay for a school trip to France. I did.
You say why I left a little girl go into the mountains with a 16 year old? You have a mother that never cared about anything. And you, you had no choice to defend yourself at 16, and I was to protect you from what I don’t know? Whatever did happen to you in your youth reflects only on what wet on before you came into the picture. It started with your mother, and as you found out she did not care about your upbringing. That is where I came in to “teach you”. YOUR MOTHER WANTE TO BARE 12 BABYS, wrap your mind around this one.
You made changes to your time line about your birthing, (you did not me) it is your time line, not mine. YOUR TIMELINE wanted me to confirm your changes. You lie about this one, saying I wanted IT. YOUR confirmation. Before you could not “run away” you got pregnant and you got trapped? No you trapped yourself. YOU FELT SO BAD ABOUT SEX THAT YOU HAD TO TRY IT? You said that for 8 years I did not talk to you? Do you remember why? NO? Melissa and friend came to visit me at the trailer and went onto my computer to talk to “sh*thead” (your words) and at this time I found out what he was like, but you believed that I was going take his side in your personal disputed. You raised the middle finger several times. (time out) Melissa never told you? She should have.
In the beginning you did not mind to take my money to buy a house and a business. You lost it all and I paid, very nice. And when you returned from ocean trip and I used my money to repair your, home RAY came off the ground several feet. Swearing at me like a trooper for helping him to renovate his home. Very thank full.
If I was as bad as you make me out to be, why then was it that you mother stayed married to me for more than 30 years? Her antics just went too far and that is when I divorced her, which she did not want. She was scared I would take away her inheritance, According to Canadian law. Did you know that she went behind my back to the bank to remove her name from the loan we had? This is the kind of character that you have inherited from her. You say you forgive me? I would love for you to say it to me in person and look me in the eyes. But the internet is a good place to hide. Not with more rhetoric’s, and making yourself sound smart because you want OTHER READERS live better lives. The way you started the ball rolling there is only one word that will describe your action. You are as vindictive as your mother, always finding a week spot to put a knife to it. After you laid bare all you stories, you forgive me. Did you forget the comment you made long time ago in my presents, in my home? YOU said “THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, (how much better??) HAD I (YOUR FATHER) GIVEN YOU MORE SPANKINGS, WHEN YOU WERE SMAL. You say that you became a strong person, because of a week past? It is hard to believe the way you went on describing the feelings you and your family has for me. You poisoned your girls with love and forgiveness, about me. Right? That is forgivness.
This will be my last post on this and my issue has been resolved, but you Jackie have opened a kettle of worms and dug a knife into healed wounds. FANTASTIC.

Jackie N. Rioux
I had sent the details in a private email because not everyone needs to know gruesome details. Thank you for posting so much… You were mad that I deleted a post before because I was ‘hiding the truth’ so I am going to leave this all here. I won’t deny it either. Yes I got pregnant on purpose to escape home, I was pretty naive and learned the hard way. Yes you did help with the house. You also got paid out when it sold. Tammy is not dyslexic, she is developmentally challenged. I dont remember saying I needed more spankings. I remember a family friend worried that you were pretty hard on me already as the oldest kid. As for everything else, people reading this know me well enough to see thru all the BS and confusing details. They have just got to see firsthand now what I have dealt with all my life. Unfortunately, you have completely missed the whole point of everything, just as I suspected you would. The fact remains that you were the parent/adult, I was the child. That is the most important issue here. YOU raised me that way! It was when I was older than I managed to learn different and deal with the after effects of everything.
All this was meant to be about you and me, not mom, not any of my sisters, although my email does mention stuff about them because it obviously affects them too. You have not dealt with your past or understood anything of the after effects of the past because you are still quite obviously a victim, still abusive and you are oblivious to it. You are writing/talking the same way you always have. Did you see my post about Emotional Abuse? You are still using all the tactics and still blaming mom and me. Mom did the best she could under all the circumstances, and if she had past traumas as well, that explains a lot too. Through all my psychology stuff I’ve have tried to see you differently but you really haven’t changed or grown from the person I knew in my childhood. Why did mom stay married to you for so long? Probably because you threatened her so many times? The unpredictable rampages? Psychologically the battered woman syndrome. I remember black eyes a few times, you pinning her and threatening if she left. Several times you told me you’d take a chain saw to the bed you built if she left you. Definition of Vindictive: having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. I do not have any desire for revenge. All I have done is to bring to your attention the things you have done that detrimentally affected me. Did you see my post on restorative justice? That does not seem to be possible with you as you continue to cast blame.

Maggie Mae I have been silently reading this, thinking about the issues being raised. I am not one of Jackie’s ‘readers’. I am her friend and I have known her and you since I was very young. I think the first time met your family I was in grade one, (35 odd years ago) when I became friends with Danya. I think the point being missed here is that as a parent and an adult, when your child came to you with sensitive questions you used her to satisfy your own sexual needs. Leave aside siblings and your relationship with Helen. That one choice is the root of all this discord. If only a genuine heartfelt apology could be made, not one tucked inside blaming others to avert blame. Yes, there are four generations of complex family dynamics surrounding this discussion, but the core violation of trust between a parent and child is the fuel for this fire. Please forgive me if I’ve over stepped. I was awake last night thinking about this, and your (Lou) most recent comment spurred me to respond.

Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. Your comment is similar to many I have received through private messages yesterday and today from so many people who have known me almost as long as you have. You haven’t overstepped… This was posted publicly and open to opinions and comments.

Lou Haselmeyer I was well on the way not to get back to you on this subject but i have to say this (and that will be the last time) The problem here was the issue about your time line. You claim to have dealt with the issue of you past, but you had to dig up this kettle of worms and it snowballed. with all said and done, you did open a lot bad stuff in my memory. you tell me that you have forgiven me? that also would means “to forget” you did not. I had forgotten the past, and i had forgiven. After my hospital stay, i had a wonderful experience, that helped me to resolve a lot of issues in my life, my past. you will never understand the meaning “OF NEW” unless it happen to you. This is what you question about me, as you pointed out. Coming back to life gives you a hole new meaning of what is of value to you. Be as it may, you will not hear from me again. you can not forget, it has shown here.

Jackie N. Rioux Forgive is one thing, forget is another especially when actions had serious repercussions.

Melissa Rioux You know, up until now, I didn’t share the vehement feelings of disgust for you that my sisters have. Don’t get me wrong, I think what you did was despicable and disgusting. But you were still ‘grandpa’ to me. After reading your self righteous diatribes and attempts to justify your actions, I am ashamed to call you family. You blamed gramma’s apparent lack of attention to you and mom’s questioning of puberty for you abusing mom…”having a wife neglecting to do her duty? you coming to me for info on ‘girl things’ ” really? REALLY??? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME??? What the hell kind of pathetic bullsh*t excuse is that??? “I’m not getting enough sex from my wife, better go get it from my child instead” That was your first thought??? Seriously?!? Not to hire a prostitute? Or have an affair? Or heaven forbid, to TALK TO YOUR WIFE about your needs?? Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU weren’t fulfilling YOUR husbandly duties and satisfying your wife or giving her the love and attention she needed? No. It’s all about you. You clearly only give a sh*t about yourself and your needs. Because if you actually gave a sh*t about your family, NOTHING would be worth the price of your child’s innocence. Whether your wife was fulfilling her duties or not. It takes a real SICK, DISGUSTING and PATHETIC man to turn to their child to fulfill the role of wife. And then attempt to justify it?? THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!! So man the f*ck up and admit your guilt WITHOUT trying to place blame on others or to justify your actions. Then maybe you’ll get yourself into heaven and all your hyper religious, judgmental, and self righteous posts won’t be complete and utter bullsh*t. You go on and on about repentance, that only truly repentant people will be entered into the Kingdom of God, and that God can see the truth of devotion in other people’s hearts. Don’t forget that he also sees into YOUR heart and he knows you that you’re not truly repentant because you don’t believe you did anything wrong. Since you love to spout wisdom about Jesus, the Bible and God.. go read up on their views on incest and molestation and know that there is a special place in hell for unrepentant pedophiles.

Lou Haselmeyer YOU BELIGERENT girl, your inflming accusations and wording only stem from what you have been told and not for what you know, you should have been the proverbial fly on the wall. If somebody at your school told you repeatedly that 2+2=5, you would get all ornery and tell everybody that is the truth. Over the years you mother was the one training you and telling you what she thought right, but it served only to create a vipers nest. And if you are making disgusting remarks about my bed room, I HAD ALL I COULD HANDLE., as well your misguided reference to substitutes , are you really bereft of all you censes? yes you have imported brain cels missing. You brainless pup think you can come up with disgusting words to make me feel bad, your not. 2 years plus, i learned to forget, and a bit later to forgive and i live that way, but you in your ignorance have no way of comprehending a change. you think you know and your judgement of me? Only GOD know, and how oft did i admit to having made monumental mistakes? you did not read this did you, you select and condemn, I knew , when i said i would not reply, that some heavy stuff was coming down, right i was.
•
Lou Haselmeyer 2014-09-04 Jackie, you live by the words from Marge, IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WORD TO COME BACK WITH – – -. And if I say I do not reply any more, I wanted to see what came afterwards. It has proven over and over you have denied your own words. However, You need to take your missy to a veterinarian to get her fangs removed, because it showed the truth of what I said
Do you know what is the most puzzling thing here in all the word-exchange? After you say you have dealt with the past have forgiven me? YOU DID NOT HAVE THE GUSTRNOMICAL FORTETUDE TO MAKE ACCUSATION BEFORE THIS TIME. It took you more than 50 years to think this all up. Your girls are worce then you, there hissing is terrible, but of no hurt. The longer this keeps up, the more you get from the cesspool. Keep it up, you will have your satisfaction .
As you can see, FORGIVING AND FORGETTING BELONG TOGETHER, and now it is honestly up to you to think differently, but you’re not giving it up because you have to prove you are superior, or better, or right. As I have told you, I am living my experience, but that is something you cannot accept. If you were to live what you preach, you would not have done what you did. Jackie, now it is my turn to say, I forgive you, but be honest with yourself. Quit, using some body else’s smarts that you have learned in Collage. Getting into phycology, your only repeating stuff what other have put together before you, and before them, and them, perpetually, and that guaranteed makes you smart?
If you have a Bible, read all the references yourself allowing for different Bible translations. Please, don’t come back with smart remark about it.
I do apply #4 to you to the fullest extent, and if you can not say that you have the real “God given love”, (because then all negatives disappears) don’t quote the bible.
Jackie, you have said “I forgive you, forgetting is a different thing”
Consider the following: there are a 100 0ther references.
1) Philippians, 3-13,14-Brothers I do not think I have made it my own, but one thing I make my own, forgetting what lies behind and straining what lies ahead, – – –
2) Isaiah, 43-18-19- remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old, – – –
3) 2Corrinthiaqns, 5-17, therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation – – –
4) Ephesians, 4-31,32, Let all bitterness, wrath and anger and glamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, – – –
5) 1 John 1,9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful, He is faithful to forgive and cleans us from all unrighteousness, – – –
6) Isaiah 43-25, I am HE who blots out your transgressions for my own sake and will remember them no more – – –
7) Hebrew 10-17, I will remember their sins and lawless deeds no more – – –
😎 Hebrew 11-1, Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen
9) Colossians 2-8, now see to it that no one will take you captive by empty deceit , according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirit of the world – – –
Well here it is, you practice #9 to its fullest extend,
I REPEAT: TO THE ELEMENTAL SPIRIT OF THE WORLD

Jackie N. Rioux 1. I’m 47 not over 50. I have confronted you about the past at least 3 times before now. Each time you are still in denial. You are a classic sociopath and emotional abuser. One trait of a sociopath is they can quote scripture to support whatever confusions they so believe. Just keep digging your hole. I didn’t comment after your last post because there is just no reasoning with you. There never has been. All now it all shows.

Lou Haselmeyer Your dreams have robbed you of reality, it is not me that is in denial here, it is you. 3 times you try? you have build yourself a bubble of contentment, and living within that sphere, breathing the same air, gave you illusions. discounting the years of your unhappiness, it is definitely a long time ago, and you needed your pups to help you out, using a language, belonging in hell, and went along the way to make story’s believable. you dont want to accept that i have admitted mistakes, it does not serve you, you dont want to accept changes are possible, as well, it does not serve you. forgive and forget, would you put you on the spot, you deny it, it does not serve you, you lie about your time line, you will not admit, it does not serve you. how many more lie do you want me to point out? you dont have much more intelligent things to say, you keep on repeating. However, your psycho-babble does not impress me. Stay in your bubble.

Rae Nicole Why are you still on here?? If your sooooo happy with your new life then F*CK OFF we do NOT need you in our lives. My mom is an amazing woman no thanks to you. She and my dad protected us kids from pedofiles like yourself.

Jackie N. Rioux Ok. I think everyone has had about enough of this. I was hoping to keep this somewhat more respectful, but that failed. Ladies and Gentlemen this is my father in all his guts and glory. The original post above with his email shows he wanted recognition as being my father, which I can only acknowledge in a biological sense for now obvious reasons. His comments on the pic in my timeline (about sharing greatest weaknesses) also has comments from him. Well I think he has received the recognition he deserves. My meager attempt at restorative justice is not possible here. A sociopath must always exert dominance and gain the upper hand. When confronted they retaliate and spew venom to anything and everything around their intended target rather than maturely acknowledging the main issue. Accountability, mutuality, respectable boundaries, and acknowledgement is not possible here. For anyone who is in psych classes or social work and would like to use these exchanges as a ‘case study’ of some sort, my permission granted so at least there is some benefit here. I have adjusted privacy so he can’t post anymore. He can continue his tirades and harassment thru private email with me. A sociopath cannot handle rejection so they will spew insults until their ‘victim’ succumbs. It is only when they find they cannot control their victim, or when they are confronted that they may recede with their own sense of finality while still blaming their target. I am hoping he will disown me again so I can go back to peace without his condescension and judgments of me.

Cheryl Nelson Jackie…I am beyond words at the moment, having read of the horrors you have triumphed over in your life. I can’t “speak” but to tell you how deeply I admire you, how much I always liked you, and to send you mountains of love and hugs. Be well, dear one, and stay your beautiful, courageous self. xx

September 5 2014 Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. Yes I have overcome a lot and gained a lot of understanding and compassion. The ‘horrors’ I have survived unfortunately are not much compared to things that I know that other people have gone thru. Some people have also overcome, some have not and it really is my hope that being open about my ‘horrors’ will spur someone else to begin their own healing. Yet again… our greatest weakness can be turned into our greatest strength. Our traumas can be the key to our life purpose in helping others

September 6 2014 Lou Haselmeyer to Jackie N. Rioux
2014-09-06, FINAL.
Jackie, it is good to stop our quibble, as it brings us nothing, however, words you spoken against me, well you will have to live with it. You shall remember them forever. I have goaded you for a long time and you have always reacted. I have said repeatedly, that I live by different rules now, which you will not accept and that I have made mistakes. However, your girls, they are a different matter. YOU deal with them. I will repeat to you, BE VERY CAREFULL OF WHAT YOU SAY.
Ephesians 4-29 let no corrupt communication – – –
Proverbs 15-1 a soft answer turneth away wrath – – –
If you are so inclined, search out yourself “THE POWER OF WORDS”. You have erased all comments, fine with me but your readers will think differently by now. But any way, be good and believe it or not
I HAVE NO ILL-FEELING TOWARDS YOU AND ONLY WISH THAT YOU SUCCEED IN WHATEVER YOU WISH TO ACOMPLISH.
GRANTED, THIS IS FINAL.

Vina Rocha Our children are a gift from above. Bless not Curse

Candice Willms-Carey Do not judge lest you be judged

Vina Rocha AMEN

September 20 2014 6:48 pm. Werner Wilhelm Otto (Lou) Lou Haselmeyer March 11, 1939 – September 20, 2014. Thank you for giving me life and life lessons that made me the person I have become today. Rest in peace. I’m sorry our last words were not the best. God speed. My father was in hospital with pulmonary embolism and had heart attacks this morning. Apparently passed about 3 pm today. My condolences to his wife Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer in Mexico and to all his family in Germany.

Dana Leanne Marshall I’m sorry for your loss and all your family.

Peter Walsh sorry sis
•
Fran Walker McGuinness Jackie, Danya and Nola. So sorry for your loss. Prayers and sympathies to you and your families. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers!

Noreen Spence ahhh I’m sorry Jackie. Love and peace to you and your family.

Ruth Anderson Sorry for your loss. . Prayers to all

Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer Thanks everybody for the condolences.

Margo Kiland sorry, always sad to hear of loved ones passing

Jacquie Woolley Hugzzzzzzzzz

Gordon Schultz-Hill Sorry to hear about your dad! I send all the hugs I can give!

Cynthia Walker ❤

Rob Smart Sorry to hear that my friend

Sarah Scarrow thinking of you!

Tim Wall Sorry for your loss

Kim Armstrong My Condolences Jackie

Sharon Swanson Jackie so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad ….our thoughts and prayers and love are for you xoxox take good care xxx

Andrea Lies Mein Herzliches Beileid, an die Familie. Ruhe in Frieden Lieber Onkel Werner( Lou).
• See Translation • My deepest condolences to the family. RIP dear uncle Werner (Lou).

Kerry Palagian Xo

Tamara Williams Jackie you have my condolences. Thinking of you. Hugs and take care.

Kat Tecson Valcourt My thoughts and prayers of peace and comfort are with you my friend.

Pam Bouvette Sorry for your families loss.

Wayne Enlow So sorry to hear about your father. My condolences and blessings to u and ur family.

Karla Woeste My condolences to you and your family. Now maybe some peace will come to all. Hugs to you!

Sarah Joyce Michel Holding you all in The Light.

September 21, 2014 Jackie N. Rioux The tapestry of life, world gratitude day and why am I crying….
Lots of mixed emotions yesterday and today. Thank you so much to many dear friends for all your messages and comments. Appreciated more than I can express in words.
Everything happens for a reason, the universe has perfect timing, and for those who believe as I do, God always has a plan bigger than we will ever understand. One analogy I love is the tapestry of life. God is up there making tapestries of our lives. The dark threads enhance the colors of our lives. We do not see the bigger picture until much later when we look back over our life and see that everything happened so that something else could happen. All intertwined, meaningful, and exactly the way it should be to learn our life lessons, to fulfill our purpose. As we go thru the events of our lives, we can feel so confused, hurt, and just at a loss of questioning “why me???”.
Today is World Gratitude day. How perfectly fitting for all the mixed emotions swirling in my mind. Loss, confusion, finally a freedom of sorts from the memories and bondages of the past, a culmination of beginning and end, and a heart of swelling gratitude.
Everything happens for a reason and many of you know that about two weeks ago, I felt pressured to make public my childhood experiences and the tumultuous relationship with my father. It was kind of a public acknowledgement, and now I see it was a closure of sorts. Now just a few weeks later, he is gone. Through the many messages received, I also now see that the ‘publicity’ was necessary and put the puzzle pieces together for so many people.
With all that made public, I am now feeling so confused as to what I am supposed to feel, what I should feel, and what I am feeling… or am I at all? I am still numb and in shock. All my life I have wondered about this day. How do you forgive the unforgiveable? How do you see the good virtues that were instilled in me in ways that only these experiences could have produced? I am strong minded, I am compassionate, I understand and can deal with much more than just the average person can even imagine to endure. I raised 4 children to be productive adults and good parents themselves. I am the eldest daughter so responsibility and the ‘obligation’ to protect my sisters is engrained in me. I was the guinea pig, raised much more ‘harshly’ than my sisters in some ways in all the trials and errors of the first child.
Thank you for all the messages last night and today. So very much appreciated to know I am so blessed with so many people in my life that are near and far. From my newest friends to cherished lifelong friends, all loved ones who have had an impact somewhere along my life path and I am so grateful for social media to keep you close to my heart in ‘virtual’ contact. Ever so grateful. THANK YOU!!
So, for those of you who now ask, why are you crying after all you have been thru? Well…. Let me share this: Wayne Dyer has some seminar CD’s I listened to a few years ago. “Spiritual answers to Life questions”. He shares an analogy that I have heard many times from other inspirational speakers, but added his own experience. The story is that before we come to earth, we choose our life purpose and the ‘characters’ in our life that will teach us our life lessons. In Wayne’s experience he told God he wanted to teach people how to be independent. So God said, ok.. we’ll give you an alcoholic mother, and absent father, you can grow up in orphanages and learn to be independent and then you can teach others. I actually laughed out loud when I listened to this!!! How perfect!
So that said, I will explain my own experience. One of the after effects of childhood trauma is skewed survival skills. You see a child has not yet learned certain things in their development and when faced with trauma, they find ways to survive when they cannot physically escape. I did not know until much later in my adult years that it is not normal to ‘separate’. (No that does not mean that I have a split personality, but in extreme cases of psychosis, yes that can be an explanation). What that means is that a child going thru trauma cannot escape physically so emotionally their mind shuts down to minimize the current experience. The weakness produced is that thru life, this skewed survival skill causes the adult to stay in uncomfortable or harmful situations and ‘freeze up’ where normal people would have left with their fight or flight response. (I have too many examples of this unfortunately).
I have learned to turn this skill into my greatest strength though now that I understand what it is and how I can use it to my advantage. I am capable of endurance. I am capable of staying in uncomfortable situations when I feel it would benefit someone else for me to stay and be supportive. I have understanding and compassion in these situations because I KNOW from my own experiences. I can face adversity and look fear right in the face. I have courage that comes from within, not from an altered state of drugs or alcohol. All these traits I would not have if I had not gone thru EXACTLY the experiences I have had. For that reason I grieve the loss of the person put in my life to teach me those skills.
For that reason it is essential to personal growth to forgive the unforgivable and to put my life purpose to good use in helping others cope with their traumas. Death is part of life, and a purpose has been served. May he go in peace to the afterlife, without worldly ties. Complete in his gifts to the people of this world. Many others more recently have been touched in good ways and I am grateful for that as well.
So in closing, one part of my life tapestry has come full circle. Very fitting for world gratitude day….. so my tears today are mixed with bittersweet memories and a sense of freedom and renewal. This is why I am crying… tears are cleansing for the soul.
For various reasons of responsibilities, time and distance, I was not able to go to my grandmother’s or my Aunt Dott’s funerals. I am also not able to go to Mexico right now. Today I am going to go to Ancient forest, I think that is quite fitting for me right now. And light a candle later…

Angela Broman hugs.

Doina Martinez really well said Jackie

Jackie N. Rioux You know… lots of people tell me I seem to have good writing skills, expressing things written. With all my father’s broken english, German and Spanish influences…. I actually got my love of language and expression from him…

Amy Richards My Love to you, Jackie N. Rioux, thank you for sharing your beautiful, and tragic but inspiring story. Someday remind me to tell you the story of my, “ real estate friend.” I know you will relate. God Bless you and Guide you and Inspire you in your Healing Work, and life! ♥♥♥♥♥♥

September 23 2014 I’d like this to be the last memory of my father, knowing his last year’s were happy in Mexico and that so many people loved him and appreciated the good in him. I’ve only seen him once since 2003. It’s nice to see him with such a peaceful smile.

Angela Broman hugs lady.

Danya Rossi i have a picture of him at the reception in his poncho…should dig that out

Jackie N. Rioux Please do…. I am realizing I have hardly any pics of him… A few when the kids were little… just not many at all.

Andrea Storti I’m so sorry Jackie. I know I have issues but I couldn’t imagine my kids going through life not knowing their dad. You kind of reminded me to realize how easy it is to hurt your kids! Thank you – I think your posts on your dad have made me a better dad

Jackie N. Rioux Thank you…. There are good memories just so many bad ones and especially this last fall out with him stirred up so many things…. No matter what the relationship was like it is just so hard. I’m glad my posts have had a positive impact somewhere… for someone else to not endure or make the same mistakes. Seriously, so many people have told me through my life I should write a book about my life. Dad even said it sarcastically recently… I am thinking of it more and more to actually write my memories both good and bad so all can see that good does come in the end, that life lessons are learned even in the bad times… and that those should never be the focus… I am realizing more and more the blessings I have with the people in my life, the amazing memories and honestly the good things, virtues and characteristics in me that came from my father. If my life can be an example to others I would love that.

Andrea Storti smile

Andrea Lies Grandpa Karl 2 (father of Onkerl Werner-Lou)

September 23 2014 I love you Mom. Thank you for reminiscing conversations last night. I know this is a hard time for you as well. He may have been out of your life for a while, but coming to terms with the death of a person who was part of your life for 35 years along with all of us girls, still brings a unique sense of grief. All the memories both good and bad still have made us who we are. And yes there were some good things about him… The camping trips, his resourcefulness, we always had food, he built the home we lived in and was creative in the other things he made, he was so nice and giving to strangers, and he held a job all his life keeping busy. So yes there are some good memories we all have of him, just no more eggshells. Big hugs!!! Helen Burnett Haselmeyer

Lisa Smart-Hampton ❤ I love you Jackie …I think about you often. I love seeing your family on fb and feeling joy over how much you have overcome. You are amazing. ❤❤

Jackie N. Rioux Thanks Lisa, The last couple weeks have really been a HUGE reality check for me in culminating life lessons and just so much more in realizing sooo many people who have had tremendous and uniquely instrumental impacts on my life over all my years. You were one of them too. I was actually just telling mom last night of the notes we passed in private school and the night we were laughing our little heads off when you warmed up that chili laden leftover pizza for me. Stop laughing you lil *****
Life is amazing when we start seeing the tapestry for the beautiful artistry that it really is….. Thank you for being part of my journey as well

Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer And he was the same still the last days.

Gordon Schultz-Hill You are a very unique woman! I am glad you have found a way to forgive the wrongs of the past! Stay strong my friend and my all your endeavors be fulfilled!

Maggie Mae I remember your Dad taking the time to show me how he made silver jewelry. I remember one hilariously terrible dinner he made by dumping ALL the leftovers into a casserole, then adding a can of pineapple. Danya Rossi and I were rightfully skeptical of this culinary adventure.

Jackie N. Rioux ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG yes!!! Ya, I learned a lot with the jewelry making, and my fascination with rocks and such are all from him. The dinners though… omg… I still have the ‘ability’ to make dinners like he used to, experimental style… Like my baking… usually tastes good, just its always an experiment lol

Dana Leanne Marshall Your a beautiful person Jackie

Rachelle Delorey Sending you love and light to all your family xoxo

Sharon Swanson I came across the silver whale necklace pendant your Dad gave to me many years ago when I used to babysit… I remember all his polished rocks ….I was going thru my Life suitcase….all the little things with all the memories of a journey thru life times…..the good memories will out run the not so good memories with time Jackie…. you are a wonderful and vibrant and caring Beautiful Lady!!! Xox

Al Price Sorry to hear about your Dad’s passing. Pass my condolences to your sisters. Tammy is taking it hard. She spend the day with me yesterday

Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. And thank you do much for being there for Tammy…. She has such a big sensitive heart and I know is taking this so hard.

Angela Robertson Sending my condolences Jackie.

Larry with Oliver and Abigail

Larry with Hunter

Lawrence Benedict Nizio AKA Lazer

April 9 1981 – October 13 2018

#LarryNizio #LazerNizio

All the pics and videos we have of Larry/ Lazer are here: Family Pics Larry n family

Video playlist on YouTube where we’ve shared our fave tribute music videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLg7kqRypaKAEru1I6UQcu9U9-ufmnce2E

There is much more to come on this page when I can manage to gather myself together to make a fitting tribute to my son in law without breaking down in tears each time I try to put more on this page.

****July 2022: Coming up FOUR YEARS and I still do not have a proper page here for Larry as I originally intended. I have several digital folders of all sorts of saved social media posts and other writings all related to Larry and my attempts at a proper tribute. it is seriously overwhelming.  What I am deciding to do now, to condense and organize, is to put all my own social media posts and writings here, then create a sharable PDF booklet containing all the condolence messages and posts. Then another shareable PDF booklet of my own story of my life with Larry, my son in law. This is all “in the works” and will be shared here as soon as ready. ****

******September 2022: I have ideas, but not written out yet. I have come to the conclusion that I need to write out my “daughter dearest” experiences first to get that all out of my brain. Journaling is therapeutic, right? Well, years ago I wrote out my traumas and then was able to focus on healing. Now I read that as someone else’s story, no emotional charge left. If you search anything with rae_nic_c you will find all sorts of “leaked only fans pics” and some less than reputable websites.
I want to cry. Yes, me and my girls did some fun local fashion modeling years ago to build our confidence and just have fun. This… this is not how I raised my daughter. This is blocking my own healing journey in being stuck in despair and grief with such a broken relationship with my flesh and blood. And it is affecting my healing with making a proper tribute to Larry. This is important, and I will get this done sooner than later. *********

This is the tribute video my son Jared made that was played at the funeral: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX3phQjQe58

October 15 2018: With permission, I have created a tribute Memorial group for Larry. A place to share pics and memories:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/280025775848437

October 2021: I am slowly moving the posts from social media to this web page. 
*********************************************************************

October 13 2018 11:05 AM: Why is it only when you lose a loved one that you realize that you really don’t have that many good pictures?

October 14 2018  6:43 AM: A few hours sleep and waking up to the nightmare still here. How do you even begin to make sense of senseless? How do you console a 73 year old mother who has lost her only son? Or tell an 89 year old war vet that he now must bury his son, rather than the other way around. It’s not supposed to happen this way. How do you tell a 5 year old and 7 year old that their daddy, their idol, their stability is just “gone” when they “just saw him yesterday”, “he just went to work”. How do you cope when the main pillar just disappears in the height of his life? Father, son, brother, partner, friend, manager (craftsman collision 15 years). Just snuffed out. His rider group of burly men has been reduced to bawling babies in the loss of one of their own.
Those left behind feel like a ravaging chainsaw has been taken mercilessly to our beating hearts. Like the aftermath of a window being sucked out of a plane. Can we just turn back time a few days? Just taken a different route home, just leave at a different time. Just do that one little thing different that would not have put him in that crucial split second moment that changed everything.
How do you explain “it was just his time to go” to the logical mind, and to those who don’t understand the “soul level”.
And the torrential tears flow again….
The emptiness is excruciating. He was my son in law, but I loved him so dearly as my own. I cannot even imagine the grief of his mother. It is painful talking to her. The gaping emptiness. He was her whole life. It’s so hard for us being so many hours away. I only got to see him a couple times a year. Life gets busy. Brief phone calls. Yet so much space in my heart for loved ones. This just can’t be real…. The stages of grief and unfathomable loss. I have such a pure deep love.
It’s so hard not to be selfish and want him back, but we know on a soul level, he is in a better place. But how do you explain that to his kids… They don’t have any grasp of spirit form of daddy being a “guide” and always in their hearts…
Larry just got Ollie set up in hockey last week. A 7 year old mini me now doesn’t have daddy to physically show him the ropes. Abbie no longer has high up shoulder rides…
The downright ugly horrid tears and extreme shock of it all are not feeling very strong at the moment. Still, being the matriarch I will gather my strength again at some point…
Sometimes all there is, is an indescribable presence… Which I feel in the surrounding of love and prayers…thank you. And then there is a figurative gaping hole in my very existence.

October 16 2018: I gotta deal with roof court today. On the way to court house, Pearl Jam “last kiss” comes on… About an accident and saying goodbye… And there goes the tears again. It was just a few minutes’ drive and it came on the radio. I don’t even remember the last time I heard that song… Or heard it on the radio. Flukey. He knew about this court issue. He was always on top of taking care of things and checking in whenever we needed support.
This is not the way I hoped to shed weight… dropped 6 lbs since Friday. (Yes I am eating… just missed about 30 hours there..).

November 1 2018: Jackie N. Rioux was traveling to Terrace, British Columbia from VIA Rail-Prince George.
Got in late last night, scrambled to clean and repack. Now I’m finally on train, Terrace bound. Heading out Saturday to Miami to go on 11 day cruise with Mom. Back in PG November 21st. Everybody thinking this trip a good thing to get my mind off things for a bit. Let’s hope so. Been in numb walking zombie mode last 2 weeks. …. And just pulled out of station right past Craftsman Collision on 1st Ave. Tears again…

December 4 2018: I know Larry’s heart was in the right place. I gave him a “Biker’s Bible” and he had that out in plain view every time I visited.

December 31 2018: This came up in memories. I had posted this 2 weeks after losing a dear friend 4 years ago.
Sentiments hold true once again as we settle into a new reality without our dear beloved Larry.
Reposted from December 31 2014: I’ve been refraining from a ‘happy’ new year post so far because I’m trying to come up with a truthful and meaningful post without sounding so trite. Although 2014 started off great and I do have some poignant memories throughout the year, the last seven months have been overshadowed with blow after blow of loss, heartache, and too many deaths for me and several people close to me. Some of us are starting this new year without loved ones, from grandparents to grandbabies and other special loved ones in between as well as fur babies too.
Many of you know this last two weeks was especially hard as I felt like I was hit by a loaded freight train. So much for me always being the strong encouraging one that everyone could rely on.
My heart goes out to others who are also grieving through the holiday festive season. Any time of year is hard, but especially now.
The new year is a time of hope and new beginnings. Let us ring in the new year knowing our loved ones are now carried on the wings of angels and will forever remain in our hearts. Let us look forward to health happiness and meaningful relationships of all kinds with new and old friends, and dear family especially.
I wish you all the very best of life’s blessings… And for those of my closest friends, I’ll be harassing you at midnight thru texts!!!!

April 6 2019:
Melissa Rioux: Just had one of the weirdest experiences of my life. Got a reflexology session at the wellness Expo (which was amazing and totally made my stomach feel better) I didn’t really pay attention to the lady that was getting a session next to me at the time. About a half hour later, that lady came and found me and was looking pretty shaken up. She asked if I was a Taurus or if I was connected with a Taurus.. possibly one who recently passed. (Minor panic because both my parents and my boyfriend are Taurus.) She asked a couple more questions. Turns out she was getting a message from Larry for mom. That he made it over to the other side and he’s happy and where he needs to be.
Never seen this lady before in my life. How random is that?

April 15 2019:
Jackie N. Rioux: Farewell Larry. I brought another ladybug for you. I did get to meet some more of your amazingly wonderful friends at your birthday gathering. I was able to see Ollie and Abbie for a few hours at the hotel pool.
Homeward bound now. “See you” on the other side some day. Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I’m living, my “son in love” you’ll be.

October 13 2020 (posted to Disturbed FB group) 
I hope it is ok to post this here to show you how much your version of Sound of Silence means to our family.

Today is the 2 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life.

In March of 2016, I went to visit my son in law, the father of 2 of my grandchildren. I’ll spare those details but suffice to say he was going through an awful rough patch. Disturbed’s version of Sound of Silence had just come out a few months before. We went for a long drive and he played Disturbed Sound of Silence on repeat. He was lost in his thoughts and just soaking in the moments and the relatable meaning of that song to his personal world right then. I am sure the depth of David Draiman’s voice touched his soul. It became his favorite song.

Fast forward to Friday October 12 2018. Larry was manager at Abbotsford Craftsman Collision. He had taken his brand new dream Harley to work that day. He had a temporary 4 day insurance, planning to go for a ride with his friends that Thanksgiving long weekend.
He texted his friends to arrange a weekend ride. Then he left work a bit early, intending to go visit his mom. At the intersection of Sumas and Marshall, he had stopped for the lights. At 445 pm, when he went to pull forward to go up the hill, a Dodge Ram slammed him from behind, throwing him to the ground into traffic. This truck tried to go around, but ran over him instead. Larry/ Lazer was taken to hospital but succumbed to his injuries at 345 am, October 13 2018.
My 6 foot 4 inch tall son in law was 37 years old and left behind his “mini me” son Oliver, age 7, and daughter Abigail, age 5. His funeral was filled with half the church of his Craftsman and business friends and family, and the other half was his leather clad BACA and Harley rider friends.

My son felt so lost without his big bro in law. He makes gamer videos and also tribute videos. He made a tribute video to his bro using family pictures and the unanimous choice of Disturbed’s version of Sound of Silence. This was played on the big screen in the church with not a dry eye in the whole place. David Draiman’s haunting voice and this rendition of Sound of Silence tugs the heart strings of every one of Larry’s/ Lazer’s friends and family.

Hold on to the Memories is shared in his Memorial group as well.

December 31 2020:
Jackie N. Rioux: All the pictures I have of my son in law have a pained look in his eyes, even the happy ones. When he passed, I had to go through a process of letting him go. I learned that we had a strong soul connection and that is why we had been so close. I envisioned a balloon going up to heaven, I had to let go of the string.
When I did that, his face came into my mind’s eye with the most radiant smile ever!!
I am not usually visual, but since then, I have had 9 times in the last two years that intuitives have given me messages from him or seen him around me.

Ghosts by Anthony Peters
I ride with ghosts of the ones I love that left me in this world.
I ride with them forevermore to me they’re only heard.
I hear their bikes and see their smiles beside me they still roll.
And they will always be there until I too go home.  

Picture album: https://1drv.ms/f/s!AkYJFXTNmfrjqFaF2nz1DZx5fWie?e=xejUHv

Jared Rioux to Jackie N. Rioux December 20 2014
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8mF8SV47zg&feature=youtu.be
here is the video you requested
Andy Senger Tribute
A Friend of our family past away recently and as requested by my mother, Jackie Rioux,Ii made this video in memory of Andrew Senger.
Jared Rioux: shows the copyright only prevents views in Germany but not Canada… may just take few mins since it just finished uploading 5 mins ago
Jackie N. Rioux: Beautiful Thank you 🙂
Kerry Palagian: thank you so much.

When Andrew was about 4 years old, I was his regular babysitter for quite a while. Many weekends I spent at their home. Andrew was a really rambunctious little guy. My lil buddy! Always running in for some mayonnaise sandwiches, then back outside playing again. So many memories of those days. His mom got married and I was at the wedding to watch the kids as usual. Some time after the wedding, my babysitting services weren’t needed as much and although living in the same small town, we lost touch for several years.
Around about when Andy was late teens, I went to Copperside gas station to fill up my vehicle. The attendant that came out looked awfully familiar. He was watching me and I was watching him in my mirrors. Then he smiled. ANDY!!!!!! I knew that smile anywhere! From then on, any time Andy ran into me I would get a hug and he introduced me to his girlfriends. A few times he saw me out in the local nightclub and asked for a dance with his “favorite babysitter”.
When Andy was 20, he was in a horrible accident that claimed the life of his friend. Andy had been pinned under the vehicle, resulting in a collapsed lung and other injuries. He was in a coma for a few weeks and had his mouth wired shut for a few months. I remember bringing him liquid food drinks and still seeing him around town now and then.

We both moved away from our home town. Although we didn’t see each other often, we had such a strong connection between us. Oddly enough, any time I wondered about him, I would run into him within a week later. One such time, I had gone to the mall just to pick up something. When I was going through the outside doors, there was Andy coming in!! He was in town to meet up with his girlfriend and to bring her flowers. He had some time though before his girlfriend was off work, so we went for lunch. He was excited to catch up and tell me all his latest wonderful adventures. He also mentioned that he had the same uncanny connection with me in that any time he thought of me, he knew he would see me soon afterwards.
Andrew got online and we would chat on MSN messenger. I always saved our conversations. He told me more about his accident and hospital stay, and that his sister Kerry was singing off key and he wanted to kick her. That is how he woke up from the coma he was in. He told me that when he was little, there was one time when they were at my house, I was standing at the top of the stairs and the light was shining in such a way that he thought of me as his guardian angel. Funny, because I always thought of him as a guardian angel in being so inspirational to me and to others.
Then he got on Facebook. He was always so encouraging to everyone. He was living in Vancouver and managed to get himself on a Canucks promotional video with his face painted at one of the games.

In 2011, I was visiting family in Vancouver area and managed to catch up with Andy. We would meet at a Waves coffee shop. Once we took a long drive to another suburb to visit his friends and get some famous donairs. Another time we spent a whole evening together. We went for dinner, went to the market, walked the wharf and watched the sunset. It was that night when we parted that he gave me a hug and I asked for a second hug. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw Andy in person. Thankfully we had Facebook and phone calls.

December 14 2014, a Sunday morning, I saw his sister Kerry’s Facebook post as a tribute to her baby brother. He had passed the night before. I was confused and didn’t even believe it at first. Then I was a wreck. I screamed, I puked, I cried. I could not accept this news. I could not stop crying for weeks afterwards. I managed to get through work barely and almost cancelled our family Christmas because I could hardly function. There was a memorial with some of his friends in Vancouver on December 23 2014. I couldn’t take time off work for that as we had black out during Christmas. Then was a funeral planned for December 29 2014 in our home town Terrace. With only an hour’s notice, I was on the highway to get there. A six hour drive just to be there for my lil buddy, my guardian angel. No, I did not hold it together at the funeral. At all.

A few months later, I was in Vancouver again. I always wanted to see a live Canucks hockey game. Somehow we scored last minute tickets to a live game, with seats right behind the goalie. I figured Andy was pulling some strings on that one. Over the years I have had several visual intuitives “see” Andy behind me. I have been asked many times “who is that dark haired man behind you?”. One time I referred to him as my guardian angel and I was promptly corrected that he is now a spirit guide. I find some comfort in knowing that his spirit is always around and he is quite happy now in his new soul mission.
**********************************************************************
Sometimes crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is.

Posted on social media:

December 31 2014: I’ve been refraining from a ‘happy’ new year post so far because I’m trying to come up with a truthful and meaningful post without sounding so trite. Although 2014 started off great and I do have some poignant memories throughout the year, the last seven months have been overshadowed with blow after blow of loss, heartache, and too many deaths for me and several people close to me. Some of us are starting this new year without loved ones, from grandparents to grandbabies and other special loved ones in between as well as fur babies too.
Many of you know this last two weeks was especially hard as I felt like I was hit by a loaded freight train. So much for me always being the strong encouraging one that everyone could rely on.
My heart goes out to others who are also grieving through the holiday festive season. Any time of year is hard, but especially now.
The new year is a time of hope and new beginnings. Let us ring in the new year knowing our loved ones are now carried on the wings of angels and will forever remain in our hearts. Let us look forward to health happiness and meaningful relationships of all kinds with new and old friends, and dear family especially.
I wish you all the very best of life’s blessings… And for those of my closest friends, I’ll be harassing you at midnight thru texts!!!!


March 8 2015: Almost 3 months you’ve been gone. The torrential tears have somewhat subsided finally, only now and then they leak out… It’s true that you never really understand how much someone means to you until they are gone. I am so thankful for the times we had heart to hearts and that you knew beyond a doubt how special you were to me, and vice versa. Even though the tears have subsided, I still feel like my soul has had a piece of it torn away by a merciless chain saw. The only thing now that keeps haunting me is that the last time we spent time together, when we said our goodbyes, I asked for a second hug. Now I realize that on a subconscious level I must have known that would be the last time I saw you in person. A dear friend explained to me that sometimes on a physical level we don’t understand spiritual things and ‘joke’ about those things. Maybe that is why you and I were always each others ‘guardian angels’. I doubt I will ever quite understand that uncanny connection you and I had of just ‘appearing’ when we thought of each other. I am so thankful for every moment you were in my life and all those ‘coincidences’ that wove a beautiful tapestry of our friendship over so many years.

Update January 2020:
Marjorie Lorna Smith (Byfield)
August 28 1939 – Sunday January 20 2020
I read out this poem at her Celebration of Life February 1 2020

Turn Back to Me

I (God) have seen the painful paths
That you have walked upon,
The disappointments, and the hurts
That have come along.I have seen your tears,
Down over the years.
I have never left your side
For you are my lovely child.

I long for you to behold my face
And feel the warmth of My embrace.
To have you sit on my knee,
And from your fears, set you free.

Turn back to Me, my love.
Give Me your whole heart
And walk in My ways,
For your way will only
Bring you more pain.
With Me, there is much to gain.

You and your children are precious to Me.
In Me, there is healing for your hurts and pain.
Only I can reach down into all your hearts,
And heal the deep emotional scars
That will otherwise follow and affect you,
All the days of your lives.

Let forgiveness flow,
unforgiveness will
Bind you in your soul.

There will be peace in your home,
As you put Me first,
And teach your children in My ways.

This will influence them in all their days.
To come, your home will be transformed,
With light as all the darkness will flee.

Oh, come to Me, My arms are stretched out wide,
To receive you, My child.
Oh, how I long for your love
For your soul to be made whole.

To walk with you in My garden,
All your sins, I will pardon.
I AM your only hope
I AM waiting for you!
I AM calling you, yearning for you!

I love you!

From God Your Father

Written by Marj Smith
February 2002

I’m dedicating all of the following to two very special women in my life: My Grandma and Auntie Dott. These two special people had a major influence on the morals and values that I grew up to believe in. I thank them for that. My most favorite memories of Grandma and Auntie would be doing the newspaper crosswords together, and playing Scrabble on the beach. I always loved the roses that lined the walkway up to grandma’s house.

Dear Lord…
So far today I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

May those who love us, love us
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts;
And if He doesn’t turn their hearts
May He turn their ankles
So we’ll know them by their limping.
An old Gaelic Blessing

These words hold a message of cheer;
Be glad when repeating them over,
And smile when the shadows appear.
Above and beyond stands the Master
He sees what we do for his sake;
He never will fail or forsake us,
He knoweth the way that we take.

Faith is a force that is greater than knowledge or power or skill, and the darkest defeat turns to triumph if we trust in God’s wisdom and will. ~Helen Steiner Rice

‘Give us this day our daily bread’ is probably the most perfectly constructed and useful sentence ever set down in the English language. ~P.J. Wingate

God speaks in the silence of the heart; listening is the beginning of prayer. ~Mother Theresa

The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him. ~William McGill

The Lord’s Prayer may be committed to memory quickly, but it is slowly learnt by the heart. ~Frederick Denison Maurice

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us. ~Socrates

God always answers our prayers, but sometimes the answer is ‘no’.

When the outlook is dark, try the uplook.

The man who walks close to God will leave no room for the devil to come between.

Life with Christ is an endless hope; without Him it’s a hopeless end.

Let the mind of the Master be the Master of your mind.

God always gives His best to those who leave the choice to Him.

If Christ is the center of our lives, the circumference will take care of itself.

For the Christian, every bush ought to be a burning bush, and all ground ought to be holy ground.

I would rather walk with God in the light, than alone in the dark.

It is far better to serve the Lord, than to wish you had.

Don’t make God your last resort, make Him your first Resource!

The true measure of God’s love is that He loves without measure.

Peace rules the day only when Christ rules the heart. You can’t take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.

Your name must be written in His “Book of Life” before your good deeds are inscribed in His “Book of Remembrance”.

When times are at their worst; a Christian should be at his best. Each day is a gift from God, that is why it is called the Present.

To get to heaven, turn right and keep straight.

God is more truly imagined than expressed and He exists more truly than He is imagined.~St. Augustine

Peace rules the day only when Christ rules the heart.

You can’t take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.

Your name must be written in His “Book of Life” before your good deeds are inscribed in His “Book of Remembrance”.

When times are at their worst; a Christian should be at his best.

Each day is a gift from God, that is why it is called the Present.

To get to heaven, turn right and keep straight. God is more truly imagined than expressed and He exists more truly than He is imagined.~St. Augustine

Oh, that my tongue might so possess
The accents of His tenderness,
That every word I breathe should bless.
For those who mourn, a word of cheer;
A word of hope for those who fear;
And love to all men near and far.
Oh, that it might be said of me,
Surely thy speech betrayeth thee,
A friend of Christ of Galilee.

I sought my soul
But my soul I could not see.
I sought my God
But my God eluded me.
I sought my brother
And I found all three.

God give me sympathy and sense,
And help me keep my courage high;
God, give me calm and confidence,
And, please, a twinkle in my eye. ~Margaret Bailey

The mathematics of sin: Sin multiplies until it is out of control. Sin divides families, friends, and even churches. Sin adds heartache, grief, worry, and fear. Sin subtracts your name from the Lamb’s Book of Life. ~Bob Jeffreys

Rules for today:
Do nothing that you would not like to be doing when Jesus comes.
Go to no place where you would not like to be found when Jesus comes.

Say nothing that you would not like to be saying when Jesus comes.

What I can do, plus what God can do, equals enough.

Christianity helps us face the music even when we don’t like the tune.

Too many church members have been starched and ironed, but never washed. ~Doris Hugh

RX for Christians—Prevent truth decay Read your Bible every day.

Christ died for all men—not just the ones you know and like.

Man sees the deed, but God knows the intention. ~Thomas A.Kempis

Think twice—In Noah’s day, “everybody else was doing it”, but everybody except Noah was wrong.

Jesus never has office hours, nor does he impose a secretary between himself and His clients. ~Merlin N.Steen

The “Finger” that points the way is part of the “Hand” that supplies the need. ~Lilian Petry

Our goal should be God’s “well done”, not the world’s congratulations. ~Merlin N.Steen Prism Blessings.

When God puts a tear in your eye, it’s because he wants to put a rainbow in your heart. ~Henry Shaffer

God answers our prayers by giving what we would have asked for if we had known what he knows.

There are two kinds of leaders: those interested in the fleece and those interested in the flock.

If you hem your morning with prayer, you are not so likely to come unraveled as the day wears on. ~Naomi Johnson

Saying “yes” to God means saying “no” to things which offend His holiness. ~A. Morgan Derham

Man calls the light “sun”. God calls the Light “Son”.

What God forgives, man had better leave alone.

The world says, “Show me and I’ll believe.” Christ says, “Believe Me and I’ll show you”.

Don’t expect God to change things to suit you unless you are willing to let Him change you to suit Him.

Religion is like a bicycle, when it stops going it falls over.

The church is not a museum for finished products, it is a hospital for the sick. ~Bruce Larson

The preaching of Noah was in the sound of his hammer.

ESP: Extra Spiritual Power Prayer is to the soul what breath is to the body.

When we walk toward Jesus, we walk into the light. When we walk away from Him, we walk into the dark. ~G. Dean Barret

An atheist is a man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all he cannot see.

Every Christian occupies some kind of pulpit and preaches some kind of sermon every day.

If your light is shining for Jesus, God will put it where it can be seen.

Strange that in prayer we often ask for a change in circumstance rather than in our character.

The church is like a bank—what you put into it causes your interest to grow.

Many Christians are half-full cups trying to run over.

God kneads us so we will need Him.

The Bible is the only book whose Author is always present when one reads it.

A man can’t stumble when he’s on his knees.

If God believed in today’s permissiveness, He would have given us the Ten Suggestions.

To the Master Gardener:
I am like a garden, Lord. A garden filled with weeds. Gently with Your loving hands, plant in me the seeds of love and joy and kindness, of faith and hope and trust. Pull out the choking weeds of self, and those of pride and lust. With Your Spirit water me, till I have life anew, so all who see this well worked ground will know it’s kept by You. ~Janet Garibaldi

The bent knee is more powerful than the sharp tongue.

When God locks a door, don’t try to get in through a window.

Satan’s greatest weapons are his half-truths.

An atheist is an unbeliever who prefers to raise his kids in a Christian community.

To sorrow is neither weakness nor sin, but sooner or later, God expects us to arise and carry on.

God-given talent should be given back to God. Christians have what the world needs, but do we live so they want what we have?

A Bible that is falling apart usually belongs to someone who is not.

He who spends time on his knees has no trouble standing on his feet.

God lifts up none but the forsaken, makes none healthy but the sick, gives sight to none but the blind, saves none but the sinners.

God says, “My child, that’s no pit you’re in. It’s a tunnel. Get up. Keep walking. I’m with you. Soon you will see the light again! Just believe. No storm will overcome you. This is My promise to you.”

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. ~Dante

*THE FOUR BLESSED LOOKS*
Look back and Thank God. Look forward and Trust God. Look around and Serve God. Look within and Find God!” “I asked God, ‘How do I get the best out of life?’ God said, ‘Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear!'” “Without God, our week is: Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday and Sinday. So, allow Him to be with you every day!”

Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today. Will Rogers

Mary’s Lamb Got Suspended
Mary had a little Lamb, His fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The Lamb was sure to go. He followed her to school each day, T’wasn’t even in the rule. It made the children laugh and play, To have a Lamb at school. And then the rules all changed one day, Illegal it became; To bring the Lamb of God to school, Or even speak His Name! Every day got worse and worse, And days turned into years. Instead of hearing children laugh, We heard gun shots and tears. What must we do to stop the crime, That’s in our schools today? Let’s let the Lamb come back to school, And teach our kids to pray! It is said that 86% of Canadian, American & British people believe in God. Why don’t we just tell the other 14% to be quiet and sit down???? God Bless you

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

“A Woman” This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time. It says: “Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”

This is an eye opener; some probably never thought nor looked at Psalm 23 in this way, even though they say it over and over again. Psalm 23…….. The Lord is my Shepherd That’s Relationship! I shall not want That’s Supply! He maketh me to lie down in green pastures That’s Rest! He leadeth me beside the still waters That’s Refreshment! He restoreth my soul That’s Healing! He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness That’s Guidance! For His name sake That’s Purpose! Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death That’s Testing! I will fear no evil That’s Protection! For Thou art with me That’s Faithfulness! Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me That’s Discipline! Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies That’s Hope! Thou annointest my head with oil That’s Consecration! My cup runneth over That’s Abundance! Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life That’s Blessing! And I will dwell in the house of the Lord That’s Security! Forever That’s Eternity! Face it, the Lord is crazy about you. I thought this was pretty special, just like YOU!!! What is most valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO we have in our lives!

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark…
One: Don’t miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.
I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden.
I asked for a tree, He gave me a forest.
I asked God for a friend, He gave me all of YOU.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer, And jumped up off my knees. My Christian duty was now done My soul could rest at ease….. All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer No time to speak of Christ to friends, They’d laugh at me I’d fear. No time, no time, too much to do, That was my constant cry, No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die. I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God! Held a book; It was the book of life. God looked into his book and said “Your name I cannot find I once was going to write it down… But never found the time”

There’s work to do, deadlines to meet;You’ve got no time to spare,But as you hurry and scurry-ASAP – ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER In the midst of family chaos,”Quality time” is rare. Do your best; let God do the rest-ASAP – ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER. It may seem like your worries are more than you can bear.Slow down and take a breather-ASAP – ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER God knows how stressful life is; He wants to ease our cares, And He’ll respond to all your needs A.S.A.P. – ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER. Prescribed by the Great Physician

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician’s office for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?” Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?” “Oh, no!”, the little girl replied, “Jesus is in my heart… Barney’s on my underpants.”

Taken from my Prayer Cards: ** are my faves

**Keep praying, but be thankful that Gods answers are wiser than your prayers. WM Culbertson.

**God never takes anything from his children unless He means to give them something better. George Mueller

God always builds on ruins. M Judy

**God may seem slow, but He’s never late. Roy Lessin

God insists that we ask, not because HE needs to know our situation, but because WE need the spiritual discipline of asking. Catherine Marshall

When you don’t know what to do — WAIT! God never panics and is never under pressure. Roy Lessin

To be right with God has often meant to be in trouble with men. A. W. Tozer

Everything God does is love– even when we do not understand Him. Basilea Schlink

**Its always easier to say the kind thing to someone than to have to apologize for being unkind. Roy Lessin (I still need to work on this one myself…)

**Usually the area of life of which we are the most defensive in ourselves is the area we are least tolerant of in others and in need of Jesus the most.

When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package.

Only good things come from God’s hands. He never gives you more than you can bear. Every burden prepares you for eternity. Basilea Schlink

When God wants to do His great works He trains somebody to be quiet enough and little enough, then he uses that person. Hudson Taylor

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. Thomas A. Kempis

Your need is so small compared to His ability to meet it.

Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time. German proverb.

You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you. St Augustine

He doeth much that loveth much. Thomas A Kempis

God worketh for him that waiteth for Him.

He who knows himself best esteems himself least. H.G.Bohn

**See Jesus in everything and in everything you will find blessing.

He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg. Chinese proverb

**Man weigh your actions but God weighs your intentions. Thomas A Kempis

The greatest fault is to be conscious of none. Thomas Carlyle

Only these two things I know…I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior. John Newton

There is no one so far lost that Jesus cannot find him and cannot save him. Andrew Murray

Doing little things with a strong desire to please God makes them really great. St Francis De Sales

He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not– to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 Corinthians 1:28, 29

Praise Him for all that is past. Trust him for all that is to come.

And Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees. William Cowper.

Don’t count sheep if you cant sleep. Talk to the Shepherd. P. Frost

The greatness of a mans power is the measure of his surrender. William Booth

** There are large portions of Gods word which we can receive only when we come into the places for which the words were given. J. R. Miller

God, your Father, is greater than your problems. He can solve them all. Put your trust in Him and you will experience this. Basilea Schlink

**God does his deepest work in you when you are in the deepest distress. You see, He loves you too much to let you miss His best.

**Sometimes God says “wait”. When He does his intent is always that He would become more precious to you during the waiting than if he had said “yes” immediately.

**The genuineness of our love for others depends on whether or not we really believe Jesus loves them.

If you abide in Jesus, the very thing you wish for will be exactly what He has been waiting to do for you.

How seldom we weigh our neighbor in the same balance with ourselves.

There is just one way to bring up a child and that is to travel that way yourself. Abraham Lincoln

**As sure as ever God puts His children in the furnace he will be in the furnace with them. C. H. Spurgeon

The Lord gets his best soldiers out of the highlands of affliction. C. H. Spurgeon

**When God closes a door, he usually opens a window.

The best way to deal with a poor self image is to be concerned with the image of Jesus being formed within. Roy Lessin

Whoso draws nigh to God one step through doubtings dim, God will advance a mile in blazing light to him.

**God always gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.

Be patient with yourself and others. There are no shortcuts to spirituality. Growing fruit takes time.

Sin wants to remain unknown, in the darkness. In confession, the light of the Gospel breaks into the darkness and seclusion of the heart. Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Our Heavenly Father is longing to do good things for us. If we arent experiencing His goodness, it is because we really dont believe it. Basilea Schlink

The man who is poor in spirit is the man who has realized that things mean nothing, and God means everything. William Barclay.

We find the Christian life so difficult because we seek for God’s blessing while we live in our own will. Andrew Murray

Legend of the Dogwood tree.. For Easter 🙂
Two thousand years ago, few trees in the Middle East were big enough to construct anything. However, one tree was valued above the others for its thick trunk and fine, strong wood.
When the Romans came to rule over Jerusalem, their government used this same timber to build the crosses for executing criminals. A group of workers were assigned to gather wood for the crosses. Before long, every Roman official knew the best wood came from these gatherers of execution wood, so those workers became popular.
One day, the wood gatherers received a special request. An officer of the Roman court came and said, “The King of Jews is to be put to death. Deliver an extra-large cross made from your finest wood.” So, a fresh tree was cut from the forest of the trees with thick trunks and fine, strong wood. An extra-tall (and extra-heavy) cross was quickly made and delivered.
Three days after the death of Jesus of Nazereth, the chief wood gatherer got alarming news. “All of our finest trees are withering!” the messenger whispered. The wood gatherer hurried to the forest and saw that it was true.
Several years later, the chief wood gatherer heard that, every spring, many people visited the old forest that had once made his job so easy. Despite his advancing years, he set out to discover why. He saw the remains of forest, now like a salty bottoms, with only a few trees still standing tall, bare, lifeless and rotting.    But what was this? As he drew closer, his feeble eyes could make out the people walking among thousands of beautiful, flowering bushes. Seeing one of his own workers there, the old man said, “No one could ever make a cross out of this twisted wood. Our finest tree has gone to the dogs!” He noticed the beautiful white flowers, each blossom looking as if it had been burned from the touch of a miniature cross.
As told to Ben Baston by his grandmother, Louise Brown.
There Is A Legend: At the time of Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus nailed upon it, sensed this.
In His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering Jesus said to the tree:
” Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross–two long and two short petals. And in the center of the outer edge of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember.”
The pink dogwood is said to be blushing
for shame because of the cruel purpose
which it served in the Crucifixion.
The weeping dogwood further symbolized the sorrow.
The red dogwood, called the Cherokee, bears the color to remind us of the blood shed by our Savior.

a Very Special Person Walter Ellert

June 5 1932 ~ November 5 2007

For as long as I can remember back to when I was little, there was a family friend who just showed up on our doorstep every now and then to visit. This wonderful visitor became known to me as “Uncle Walter”. I was always excited to see him because he always brought treats. He always took the smallest kids up on his knee and told us stories about all his sweethearts and all his travels. He had a gruff voice and a strong accent. Uncle Walter adored children and we were all his sweethearts. Maybe he was my first impressions of Santa Claus?

When I grew up the surprise visits continued with my kids. They all loved the gummi bears!!  He brought big chocolate bars too and he protected the kids from having parents seize ‘too many’ sweets! I remember once he showed up a few days before Chantelle’s birthday June 6th. We begged him to stay for a longer visit and surprised him with his own birthday cake on June 5th. We made his day and he was so happy. When he settled in our home town to retire, the visits continued with my grand daughter also.

He was very sick for a long time and we thought we would lose him a few years ago. Uncle Walter never seemed to have much for material possessions, but he had the biggest caring heart of anyone I know. He really knew the meaning of life and the most important thing was being with friends and family.

I think this Bible verse is so fitting for Uncle Walter. He was always surrounded by kids.

“But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.” Mark 10:14

 **Rest in Peace Uncle Walter, Love You and Miss You Always!!**

Walter was born in Lakendorf Grosses-Werder, Germany – one of eight children of Freida and Otto Ellert. He immigrated to Canada in 1957 and worked in many construction jobs across the country. In the mid-sixties he settled in northern B.C. living in Stewart, Terrace and Dease Lake where he developed a passion for jade mining. Terrace became his permanent home upon retirement. He had many great adventures and many interesting tales to tell.

He is survived by his sisters Herta and Edith, his brother Kurt, nephew Rainer, nieces Gabriella (Gabi) and Birgit and their families – all in Germany.

There will be a brief informal gathering for those wishing to pay their last respects at The Royal Canadian Legion on Sat. Nov 17th at 1:00 p.m. Children are welcome until 3:00 p.m. when the lounge opens. He did not wish to have a funeral service and his ashes will be scattered in the mountains he so loved at a later date.

I WISH

I wish I could be the one by your side holding hands, strolling along a beach as waves caress our feet, the sun warms our complexions, and a cool breeze stirs the air; 
I wish I could be the one by your side beholding the wonders of nature–majestic mountains, towering trees, rushing rivers, and budding blossoms
I wish I could be the one by your side savoring the scents of fresh cut grass, cedar trees, wild flowers and mountain streams;
I wish I could be the one by your side on a hillside bluff admiring the radiant colors of a summer sunset, then gazing at, and wishing upon shooting stars;
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing the excitement of discovering something new; 
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing stories, secrets, riddles, and knowledge, to bond and to grow; 
I wish I could be the one by your side sharing an ice cream sundae—one bowl, one spoon, and kissing away the chocolate sauce; 
I wish I could be the first to hear of your good news, happy moments and latest jokes; 
I wish I could be the one you turn to first for a shoulder to lean on, or a listening ear in times of trouble; 
I wish I could be the one to kiss your toes, sharing soft touches, tickles, and silly giggles; 
I wish I could be the one making love with you in the moonlight, time standing still….tender kisses….gentle words….then waking up in your arms to the dancing of the morning sun; 
I wish I could be the one to hold your heart, precious and dear, close to mine; 
I wish I could be the one granted the freedom to love you like no other; 
If only I could be this one, would be the luckiest lady in the whole wide world! 
Written for Darrel C. L. Koehl                                          ~Jackie Rioux   April 14, 2000   

This is a poem that I wrote in April 2000. It was written after the man I was seeing broke up with me. At the time I thought he was very special.  I have had a lot of compliments on this poem,  so I still include it in my website.  
Looking back and realizing that everything happens for a reason, I realized that my whole relationship with Darrel was a learning experience to open my heart and give me hope for more wonderful things to come.  I also learned that the worst hurt in love is to love someone so much, only to think that he didn’t feel quite the same, regardless of his initial determination in dating me. Despite my knowing that we had outside factors against us in pursuing a romantic relationship, I let down my guard and loved him dearly.
We would talk for hours on end. I don’t think he ever realized what a gift that was to me in how he always knew what kind of day I had had just by the way I said “hi”. He would just let me (or make me!) talk it out until I felt better, or until he fell asleep.
He moved away from our hometown, and it took me a long time to admit that he was the reason I left our hometown as well. Darrel loved care packages from me whether it was baking, or music, or random gifts. I gave him a handmade cross stitch picture in a frame that said “I love you just the way you are”. He kept it on display for years. A favorite memory, for me, was that he said I was predictable. His next care package was rigged with spring loaded confetti. He learned not to test me.

Since I worked at the post office, I would send letters and packages to him then he would call or visit every day. He was pretty mad one time when his brother ate all the cookies I made for him.

In September of 2000, he invited me to go visit him so I drove through the night to Grande Prairie. I had never been there before, no GPS, and didn’t have a proper address other than he was living in an apartment. Yet somehow I managed to be already sitting outside his window when he called to give directions. 

He kept calling for two years until he met his wife, and I met my husband. In December of 2003, we ran into each other in our hometown with our respective spouses. Darrel walked past our table and only said “Merry Christmas”. Little did he know then that that chance meeting was the end of my marriage that was already failing. I had this uncanny thing about seeing him in my dreams then running into him a week later. 

Fall 2004: Darrel happened to be in town visiting relatives. He and I had a chance to catch up a bit. He was doing very well for himself creating the picture perfect life that his parents always wanted for him.

I thought it was sweet of Darrel to finally admit that he had actually cared about me when we were together, and he was sorry I had been hurt so much in breaking up. He had heard about my recent failed marriage, and told me to “hold out for someone who deserves me”.

Unfortunately, this picture perfect life did not last for him. In 2011, we connected again through social media. His marriage had fallen apart, but he had two wonderful children from that experience.

Fall 2015: Yet another brief connection for a night and a time to catch up. Up until now, there had been a few phone calls and connections. As always, our families have been connected in various ways, even if we were not directly communicating often. After all, he had grown up in the same neighborhood as me, and our families had been friends for many years.

Update Summer 2018: We connected again for a few months and caught up on many things with Darrel calling every day. What I have learned is that Darrel and I have always had a strong “soul connection” through life. Having known Darrel for 35 years at this point, I have realized we have had many more connections than just these updates. From the time he lived up the street from me when we were young, to all our family friend connections, to meeting him again later in life… no matter where we were in life, or who we were with, we always seem to come back into each other’s lives at key times for more soul lessons. Years ago I had to let him go to live his life and gain experiences he needed. Connecting again in the summer of 2018 showed me that he has indeed grown and learned valuable lessons. And he still holds a special place in my heart. As well, I have now told him to “hold out for someone who deserves him”. I just wish it would be me. Yes, he knows beyond a doubt how I have always felt about him. 

Update February 2019. I received a message from an intuitive regarding Darrel, that at some point my prayers will be answered. It is just his timing and some life factors that are separating us right now.
******************************************

Years ago my song for Darrel was “November Rain” by Guns n Roses, because “nothing lasts forever, not even cold November Rain”. However all these years later, I heard a song much more fitting for the way I have felt about him: Jonny Houlihan “Feels Like Home”. When you have a soul connection with someone, their heartbeat feels like home. Ironically, this was always something I had told Darrel.  Another beautiful song from Jonny Houlihan is “Couldn’t Love You More”. Funny note here: I have never been much of  a country fan, yet back in January 1999, a “psychic” told me I would fall for a country boy. At that time, I told her where to go and how to get there lol! I am more of a rocker fan. Yet six months later, Darrel was that country boy, and yes I fell hard. He had pursued me relentlessly for 3 months before I finally agreed to date him. I had written a 15 page letter with all the reasons we shouldn’t date. He read it and said “Let’s go”. He always read my letters, even long ones. 

Am I waiting for this elusive man to step up to the plate and pursue a romantic relationship with me again, now that the previous factors against us have been resolved over time? I do know that Darrel has always been my “ideal” man, and so far no one else has measured up to how I have felt about him. But, in healing my own past, and continuously balancing my own energy I always ask to align with a happy healthy romantic relationship with Darrel, or BETTER.
So far, “better” hasn’t shown up yet, and who knows what will ever come of the soul connection I have had with Darrel. I go on with my own life and leave a sliver of a window open for him, or BETTER!!

March 2021: Soul journeys and life lessons: I have learned much through the course of my life. As an energy practitioner, I have done extensive work on myself regarding my past, and much work to fully absolve my own past patterns of dysfunctional romantic relationships. I have worked on the “relationship” and soul ties that I have shared with Darrel, and I have had assistance from other practitioners as well to address whatever life lessons we are here to learn. Despite this extensive work, I still feel there is a life lesson left between us. Whether that means that something will happen to completely sever and end the soul ties between us, or that we may actually come together in a happy healthy reunion as predicted, that all remains to be seen. My heart is open to future possibilities, whatever they may be. I am holding out for “someone who deserves me”. Whether it will be Darrel that steps up to be that man, who knows. My story with Darrel makes me think of the Johnny Cash movie “Walk the Line” as we have both had failed relationships but continuous connections through life.

My original poem written for him was from my heart. 

Darrel November 2015, and July 2018

 

 

More random Darrel memories and therapeutic writing, sharing memories from my hurting heart:

October 1 2021 
– When he moved away, his mom had a garage sale so I bought a nightstand for $10. Darrel was pissy because he spent $100 on it. I still have it and when he was last here I still teased him about it. 
– My dresser still has a broken leg from the time he dragged it across the floor. I would bug him about that randomly. 
– He would tease me about “always washing dishes” whenever he called or came over. I finally invested in a dishwasher that I had for 20 years. 
– he loved all my energy work and said it helped him sleep better, feel more focused. Once I had a “bad” feeling about his son so asked him to check. His son had been bullied at school that day so Darrel was thankful for the heads up to deal with it quickly. 

 

October 2 2021: I had some help with having an energy balancing session for myself yesterday. Had to get my soul balanced back in my body because I just don’t want to be here anymore now. So many what if’s. If I hadn’t missed his last calls. If I had only waited 15 more minutes. If I had only be more clear with my intentions back in 2015, would he have made different choices other than the one that screwed up his life and energy then. He wasn’t the same Darrel I knew. In 2018 we talked a lot about his own healing path, how he had grown in understanding and emotional maturity. He LOVED the energy work we were doing together. But then he made another choice again. This past year, every time we talked, he was grateful for any energy healing help to get him on track again. I thought it was only a matter of time before he would be back to the Darrel I knew and to step into his Divine Masculine again. I was so sad to realize just how unworthy he felt, and how he felt he never lived up to expectations. If only we had been “allowed” to love with our hearts rather than by others expectations. 
Oh how I wish I could turn back time. How I wish I could have known about the accident or had a chance to see him before he passed. If only I had called him again or hadn’t missed his last calls in the last two weeks. Would things have turned out different? From the few details I know so far, it is my opinion that this could have been a preventable event and if the cause is what I think it is, I hope his family can follow up legal recourse for his kids sake. 

I remember when we broke up, the reason we broke up was that he was moving away to chase the oil boom. And he wanted to have kids of his own. He knew how upset I was and he let me cry for 3 hours, soaking his shirt, curled up together. Then I did get to visit him after he moved away., and he kept calling for 2 years til he met Allison. He loved her and she had his kids. He had counted down the days of dating her. I knew she was special and I had to love him enough to let him go. That marriage didn’t work out though, and it seemed that Darrel always came back to me after break ups for a listening ear and support.

He complained about girls who were so materialistic and gold diggers and just messed up his life. I don’t know what all his other relationships were like, but I always remember that he was quite adamant that he never cheated on me when we were together. He was supposed to get married again but thankfully that didn’t happen. From all he told me, that fiance drove a wedge between him and his kids. He felt ugly and unloved with her as well. (That hurt my heart so much!!). Since January 2021, all our calls were about him trying to heal from that experience. When I called him for his birthday, he was almost in tears thanking me for all I said to him. Again I realized that he felt unworthy of me too. Yet I always felt that it was his family that thought I wasn’t good enough for him and he had to live up to their expectations. I have always told him that I loved him and finally got really blunt and told him I wanted him in MY life as a relationship again. We kept missing each others calls though. 
Now, I just feel so empty and trying to hang on because my heart misses him so much. 

In an angel card reading July 2018, Soul Mate card came up. Darrel started calling regularly soon after that. In another reading, his grandma Lucy came through to say thank you for all the work I have done with her grandson, she also sent rainbows. More recently, I kept getting messages and cards about Answered Prayers and Soul Mate again as well. So I was quite hopeful that my “wish” poem would finally come true. 

How I know we’ve been soul connected? First off the dreams when I would see him and then run into him within a week later, no matter where we were. The fact that I could tune into his energy and have a pretty good idea what he was feeling. He always confirmed I was accurate. I don’t know why I didn’t get intuitive alarm when he was going to have an accident. Or maybe I did but didn’t realize it, or my soul didn’t want to face the inevitable. I just know his energy felt really strong around me the last few weeks. 
In October 2020, I had a series of dreams that were downright strange to the point that I got some help deciphering them. It was all past life/ ancestral stuff coming up for healing, including having to correct a bad marriage choice for both of us. I later found out that this was when he broke up with his fiance the last time. 
Also in 2018 I had set him up with a few other energy healers. He learned much about his other relationships and past lives with them, and me. Every one that had worked with us picked up on a very strong soul connection over many lives. 

October 2 2021:
When Darrel initially wanted to date me, he warned me he was a steam engine. There was one night he attacked me on the dance floor. Everyone thought I was going to take him home that night lol. Nope. But when I finally did give in, everything between us was intense. I have been married twice but never felt so much for them as I had for Darrel. I loved his laugh, his dimples, and his kisses.
I knew his friends must have bugged him about me sometimes. I remember a few times he got a bit of a lisp and stutter in his frustration but that didn’t stop him from being with me.
When we connected in 2018, talking every day for months, I told him then I regretted not being more forward about my rekindled feelings for him when he stayed with me in 2015. Maybe he would not have got involved with that fiancé that ruined him.
He loved all my energy healing and balancing so much and he sounded different and better every time I talked to him. But then the ex roped him again.
In January 2021, he had so much rage and anger about allowing himself to go back to that ex. I told him that I had kept him on my energy healing list all along. He said that was probably the only reason he wasn’t dead yet. I begged him to take care of himself because I couldn’t bear losing him that way. The things he told me about her hurt my heart for him. He wanted to get plastic surgery. I kept telling him that I always thought he was good looking and he has a beautiful soul. (I recently asked about his spiritual lessons and one was “accepting my body as it is”). He was so angry, which I know is an outward expression of sadness and we talked about that. I reminded him that his dad had a heart attack around same age and that he needs to take care of his heart and release all the anger. He brushed it off saying that wouldn’t happen to him. 
He was doing a lot of soul searching again. In April he let me know he checked himself into the hospital to get more help and healing. He said the energy healing must be working. Over the next few months he continued to sound better and more hopeful. He promised to call me if he got to town again in the next while. With world craziness, that didn’t happen.

October 3 2021:
When we were talking so much in 2018, he seemed to enjoy hearing and experiencing all I shared with him about energy healing. I had explained my journey. After I had explained some notes of what came up on him that particular day he said “And only 3650 days to go!”. I was confused. He said that I had told him that it took me 10 years to get where I was in my healing journey and he figured that long for him as well. I reassured him that I had been learning along the way so it took me longer in gathering my energy toolbox. For me my healing was like taking a chisel to a mountain. In working with him at that point, it was like I had a wrecking ball to tackle his past traumas mountain instead. He liked that. 
I finally had some popcorn last night. Still no solid food since I got the news. All I am thinking is that this is NOT the way I wanted to shed weight. I had joked with Darrel in recent months of other ways to shed weight but that didn’t happen either. 
I continue to do my night time soul work and hope that his soul is healing all he needs to to go on to his next soul mission. My humanness is in so much pain that I could not have him here in physical form again in this life. We never know quite what our souls sign up for. When Larry passed I had to learn that when a final trauma is pending, the soul jumps out of the physical body to not feel the trauma but the soul also hangs around until the final breath and letting go of the physical earth plane. 
Putting pieces of information together here, I now understand that Darrel may have left his physical body Sept 24 2021 around the time of the accident/ heart attack. I do remember that I did not sleep well that night at all, I was stressed and awake most of the night but related it to other events that day. As with Andy and Larry, my soul connection to each of them was so strong, it was confusing to me as to why I did not get any intuitive alarms as to when they passed, or didn’t recognize the signs. Or could I have done anything to prevent the outcome. The lesson seems to be always the same, that we have no control over another’s soul journey, and we have exit points. They chose theirs at those points and we just have to accept that their soul has gone on to their next soul mission. Their time here was done. 

 

I also had an energy healer intuitive reach out that night to offer some healing. It is only now after news of his passing that we realize how that all lined up on soul level work. Sometimes I really hate intuitive senses, and yet it is freakily accurate to explain what our logic mind cannot comprehend. I feel dead inside, numbness I cannot explain. Different from other lost loved ones. I feel like I can’t see any more future now. Whats the point? Why do we have so much stuff and what happens to that when we are gone? What did I sign up for with Darrel in this life, soul wise? To feel the wretched loss of unresolved and unrequited love? We always seemed to have outside factors against us, missed timings by just mere minutes each time we came together. I have learned to trust Divine Timing, and yet with Darrel, I have always cried out WHY??????? Why these missed timings? Why could we not be together? I figured out that energetically he felt rejected by me, and unworthy. Our last calls were me telling him directly that I have never rejected him, that I did want him. I told him a few times that out of all the billions of people on earth, I still chose him. Now I can only wonder if that is what his soul needed to hear from me as a final life lesson before he left this plane. I have often told him that our soul connection transcends time space and dimension, but I still wanted him on the physical plane. Now my humanness is confused and hurting as to why I was led to say those things to him. To give his soul permission to go on to the next plane of existence? 

I always felt like Darrel was a male version of me. I am remembering some silly things. While he appreciated quality items, he also appreciated resourceful bargains. I remember driving with him one time and he saw an old style wire LP record holder in the ditch. He had to grab it because you never know what it would come in handy for. I noticed it was in his mom’s garage sale after he moved lol. In other conversations he had to tell me about some bargains and good deals he got. That night table I have, he was so mad that I got it for $10 when he paid $100 for it. He loved music and he loved to dance, although I could not keep up with his two stepping country style. I asked him to teach me to keep up with him that way. Slow dancing was nicer. I remember being on the dance floor one night with him. We knew there was someone off to the side teasing about us being together. He said to ignore them and just held me closer. 

I know that when souls pass, that things are so happy and peaceful in heaven on the other side. They do not feel human emotions as we do. They have ways of sending us messages and each time Larry came through he has always said he wants to see us happy. Larry also said that he steps into humans to give his kids a hug now and then. Now I understood why I was choked up in tears when my other sons hugged me. I “felt” like it was Larry hugging me. Now I wonder if Darrel will do the same. His kids were his life, so if anyone of his family reads this, please hug his kids often and hope that he is hugging them too. I know also that passed souls are multidimensional and can be in several places at once so he can choose to visit any one of us any time. 
So many times recently, intuitives have “seen” us holding hands and very happy. I just didn’t know it would be him on the other side instead. 

When Darrel had heard about my failed marriage years ago, I admitted that I just fell for the next guy that came along because I knew Darrel was marrying Allison and we were “done” then. He told me he wished I had called him because he would have told me not to get married but to hold out for someone who deserves me. While I was sad for him when his marriage ended, I was also hopeful that maybe we could have another chance together. Our last calls this year I asked him several times to show me what I deserve since he was the one who said it originally. And he was so ruined from his last experience that I wanted to show him what he deserved in having a woman that truly cared for his heart. He admitted that he was too easily influenced by “crazy” women all along, but he knew I was different. Actually he called some of the girls he dated “Stage 5 Clingers”. That was the first time I had heard that term. He said I was not one of them, that I do ok. Whatever that was supposed to mean. 

Part of me is feeling so much and then part of me is rationalizing and wondering if all this soul connection feeling was only one sided. Maybe I am just crazy? I feel like I have always been a hidden secret in my feelings for him. But, he always called. He always talked to me no matter what, and he seemed to appreciate my insights and words. I felt a pull between us, and I think he did too. The more I cleared our energy, the stronger our connection felt.
He has so many others in his life that shared a connection with him as well. I suppose we each have our own feelings and validations that way. Definitely a beautiful soul and much loved. He always took it upon himself to protect his loved ones. 

After I had taken training for the Black Pearl and CCMBA techniques, I wanted to practice distant remote on someone first before offering to clients. Darrel had not been sleeping well at all, maybe 2 hours in a stretch. He agreed and called me before he went to bed as you need to be resting for this technique procedure. I used my son Jared as a surrogate body and sent the energy healing to Darrel. Jared would benefit as well. Jared chattered through the whole procedure instead of falling asleep like most people do. I thought it didn’t work at all. Well, Jared ended up sleeping 11 hours that night, and following up with Darrel, he slept 9 hours straight and hit the snooze button several times in the morning. I guess it all worked lol. For his birthday, I offered to give him an in person treatment if he wanted to come here any time soon. He loved that idea.. but again.. didn’t happen. I had so much I was looking forward to with him.  

I have many energy healer and intuitive friends. Some are way more visual and clairvoyant than me. My intuitive gifts are just an innate knowingness and sensing of energies around me. Sometimes in conversations with these friends, random messages come through. I have had several times people who knew nothing of Andy have asked me who the dark haired man behind me is. I know Andy is always around me as my spirit guide now. In chatting with one friend, she had asked about this man behind me. She did know about Darrel and my connections to him, but not Andy. I don’t think she knew that Darrel and Andy knew each other either. Anyway, she told me that Andy “adored” me and he was sending messages to Darrel to come closer to be and not miss out on being with me. 
All these messages are confusing to me now that Darrel is gone. I wonder the soul contracts we had and if we inadvertently changed those through our choices and missed timings. In past life readings, we were told that Darrel and I had been together many times, but there had been a lot of betrayal and rejection between us. I suppose we were still healing through that in this life because I don’t understand how Darrel felt “rejection” from me with all I have ever said to him. 

His parents moved to Prince George many years ago. I got to meet his Grandma Lucy then and became quite close with her. At one point Lucy told me that I would have been good for Darrel, but that was when he was married to Allison, so at that point not possible. It was just a comment that later added to my hopes that Darrel would chose me again. We lost touch for a while after they all moved out to Grande Prairie. I drove Lucy out to Grande Prairie in Cliff’s truck to help them move. Lucy and I had hurting sides from laughing so much on that trip. 
Thyra, Darrel’s mom, called me when Lucy passed away. I was on a road trip to thru the Fraser valley right then. I pulled over on the side of the highway and bawled my eyes out for a while. I always thought it interesting that it was soon after Lucy’s passing that I was introduced to energy work modalities and started that part of my healing soul journey, and how that benefited Darrel so much when we later connected again. Lucy was very much like my sense of humor and silliness while Thyra was much more stoic and serious. We had so much fun with our visits, but it was hard for me being close to them but not being able to be close to Darrel at that time. 

Darrel told me about having a feast of cold cuts and buns left over from a family gathering. I was shocked at his appetite. He told me “just you wait til your son is a teenager, he’ll eat you out of house and home. They are human garbage cans”. My son was about 8 then but yes when Jared was a teenager he did have a huge appetite just like Darrel predicted. 

October 4 2021:
I managed to eat some dinner yesterday evening. I did sleep but woke up several times. I tried to eat this morning but gagged so ate something later on. My body is definitely feeling the shock and grief. I weighed myself. I think I lost about 8 lbs in the last few days. My “big sis” Ruth called yesterday to check on me. She has been a dear friend for about 30 years. She is unfortunately well versed in the grief process and she is a good pep talker. Thoughts shared: We’re all going some time, some sooner than others. We don’t know anyone else’s soul journey or what exit point they will choose or when they choose to leave this plane. We’re in 3D thinking here. They have moved to 5D.
She also put into words my feelings right now: That I have lost my hope. Exactly.
Darrel was my safe space and my HOPE. I feel completely deflated and dead inside. My heart died with him. It’s like I can’t feel, yet tears and shock still come up here and there.

I had a breakdown this morning. It hit me again thinking back on conversations and letters. I realized how many times I told him that our soul connection transcends time, space, and dimension, and that “I love your soul”. WTF?????????? I have never said those words to anyone else. Yet I said them to Darrel many times and especially recently. It is downright freaky and unsettling to realize how much our souls knew that time was coming soon… I told him a few times lately that the world has gone crazy and I am scared. I am tired of being strong and just wanted to have that safe space with him again. To listen to his heart beat and feel like home again. Ironically, I found a song with those words a while ago and told him about that too. (Johnny Houlihan Feels like Home).

My earliest memories of Darrel where him about age 4 as they lived up the street from us. His grandparents lived across the street. Just an added note here that for my wedding when I was 18, we used his grandfather’s Lincoln Continental for our wedding car. His grandfather also helped build our family furnace. And his step grandmother took two of my dogs as their family pets.
Although living in the same town, I hadn’t seen Darrel for years until one night when my sister and best friend went out dancing at a local night club. They chatted with some doorman and I found a table for us. My sister asked me if I recognized the doorman. Nope. She knew him through her then fiance, and my bestie knew him from her retail work where he shopped. I walked up to him working at the bar loading glasses into the washer, looked up at him and asked who he was. “Darrel Koehl”. I was shocked that he was all grown up from the youngster I had known years ago. He asked me who I was “Jackie Haselmeyer”. He recognized me and my name! And so began the 3 months of him relentlessly pursuing me. He was always looking for me any time I was out and about and cornered me often. So much fun with all that attention. Good thing I liked him lol. I just didn’t think it was a good idea to date him. He would not let up though. Pretty sure we started dating in September 1999, until the next year when he moved away. Yet he kept in touch often after that as well.

Darrel was always the one to call me, regularly and often. We would go through phases over the years of keeping in touch now and then. We always had this “pull” between us. Just pick up where we left off no matter how much time had passed. In January 2021, I was the one who initiated the calls. I cannot explain now the urgency I felt and the weight of this pull to call him and talk to him. And I didn’t even call him as much as I wanted to, now thinking back. But he loved my messages and would always call back to chat. I just “needed” to tell him so many things, to encourage him, to tell him I loved him dearly.
I did tell him several times that I wanted to figure out this soul connection between us, but I didn’t get to tell him that I signed up for Akashic records courses and my intention was to learn about our soul connection.

After Larry died, and Andy, I realized many things that were signs that we “knew” beforehand. I just have always brushed off and denied those intuitive hits because I never wanted to face them. I felt an urgency to take pictures the last time I saw them. That same urgency to SPEAK UP and say my heart feelings to them. I got hugs from Andy and Larry, and a hug and kiss from Darrel.
My only consolation is that I did get to say direct and personal things to each of them. They knew beyond a doubt what they meant to me. With Darrel, my messages and the last time we actually spoke… he knew exactly what I thought and felt.

I used to see Darrel in dreams and then run into him soon afterwards. He has been in many dreams this past year, but almost always “over there”, like I could not get to him. Some dreams were past life stuff coming up for healing. Others were just weird. Sometimes I saw us dancing happily and there were a few times I woke up giggling. I told him he was in my dreams but I couldn’t remember details of those dreams, just the ones I needed to do healing work. I don’t usually dream much these days, but pretty sure all dreams I have had in the last couple years all had Darrel in them if even just in the background.

Part of me is feeling like I must sound like a crazed fan or something. Those who do not understand spirituality and soul connection would probably think I am beyond nuts. The fact remains that I have poured my heart and soul out to Darrel many many times and he was always still there to listen, even if I said “weird stuff”. He loved my energy healing too, so that says something that he was fine with me and that is really all that counts. Yet I regret that my connection was with him and not his family and I was not informed about his passing directly. Just found out through social media. If I had known he was in hospital and I could have got there at all, I would have made that 6 hour drive in a heartbeat. When I found out about Andy’s funeral confirmed date, I was on the highway within an hour. This part hurts so much. But not a damn thing I can do about it now. My kids knew about Darrel from years past but I didn’t tell them I was in touch with Darrel so much again this past year. All my energy healer friends knew though because he always came up in my energy field in my own healing work. And it all seemed like he was coming closer, that maybe my wish would finally come true, that my prayers would be answered.

So now, my first reactions are panic because I wonder if I am next. I keep feeling like pending finality, that I need to get my affairs in order. Darrel was my last hope and I feel like giving up and leaving too. (No, I am not suicidal!…. my kids still need me!). I just cannot describe this feeling I have of not being able to see the future. And all this time, I have not seen it much even before he passed. It is just a more pronounced feeling now. I am scared, yet ok. And feel awful that I am ok with feeling what I feel. Yet I don’t want to leave my kids and grandkids any time soon.

This connection Darrel and I had, years ago he could read me so easily. It was strange yet comforting. He always liked to joke though just to get a rise out of me. When he first moved to GP, we talked about 2 am one night. He said he was in a body cast because he fell at his new job. After I freaked out, he told me he was joking.
The way I talk about him now with having a beautiful soul (I have said that many times to him too), you might think he is a saint. Well, he probably is now, but I am not naive in thinking he was perfect. He was just MY perfect. He could be like any man and he has had times of being irresponsible, insensitive, and inappropriate. I remember one particular time that he upset someone else because of a misunderstanding between us. I was so mad at him that I wrote him a letter to get all my thoughts out in order. He called about 30 times in two hours. I was sure I pissed him off bad and ignored the phone. When one of the kids accidentally answered it then gave it to me, his first words were “THANK YOU. I am going to frame that letter”. Huh??? He explained that yes he was madder than hell, but he went for a walk, kicked some rocks and thought about it all… and I was right.
That was the one and only time that ever happened. He always read my rambling letters. It’s like he knew I always shared some sort of wisdom with him through my rambling thoughts. He always strived to be better. When we connected back in 2018, he said he didn’t like texting or reading long texts from anyone, but he read mine.

He knew I could tune into his energy and get a pretty good idea what was going on, and he would confirm it. He was always thankful and appreciative when I cleared his energy and got rid of any upsets. He sounded better too. I work on myself lots at bedtime and I always check in on my family as well to see if anyone needs energy clearing. I have continued to do this with Darrel the last few years as well. He had given me permission long time ago to just go ahead any time. In this past while, “fear of aging” came up for him so many times. I was so hurt for him that he thought he needed surgery, that he was trying so hard to hang on to his youth. This all from that horrible relationship that ruined him as the confident and cocky Darrel I knew before. I kept telling him he was beautiful and sexy to me. He was. And I loved that he had aged and matured. If only he could have seen himself through my eyes. He was becoming more himself again though. I was so hopeful and happy.

Our souls go through this human experience to heal our ancestral past. Everyone is doing that now on the earth plane. Now I realize that anything I had done in the week before Darrel passed was probably helping him towards transition. As an energy practitioner, it is supposed to be an honor to be able to help souls cross when it is their time. But when it is a loved one and a cherished soul connection, I feel sick to my stomach. Larry has come through with messages from the other side randomly several times since he passed. I would just been talking with a friend or even a stranger who happens to be intuitive and they get a message for me sometimes without even realizing who it is from. Larry has thanked me each time for all the work I did the night that he passed because it helped him transition quickly. Trapped energies and emotions are heavy, so releasing all that lets the soul pass easily, when it is their time to go. For all us still here, releasing trapped energies brings happiness and inner peace.

For anyone reading, thank you for allowing me a space to vent my thoughts from my hurting heart. Maybe my musings and memories might help another soul out there understand the depth of soul connections and that kind of love shared.

October 5 2021: I woke up this morning with the words “death before dishonor” repeating in my mind. In my vows chart, this is a common vow that comes up for people and I know it has come up for Darrel previously as well. My easiest way to describe this one is from some cultures who are very adamant to keeping their values and or image and will choose to die before dishonoring themselves or their families. I am not sure how this applies to Darrel right now or why I was getting that phrase this morning. I called a Court of Atonement for his lineages though to address resolution of causes of death and that energy seemed to dissipate.
Today I have just felt an overwhelming sense of just being a hidden secret, that only he ever knew our deep soul connection and not anyone else of his family or friends. Honestly, I doubt they would understand anyway.
This afternoon I have been trying to clean out client and friend emails as I have gotten behind there again.
I have a dear friend Sonya who works energetically with animals. Back at the end of July, we lost two of our cats. She has been in touch with me via email and Zoom when we can. I met her on the cruise in 2019. She sent me some information back September 8 2021 and I now just realized she shared with me a video from an animal communicator in New York. The video is on Death and Dying. (Synchronicity and Divine Timing that I come across that TODAY?)
I took some time to watch this video and bawled my eyes out yet again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bF8UTZgFKc
What stood out for me in the video was the story of the woman crossing over and finding her lost love and dancing. I can only pray that will be me and Darrel when it is my time to go.
The other part that brought torrential tears again was the quote “I left not when you were furthest from my body, but when you were closest to my heart”.
One of the last things I ever said to Darrel was reiterating a line from his poem above “I want to hold your heart close to mine precious and dear”. His energy was weighing on me so heavily the last week before I found out he passed, and now I understand that he may have been on life support for a few days? I still don’t know any details, but I know I was awake ALL night Sept 24th. Maybe his soul was reaching out and maybe I just wasn’t able to understand any messages as that is not really my gift. Maybe I will be able to develop those spiritual gifts in the near future. All I know is that I have been doing night time soul work for a few years so I can only trust that whatever soul work was done in those days before he passed was helpful for his new soul journey and mission.

October 6 2021:
I got on a practitioner group call this morning and immediately broke down. I am feeling like the forbidden outcast, that I am not allowed to love Darrel as much as I do. I am so grateful for my energy healer friends right now to help me get through this. They understand the energetic and spiritual realms and are in my corner knowing I am not crazy. They understand that I am just very spiritually and soul connected, and very broken hearted right now.
Some people have very unique spiritual gifts. I have been told several times that Darrel and I have shared several life times of lessons so far. It just really felt that this time might be a beautiful reunion finally. So this morning I was told that the reason our connection is SO strong is because of a relationship in Egypt 5 lifetimes back. Interesting. Also mentioned a spiritual theory that we only have a certain number of heart beats in our lifetimes. When our number is up, it is time to go. Regardless of the physical causes of death, the heartbeat stops and the other physical effects come afterwards. This goes along with what I have learned about traumatic deaths that the soul leaves just beforehand so as to not have to experience the trauma that the physical body endures. Also to note, one energy healer suggested that Darrel may be in the soul healing stage of transition. Once fully ascended, souls can come visit us when they choose to.
As much as I do not like dealing with death, I have been forced to with these losses and the timing is just right that now I am super curious if an “in between” is my next level of spiritual gifts unfolding. Maybe that is how Darrel is supposed to be with me in helping others cross over, because we know there are going to be a lot more in the next while. We never quite understand til it happens.
The more I think about all our conversations the past few years, particularly the last 3 years, I looked back in the letters and texts and realize how many times I have said to him “I love your soul” and “listen to your soul”. I have been married twice and I have many wonderful people in my life, but I have not said those words to anyone else ever. There were lots of other things I said to Darrel that were for him exclusively as well, but those are intimate. I found some limericks I wrote for him last year I think (2020). I’ll share two. The other ones were for his eyes only. Darrel certainly brought out a poetic side of me that no one else quite touched in me.

There was a man from Grande Prairie,
he used to be steam engine daring.
Thru life’s twisty turns,
I think he’s been burned,
and I’m curious to know how he’s faring.

There was a good man named Koehl
a gent with a beautiful soul
he’s called a few times
to a lady of rhymes
does he want to go for a stroll?

October 6 2021 evening: Darrel June 23, me May 20. We’re both on the cusp meaning more intuitive, and on the cusp of Gemini has been our mutual “wild side”. Cancer and Taurus. Perfect match in so many ways. I have many intimate moment memories I will always cherish with him. Some crazy fun memories too.
I was not the one who got to marry him or have his kids. (Although he was the one man for whom I would have gladly got a reversal if he had asked). I was not the one to get to go on crazy adventures and trips, or have pictures plastered on social media. In fact, like Larry and Andy, I do not have a single picture of Darrel and me together.
What I do have though, is an unmistakable cherished soul connection and a heart connection that is eternal. Just as our mutual Spiritual Lessons proclaim “Follow your Soul Mission” and “You are eternal”. He has just gone before me to his next soul mission.
What I do have is the consolation that I got to see Darrel at some of his lowest points in life and to encourage him to find himself again. I remember once he was not behaving himself so I called him out on it. He told me that is exactly why he comes to me. Because I am “the respectable one that wouldn’t let him do anything stupid”.
I was quite intrigued with the video I watched yesterday, even through the tears. I watched another video by Dawn Hayman about animals and their view of death, which can also apply to humans. It was fascinating yet bittersweet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bF8UTZgFKc&t=2s
My take away from this one:
Life and death are a circle of transitions. When babies are welcomed at birth, we are excited. It is a transition into new life here. When souls transition from death here, we are sad, but they have an excited welcoming party on the other side. So, our grief just depends on which side of the circle you are on.
I know for sure Darrel has his grandma Lucy, buddy Shane, Andy and probably Larry too and who knows who else. One of my last conversations with my son in law Larry was telling him about Darrel actually.
Just thinking too, Darrel had a particular favorite pet dog as a teenager and I am pretty sure they are together again.

October 7 2021: Last night before sleep, I did some more soul healing work. I did have a very nice dream with Darrel in it. Hopeful, but when I woke up at 230 am, I needed to do some more energy clearing realizing the dream was just a dream. I connected with Muriel, a practitioner friend, today. Lots of chatting and more soul work.
After watching that video yesterday, I know I need to raise my vibration and laugh more in order to be able to notice any messages he might send from the other side.
I have been reminiscing of some memories. I told Muriel of some more cherished memories from when we dated years ago and that through tears I was sharing those memories with my kids the other night.
How many times he had to move sleeping kids out of my room so he could stay the night. Actually on one of our recent calls, I told him I want to make room in my life for him again. I missed calls because I was on client calls a few times.
The old Aerostar van held a lot of Darrel memories. Quite often we would just go for a drive to escape family and kids.
The nights he stayed over at my place, I would make him leave his shirt with me for the nights he only called. I loved his scent. He thought I was weird, but he complied with my request anyway.
He would watch TV late in the evening and he wanted me to keep talking to him until he fell asleep. Sometimes we would just fall asleep on the phone, good old land line phones back then.
After he moved away, his mom had a garage sale. I got that night table, but I didn’t buy a pencil case full of POGS that had his name on it. I told him about it though. He was choked that I didn’t buy those and keep them for him. Silly POG collection lol.
I don’t remember why we didn’t go out together for new years. I think he was out with buddies instead. But January 2 2000, we went cruisin’ with a friend of his driving. Darrel was more preoccupied with me. We drove all over town for a few hours in a little 4 x 4 truck. Then decided to check out some trails but got stuck in a few feet of snow. Got out and went cruisin up in Thornhill subdivision closer to where Darrel lived. There was a lot of icy roads and we went around one corner that was particularly icy. Didn’t quite make the corner and ended up in the ditch. Thankfully we were in a 4×4 truck and his buddy was a good driver. We all rocked the truck back and forth and slowly inched ahead in this ditch then our driver gunned it over a snowbank to get out on the road again. We could not believe we just did that so we got out and all stared at the tracks in the snow. I also took a few pictures. I am pretty sure I did give pics to Darrel soon afterwards, but years later, probably 3 years ago (2018) I made a memory box for him and tucked those pictures in the box. He loved revisiting that memory. I wonder if he still has that box or any other stuff I may have sent in care packages over the years. Kinda curious if his family might find anything from me in his estate of belongings.
Oh how I wish I could just call him and hear his voice again, to curl up and hear his heart beat again.

October 9 2021:
I have a wonderful network of energy healer friends. Several have reached out to support me through the last week with various modalities of spiritual, soul, and energy healing. Considering that just a week ago I wanted to curl up and just die along with Darrel, I am actually feeling pretty good. But I also feel awful that I am not a wreck right now. At least I don’t think I am, all things considered. My mind keeps playing tricks on me that maybe this nightmare isn’t real. I mean, I only found out on social media from his friends and family posting on his social media wall. Darrel didn’t even go on social media much. He didn’t like much of anything technology. Maybe this is all some cruel practical joke to leave his past behind and start a new life. That I could believe from all the things we talked about over the years, and especially recently. I could see through him any time he was not being straight with me. And he confirmed I was usually right. I think that bugged him a bit, but was also comforting in a way. I always told him I was leaving seeds in his mushy heart space. I called him Shiny Diamond many times too.  He really was a diamond in the rough. A beautiful soul. I think many of his friends and family have more private settings because I can’t see much for tributes to him other than what is tagged on his wall. Being from a small town though, word gets around and I have heard a few more details. It is only when someone passes that long lost people come out of the woodwork and you find out just how many people are affected by the life of one person in so many different ways. With our conversations, and being able to tune into his energy, I know his deepest hurts and I did try to support him through finding his way through his own healing path.
I just am having such a hard time with wondering why he “checked out” now. I do understand that souls go on to their next spiritual soul mission, but I wanted him so much in my life again as a relationship.
A well meaning friend suggested there’s another man out there for me. I have always cleared my energy for Darrel “or better”, but honestly my heart was SET on HIM! I told him many time, out of 7 billion people in the world, I wanted HIM. How can I even think of a future when my heart is so raw and void right now?
One healer friend who works with past lives confirmed what I have been told several times before by various healers, that Darrel and I have such a strong  connection because we’ve been together in at least 6 past lives, but also feels we were also married in 4 of those lives, and would have been married in this life as well. That really tears me up inside. I have dreamed for so long that “my wish” would finally come true.
Another friend has offered a shamanic journey reading regarding Darrel but suggested I wait a few weeks. I would love to take her up on that offer. I am super curious what would come of it.

October 10 2021: It is Canadian Thanksgiving today. We are days away from the 3rd anniversary of Larry’s passing, we’ve just lost Darrel days ago. Today is my ex husband’s birthday and he just got remarried back in June after contacting me for our divorce details. Going through a loss, a grieving time sure brings in a mortality check of looking at life as futile. What’s the use? What is with the STUFF we own and what happens to it when we are gone. We spend our life chasing materialism while denying our personal growth, until we have a wakeup call somewhere along the way. Thankfully I started a true healing journey many years ago.
Each time Darrel and I connected, he seemed so intrigued with my progress in life, new philosophies gained, and fascinating insights I would share with him.
I remember sending him some meme quotes. One he liked best was about how the down times of life are just an arrow being pulled backwards and to aim high in life. He loved that one. Somewhere in these conversations we talked about how he has been so influenced by dramatic, insecure, and imbalanced women for much of his life. When a woman is balanced in her Divine Feminine, it is her purpose to lead a man to his spiritual side and his own Divine Masculine. We talked about how he had become complacent after his last major relationship experience. He was so mad at himself for allowing himself to be there for so long. One of our conversations back in March this year, he admitted that he cut off many people from his past because he thought he was making a new better life for himself with her. He was even convinced that I was the crazy one at one point, which he regretted. I am certainly not perfect, but he knows that I am “different” and I have done my own work. Through our conversations after that, he wanted to know the Truth of why he was the way he was. We all have life lessons, and I think his experience there was to learn to accept himself fully in such a way that he would find the strength to leave that situation. Life lessons suck monkey balls some times. Through some energy balancing I shared with him what his energy revealed of his past traumas and how that may have affected him. He was making strides in understanding and bettering himself. I got to see a much more balanced and mature side of him again, which made me love him even more. Now I am reeling with remembering our last conversations of being so hopeful for a future and the possibility of having him back in my life much more. I love our philosophical chats. 
His kids were his life and today I can only wonder how they are doing today, Thanksgiving, without their daddy.
I went through this 3 years ago losing Larry over Thanksgiving weekend. My grandchildren lost their daddy then too and our family’s holiday occasion has never been the same since. I have a special tea cup that we put out for Larry’s place setting at our holiday tables. I don’t have anything from Darrel though other some pictures.
I am kinda curious if his family will find anything from me in his belongings. I had made him a memory box with some pictures in it. If he still has that, I hope it will go to his kids.

October 12 2021: Today is the 3rd anniversary of the accident that took Larry’s life so those memories are now triggering in me with losing Darrel now as well. Thanksgiving weekend has never been the same and even now, our family dinner just seems to be “going through the motions”. I made a huge turkey dinner for Sunday for just me and 3 kids, one grandkid. I took a large plate of dinner in hopes that I might actually eat a lot for once in the last two weeks. Nope. Got half way through my plate and let the dogs have the rest. My body is still reacting in grief and yet my mind is playing the grief process tricks on me.
If I was that important to Darrel as he was to me, wouldn’t he have made more effort to come see me? With other obligations in his life with work and kids, and now travel restrictions etc… I don’t know. Plus, he had other things going on that he explained as well. Example he had knee surgery and could not drive for very long. I am sure we could have worked something out but then now I think of the spiritual implications that maybe I was saved from more grief or from holding him back to leave the earth plane when he needed to. If I was that important in his life, would anyone would have known to contact me in an emergency? Again, I look back on events with friends and family, and I think things unfolded the way they did because I was not supposed to know. You can bet that I would have done anything in my power to prevent him from leaving this earth plane. Maybe my only purpose was to support him towards his next soul mission.
It really messes things up for earthly 3D thinking when you factor in spiritual aspects. And I know now more than ever that our soul connection was definitely more spiritual than earthly.
Last night I had some confusing dreams again. Like I could not “see” Darrel happy on the other side yet because something is holding him back still. I did figure out that one of his “Spiritual Lessons” with certain people in his life was to “let go of Attachments”. I know so many times we talked about how he felt trapped in expectations and could not fully step into his own Divine Masculine Power. Darrel had some addictive personality traits that held him back as well. Or it was others expectations of him that interfered. That sounds like making excuses for him. I assure you it is not. Ultimately he knew it was his own choices that made the difference to change and to grow. I knew him to be a beautiful soul and we did talk a lot about spiritual stuff. Many of our talks were about seeing the spiritual or energy psychology aspect of his life and his choices. I had explained to him the mature love theory that to truly love someone, it was to love them in such a way that they had the freedom to choose to stay or to go.
I think the fondest last memory I will hang on to about Darrel is how he was almost in tears thanking me profusely for the endearing birthday message I had left for him in telling him just how much he meant to me and touching on my favorite memories of him. And our very last actual conversation talking about the possibility of rekindling the romantic relationship we had before.

October 12 2021: Darrel was always the practical joker trying to get a rise out of anyone susceptible. Knowing he went through French Immersion schooling, I remember asking him to say something in French just for fun to see if I could figure it out since I had taken some French in school and my kids’ relatives are French. I had bugged Darrel quite a few times and he wouldn’t give in to say something for me. When he finally did, he said it so fast that all I could catch was “mange” which I knew meant “eat”. My hopes for him saying something sweet and/ or sexy were dashed when he finally admitted that he had said “eat sh*t and die”, with that guttural “gotcha” kind of laugh he had when he “won”.
In several of our conversations since January 2021, I had told Darrel about my GRIT/ Story Athlete membership and the Heroic Self book I received. He was intrigued, even though he didn’t like reading, and I offered him the book to read if he ever got here to visit. I remember a while back I had balanced his assemblage point (HAP) and mentioned that in my course, there had been a case study of an alcoholic that went on to get a university degree after energy balancing the HAP. He was pretty excited to tell me “Do that to me!”. I did try my best anyway.
When I chat in my practitioner forums with all my energy balancing friends, we have our niche of language there that we all understand. I know Darrel was on a higher spiritual path than appearances may have seemed because he “understood” me like no one else ever has outside of my practitioner circles. I know at one time when I got him set up with another practitioner session, he was told he was an old soul. I firmly believe that he was an old soul with some of the deep and meaningful conversations we’ve ever had.

October 18 2021: where did the week go? Thank God for my healer friends keeping me grounded so I can still work with my clients and keep my mind off things. I have been keeping busy there at least. Still no answers or details other than “remembering him” posts on his FB wall. He didn’t even like social media.
I have been having some triggers… Had a client this past week with Darrel’s birthday. Just a small trigger there. Went out on errands with my son the other day. Music playing was November Rain which switched to something with lyrics “take my life”. Poor Jared then realized I was full on tears. November Rain was my song for Darrel eons ago and I am not even sure why I had chosen that song other than ” nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain”. Or the wedding/ casket scene on the video. I don’t know. Had a few other teary moments through the week too. He’s only 42 years old and his kids are 15 and 13. Why was he taken so young??
It’s been a hard week all around. The anniversary of Larry’s passing was October 13. A whole other set of triggers and tears. AS FB memories are coming up, I am slowly cleaning off social media and turning that all into a memorial page for him. It is hard. So many tears.
Had a few dreams this past week of various ways that I passed as well. Not good. I have a few more appointments for ME this next week. One is a past life regression session which I have never done before. I have been writing lots other than what I share here, just letting out the pain and confusion. Grief process sucks monkey balls.

October 19 2021: Memories: Darrel was a really good cook. Gets that from his momma as she has always been a great cook. With our similar German backgrounds, I loved that he appreciated different foods, like my favorite sauerkraut and pickled herring. When I visited him in GP, he had to go to work. Without any maps I managed to find my way around and picked up a few baking supplies then got back to the apartment and made an apple strudel cake. Darrel had fallen asleep on the couch after work but woke up to the aroma of fresh baking. Unfortunately I knew nothing about altitude affecting the cake rising properly. Different than what I was used to back home. The cake was completely inedible. Any other time I made baked goods for him it had all turned out, just not that one time I tried it at his new place. Ugh.
I have mentioned before that we would talk on the phone for hours on end and that if he wasn’t at my place, he often wanted me to keep talking til he fell asleep. The weird thing was that any time I was near him in person, I got absolutely tongue tied and tumbled over my words. He always teased me about that and made me blush often. NO ONE else has ever had that effect on me. I figured it was because the chemistry between us was so intense that I “glitched” lol. I loved Darrel’s laugh, and his kisses were the best ever.
Years later, I knew a friend who had been married 30+ years and her husband still had that effect on her.

This morning I had that past life regression appointment. I have never done that before and I am honestly not sure what to think of it. I am not very visual at all. I get “words” tho. There were a few confusing things to come out of it that I am hoping to figure out in the next while. One part was a scene that I pulled away crying because someone (Darrel?) had died, and I apparently was married to him there. Just weird and confusing. Gonna have to sit with that one a bit to figure out whatever I am supposed to learn there. I have been feeling very “clear” all day though, so that is a good thing.
In a discussion with a friend today, Pluto Square Pluto and Saturn Return came up. I am still trying to wrap my head around that one in how if apparently affects our life choices, lessons, and time line events.

October 22 2021: Today is a cry day. It is a real mind f— with having half my thinking on the spiritual side and understanding soul work etc, and the other half of me grieving in my humanness of never having the chance to have him physically here with me ever again. Replaying over and over my last words to him, our last conversations. His number is on my favorites on my phone so that is a trigger every time I open it up. I can’t take it off there yet though. Looking through all the texts, the flirting between us. I still blush with those memories. Remembering his voice and his laugh that has always made my heart skip a beat. How it has never mattered how much physical time has passed, we always seemed soul connected and just picked up again. The intensity between us, I always felt that. The last time I actually saw him I got to go dancing with him for a little while and then sleep with him all night feeling him and his heartbeat beside me. Then a tender kiss goodbye.
Now I have so many questions tumbling through my mind. So much of why didn’t I know, why did he not reach out to me more these last few months as he had in the past, did I even mean anything to him? Why just after I say relationship does he die? Why so many painful missed connections? I know I meant something to him, I know he felt our connection too. He had his ways of saying and showing that with me.
With several intuitive friends telling me the last few years that they “saw” us together soon, hand in hand, that we were meant to be together…. I’ve had my heart set on him and no one else. Then I keep thinking of all the things I know about him and reason that his physical body was tired and he was frustrated with life. This past year especially he was doing so much soul searching. Of what I know of the other side, I know he is wayyyy happier now with no attachments weighing him down. Someone reiterated today that he chose his exit point before even coming here, so all these questions are just humanness and unnecessary. He is closer to me now in heart than he was in life with living in separate towns and having other factors against us still. I look at his pics, into his eyes and I see my own heart. 
Honestly, I have been doing ok… I mean my head is actually clear. Until something triggers. Like a client with June 23 birthday. Or another one talking of her loved one who is 42 years old. Or a song played today “owner of a lonely heart”, or feeling awful for two teens left behind, his daughter 15 and son 13. 
I just want someone to say it is all untrue. To see his number on my phone again. At least he knew in direct words every time I talked to him that I loved him dearly and what he meant to me.

October 24 2021: Conversation in one of my forums just hit me over the head with another strange realization. With all the earth energies changing and upgrading, we are all upgrading to Crystalline energy. Schumann Resonance has been off the charts for quite a while now. Some humans cannot handle this energy upgrade to 5D so they are transitioning out of 3D instead of ascending to 5D.
As mentioned, Darrel loved all this energy work stuff. We talked about things he had been through in his life and all the energy work made sense for him. With a play on words with his last name “Koehl”, I told him that coal under pressure turns into a diamond. I explained that with energy work, we were polishing Koehl into a diamond. He always said he is a diamond in the rough. So I started calling him Shiny Diamond. With him ascending/ transitioning now, he is Crystalline energy, and a real Shiny Diamond. Mind blown.
More? I had told Darrel in our last conversations that I signed up for this Akashic course and my first intention with it was to figure out our soul connection. Well… I haven’t done anything with the course so far. Yesterday I finally went into the group and introduced myself and also explained why I haven’t got started as my original reason to sign up for this course died, literally.
I had a few comments on my post including this one: “Thank you for sharing, and I feel compelled to say that I feel that through this course you’ll learn to channel him. And maybe part of his journey was becoming your guardian, and it’s something that in the physical he couldn’t accomplish. I pray you can find comfort knowing that the Masters Teachers and Loved Ones are with you, including this love that has now transformed”.
WOW!!!!!! My humanness has been wretch in anguish realizing I will never have the chance to be with him physically again, but my soul understanding is realizing he just had too many earthly interferences here to be able to step into his Divine Soul mission or to be with me fully and completely. Now he really is closer to me in Heart and Soul than ever before. I think I am getting ready to dig into this course a bit more now with realizing Darrel will now be one of my Loved Ones in the Records. I have always known he was an “old soul”.
Ok, so… MORE… oh ya. This is where things get interesting and only my spiritual minded friends will understand this twisted story… We lost Zoomer, our 19 year old cat that passed back in March. Then we lost Niko and Ebony within days of each other back at the end of July. No luck in finding them so far. My heart has been broken and super lonely without little furballs around so we were thinking of getting a “couple” more kittens. Midnight has been super clingy, so more company for him too. I kinda “put it out there” recently to find a couple kittens. No ads or anything, just awareness. Saw some posts and some tags so I messaged a few people. Only one person had 3 males available. I said we were interested in 2, but would consider all 3. Conversation back and forth, they were too young just yet. Then they messaged again asking if we would take momma too. They are moving and need to downsize their pets and responsibilities. We went for a drive yesterday to pick up all 4. Momma’s name is Linda and she is just so sweet, very much like our Smudges we had years ago. Two calico dark ones and a light one that I was SO drawn to!!! That one is MINE. I kept hearing that I should name him Darrel… but.. I don’t think that would be right. After a conversation about crystalline energy today, I have named him Diamond! Who names their cat Linda? Weird. But she is 2 years old and already aligned with her name. Then it dawned on me tonight, Darrel had a lady in his life who he referred to as his “other mother”. Her name was Linda.
Mind blown again… I can just imagine Darrel is laughing his ass off and rolling his eyes at all this. He was more of a dog person, but he’s going to have to get used to my cats. OH… and these kittens were born sometime around September 22 or so. Maybe part of Darrel’s soul has come back as Diamond, my new little kitty.

October 29 2021: Our instructor for the Akashic course commented on my post: Admin “I am so sorry for your loss Jackie N. Rioux. We are not separate from one another so you can have a loving relationship with him in the spiritual realms and not in human form. I would suggest asking more questions in the records about how you can connect with his High Vibrational Soul in his whole form. I would also ask how his passing is impacting your bodies and how you can support all aspects of yourself in this stage of grief. ❤ Sending you a big hug and lots of love and light”.
Renewed hope? More understanding of soul missions? I was offered and took advantage of a “Shamanic Death Lodge Journey” this morning. Another thing I have never tried and not sure what to expect there. I was not able to visit with Darrel just yet as he is still in the Healing Garden. Larry came through with a message though “dont worry about Darrel, he is ok”. And another message about my grandson.
I also had another energy balancing session today. There was more spiritual body healing needed between Darrel and I. More came up about my hesitancy to get into this Akashic course, that I MUST get started asap.
I haven’t written here for a few days. My humanness is arguing through this grief process in continually asking WHY him? Why now? Why just when I had spoken my heart to him and had so much hope? Then my spiritual side is understanding that we do NOT ever understand soul lessons on this human level, especially someone else’s soul journey. Darrel is much closer to me now than he ever has been, without any kind of human attachments or interferences that held him back previously in physical form. Every time I hear a song, I am triggered again and now realizing how much music and different songs have made me think of Darrel in various ways. Music is the language of the soul…

I need to settle into this course in a big way to figure out my own soul patterns. Right now I feel like I am scared to ever love someone on such a deep level ever again because they just die anyway. Once I figure out my own soul patterns, then I can do my best to heal and make different choices for my human and soul future.
Our GRIT context yesterday was about optimizing our environment. This was part of my post: : “Sometimes this also includes vision boards, posters and post it notes of affirmations and prayer intentions. Sentimental and meaningful items especially. We create our world though these methods.
I have a Reiki box full of affirmations and prayer intentions for myself and my loved ones. My children have acquired suitable employments, vehicles and other material things. They have achieved goals as well as I have over a number of years and I have realized what in my Reiki box has come to fruition. I have a treasure box of pictures, memories, hand written letters. My computer contains digital format emails and sentimental letters as well.
What happens when a loved one passes away? That is where I am at right now. Looking around my home and my treasures to realize how many pictures and items I have here that are memories of Darrel. His number is under faves in my phone yet I will never see his number come up again that always made my heart skip a beat to hear his voice. All our texts…
Its been 3 years since my SIL passed and I still have his texts in my phone as well. Is this optimizing my environment in holding fast to these cherished memories in this way? I dont know, but I am nowhere near ready to let any of it go. 
This past month has been sadness for me in losing my soul mate. I am doing better now and moving forward with some renewed hope of spiritual connection still intact. We will always have that at least”.

November 1 2021: One of my energy healer friends is in GRIT and reached out to me yesterday. Had a Body Code session with him. OH MY GAWD!! I don’t know why this stuff didn’t come up previously, or what triggered it all now, but holy crap. Nasty energies, curses, detrimental 3 way cording between me, Darrel and some other people in this life that have negatively influenced him and interfered with our soul connection. There was even a saboteur energy of a “thorn in my side”. Thank God that is gone now. Today I feel super clear headed and in purge mode to get rid of anything in my home that is lower vibrational energy. I mean I do that lots already, but… just more needed now. Back when Darrel was so relentless in wanting to date me, I knew then of some of the interferences in his life that would be factors against us. Years later I had so much hope that maybe we/ he had overcome some of those factors and that he could step into his Divine Masculine again, and into his spiritual gifts… But that didn’t happen. I am humanely sad that I don’t think he accomplished as much in his life as he wanted to. (He was envious that I had jumped out of a plane and he hadn’t). Bucket list kind of things. I don’t think he ever got over that loneliness feeling in his heart either. The way we were talking back in 2018, he was doing so well then. This past year, I am not sure he quite got to that stage of feeling complete in himself. That makes me sad. I did have so much hope for him, for us.
Yet… I just read something today https://www.matthewbooks.com/november-1-2021/ that gives me a little more hope and understanding as to why Darrel left the Earth plane now. Honestly, I think his physical body was just tired and done. And all these hindrances and interferences held him back from living his life to the fullest. Plus, as this article says, many souls have completed their karma here and some are leaving by choice because of the V. That is my theory now anyway. I doubt his earth family understands that aspect, and I doubt they are open to it. I’ll probably never know. I have been so connected with him energetically for so long that I am pretty sure my thoughts on this are accurate.
What I do know is that Darrel and I have been soul connected for a very long time, even through past lives. He is my soul family and I can only hope now that I will be able to connect with his “whole higher vibrational self” through this akashic course. This all remains to be seen, but at least I am more hopeful now.
All of my “Johnny Cash” love story with Darrel will just be a distant memory.

November 2: I have a dresser that I inherited from my Great Aunt back in 1989. Darrel had moved that dresser in front of the bedroom door one night and broke the leg on it. Every time we have connected there was a joke between us and a reference to that broken leg. That dresser is leaving today. I need to get it out of my bedroom. I still have all his pictures in his bedside table and all my prayer intentions with his name on them in my Reiki box in my bedroom, but the dresser needs to go. Just makes me cry remembering those kind of intimate memories with him.
I have now found out more misunderstandings that have come to light. Nothing I can do about that. Just hurts to be taken the wrong way when HE knew me through and through. Not that any of that matters now. I also found out that this accident was September 19… which would be why I didnt hear from him after the message I left on September 18th. He ALWAYS called back, but he was usually the one to initiate calls anyway. Who knows if my message was the last he heard, but I think I am sort of ok knowing that in that message he heard words from my heart in reference to some of my most treasured intimate moments with him.

November 7 2021: Lots of tears today too. I moved his pics from my room to my treasure chest. Along with his poem that I have printed on parchment paper. I found a bunch of papers explaining all the Twin Flame connection between us too. I keep going over so many conversations we’ve had over the years, especially the last while. I know from what I have learned about souls getting ready to transcend that they “get their affairs in order” kind of thing. More recently, he was always saying he didn’t want to get old, that he was going to stay 28 forever. He loved that pic I took of him here, so that will be my favorite memory of the way I want to remember him. I remember Darrel called me one night back in March 2021 I think. He was absolutely livid like I have never heard him before. He demanded to know the truth of why he was the way he was and why he has made the choices he has made that he has ended up regretting. He had just had a long conversation with his sister. Apparently that night he had found out some things about certain people in his life that were “truths” he had not known, seen, or understood previously. He knew from previous chats that I can tune into his energy and tell him things that he could not put into words. I explained a bunch of what I have figured out from all the energy balancing I have done with him. I have seen his deepest hurts in a way I am sure no one else has. I know a lot about the ancestral patterns in his lineage. I would bring up the imbalances and he would explain more if he knew what they were. He loved the energy balancing and it made sense for him, and he said it helped him lots to feel calmer. I guess this is why I am feeling so lost now. For years I have always gone to sleep asking to clear my energy, my family, and Darrel and his kids. Now I have just been asking for any kind of soul intervention work he needs to fully transition, because I am pretty sure he is still in the Healing Garden. I hope he did have a chance to straighten out any falling outs he had with these certain people before he passed. If not, the soul intervention work will help let him go in peace and also not carry all that karma forward.
I am so thankful that I had the intuitive sense to speak my truths and he KNEW how much he meant to me in words.
Lots of thoughts tumbling through my mind constantly. We both loved music, although he was more country and I was more rock, we still appreciated both. We both loved dancing although I could not two step with him very well. Slow dancing was much better. I am realizing how many songs that seem to trigger some memory of Darrel. We had a similar upbringing with our parents being friends, growing up same neighborhood. We both have German background.
There are some intimate things between us that I know for me are only Darrel memories. Not sure for him with his experiences, but I know there were some words or memories I could bring up and he would immediately smile with those dimples and a twinkle in his eye. I am also feeling lost knowing that his phone number will never come up on my phone again. Darrel and I both have a past with other relationships and experiences and yet no one else ever had the chemistry and effect that he had on me. He knew it and would tease me often just to make me blush. I must have had an effect on him too for all the times I remember he just wanted me to talk to him and soothe him to sleep with my voice and words.
Writing is helpful in letting out the hurt. I have been writing in GRIT every day with some references to Darrel there. Those daily contexts are here:

https://ladybugwellness.ca/grit-october-2021/
https://ladybugwellness.ca/november-grit-2021/

November 10 2021: This morning I had an energy balancing session with my lady in UK, Sue. Always interesting stuff comes up. Unless you understand energy and the metaphysical reasons behind imbalances, all of the notes from this session won’t make a bit of sense. In layman’s terms though: I had major imbalances in my ovaries, stuck energies in my throat chakra not being able to accept that he is gone. Sabotage and “will to survive” energies due to how his family and friends have always rejected me in not being suitable for him. (They wanted me to disappear, I have never felt “worth it”).
There are more and more energetic and spiritual imbalances coming up that make me realize that my physical body has been imbalanced for a very long time because in my heart I was “married” to him and I had always wanted to have his baby. I have not had quite that level of soul connection and longing with anyone else. Maybe now my physical body will stop waiting for him and go through menopause as it should have a while ago.
Some people say that when a loved one dies, that their heart died with them or went with them or however they describe their connection and pain. Until you have a “soul level” connection with someone in a romantic sense, you will never quite understand the feeling that my soul wanted to leave and go with him.
A few years ago, Darrel gave me permission to work on his kids energetically. I think that opened up an intuitive connection somehow because I would feel a need to correct and imbalance and let him know. He was particularly grateful when I let him know that I felt something happened with his son at school. He was able to deal with the situation quickly. There were a few times that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone needed an imbalance corrected. I have not had that happen in a very long time.
3 times this past week I have had a “wake up call”. One night I could feel Darrel’s pride quite strongly in “getting it right” when he married Allison. Another night I felt an urgency to correct an imbalance for his daughter. And the third time, I just felt like he was with me all night. That was comforting and I hope he visits often that way. I think I felt a kiss on my cheek that night too. I am trying to open up my intuitive clairs so I can “see” him more than just sense and feel is presence.
Another memory: Darrel had a thing for Shania Twain and he used to tell me I looked like her. I am not sure about that lol. I miss his kisses most of all. I have been told that tomorrow is a Twin Flame portal so I should be open for another visit of some sort. I can hope… 

November 14 2021: Posted on social media today:   Back in August 2021, I signed up for 2 different Akashic Records certification courses. While this was a way to offer a new service to my Ladybug Wellness clients, I also had a way more personal and selfish reason to take these courses. I wanted to explore and learn more about my own soul purpose, and the deep soul connection I have had with Darrel Koehl for many, many years. All my aspirations with this course got put on hold when I found out he had passed away.
With encouragement from my mentors and teachers, I now understand that we have not been disconnected and are in fact way more connected now than ever before.
If you have never experienced a deep soul connection with someone, it is like an intense chemistry of knowingness. While Darrel and I did converse a lot, many things between us we just “knew”; with time, space, dimension never being an issue. Having grown up in the same neighborhood with a similar German background upbringing, our earthly soul family connection goes back a long way, most of our lives actually.
Yes there has been a helluva lotta tears. My physical body has definitely been grieving and reacting to the heartache of never being able to enjoy his physical presence again or seeing his number come up on my phone again, but I have a renewed hope of being able to experience a loving relationship as predicted, on a whole different level, without the earthly attachments, hindrances, and interferences that were factors against us in this life.
The first few days, it was not just that I felt my heart died with him. My soul wanted to leave and go Home with him as well.  I am so grateful for my own energy balancing skills and the network of  energy healers that I am blessed to call friends. They have stepped up in a big way to assist me in keeping grounded and releasing the emotional charge of pain and heartache these last few weeks. I have been able to balance my mental and emotional state of mind in order to keep my energy vibration high so I can continue to connect on the soul and spiritual level with his Higher Vibrational Whole self. 
We had talked so many times of stepping into our own power, following our Soul Mission, the past life connections between us. That fascinated him immensely. The Spiritual Lessons between us, I have learned, are “Follow your Soul Mission” and “You are Eternal”.  I have always known Darrel to be a beautiful old soul. I just didn’t realize he would be stepping into his Divine Soul Mission at a whole different level by dropping the shackles of this earthly life and leaving the physical plane before me.
I had no idea how seriously he would be taking his nickname “Shiny Diamond” in transitioning to ascended Pure Crystalline energy. Mulling over and reanalyzing our past conversations, particularly the last few years, I am realizing we have been soul talking all along, and now so many things make sense! “I love you, I love your body, I love your soul”. I have always told him that his heart beat feels like Home, and more recently referenced the Johnny Houlihan country song. Darrel loved and was always fascinated with all the energy work I did with him and how it made sense for him. He always gave me great feedback that gave me more insights in this work.  In our very last conversations, I had told him I signed up for these Akashic courses so I could explore more about the soul connection between us. One of the very last things I said to him was that my favorite thing was curling up with him and listening to his heart beat, and referencing his poem in my website yet again. Less than two weeks later he left his physical body.
From the first intuitive prediction of “you’re going to fall for a country boy” where 6 months later I was dating Darrel, to many other intuitive connections over the years, to the most recent “you’ll be hand in hand for many happy years”. I suppose this is a whole new way of understanding “take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, Living on a Prayer”. 
I have been working through this course this past week and opening my clairs so I can better connect in the Akash, but also with Darrel. I have had at least 3 visits this past week. I can see him radiantly happy now. Pure authentic joy. I felt his love for Allison and his pride in “getting something right” here on earth. I felt his love for his kids strongly. And I felt his presence keeping me company all night a few times — hearing his heartbeat in a different way now. Death is only a doorway, and the veil is thin. 11:11 is a Twin Flame portal. Now I can look forward to more visits and a loving relationship with Darrel as my Spirit Guide and Heavenly Soul Mate.

November 24 2021: Some good, some bad, and lots of triggers since I last wrote here. Last week I volunteered to be a case study session on video to show one of our latest subconscious healing methods. (Actually this was the last energy balancing I had done with Darrel and explained to him in our last conversation. He had said it made him more focused).
I have had issues with this particular practitioner previously, and ironically it was partly about Darrel then and again now. On video he brought up a detrimental energy and said it was from “the fellow recently deceased”. No other details through the whole video, just that one. I felt he was projecting his own issues on me and my relationship with Darrel. I should have known better than to volunteer with him because previously, and again now, I felt awful and had to get another practitioner to help me get balanced again from nasty energies projected from him. UGH! Lessons learned in always be careful who you work with. That experience through my energy off this whole past week. All good now, just pulling back in my interactions there now.
I have a wonderful dowsing group I am part of each week and they were really helpful in getting me on track again. Further, I was showing off our kitties and explained how Diamond got his name from Darrel. Two practitioners told me that Diamond has at least 20% of Darrel’s energy or more. No wonder Diamond is so different from the other ones! We “lost” Diamond once this past week too. I was in a panic because there are not that many places for them to really get lost in our house. I got a bright idea to check my bed though and yes, there was Diamond wedged in between my pillows, sleeping soundly. In Darrel’s spot lol.
Music is really triggering for me. Twice out and about driving with the radio on I had to flip channels cuz the tears started again. Offspring Gone Away, and Boys of Summer. So many songs make me think of Darrel in various ways.
I cleaned out all the lingerie out of my room this past week. Those memories just make me cry now.
I had a couple people reach out to me lately regarding Darrel. To answer a couple questions…. No his family did not contact me at all about Darrel’s accident, or being in the hospital 11 days before they pulled the plug. I found out via social media. Why? We had lots of family connections and his parents had been good friends when they moved here to PG years ago. They had stayed at my home a few days. They helped me moved in 2004. I helped them to move to GP and back again. I drove Darrel’s dads truck with Gramma Lucy because Darrel’s mom didn’t get along with Lucy. While in GP, she got super drunk one night and started raving about some “ditch pig with a pile of kids” that Darrel had dated. I knew she was referencing me, but she denied it. I was super hurt and could not wait to get back home. Once back in PG, I left quickly. I wrote her a letter which I don’t remember exactly what it said, but the gist was that I was extremely hurt from those words, it was hard for me to be around them when I still loved Darrel dearly and he was married, and it was hard seeing how they treated Lucy too. She was kind enough to call me when Lucy passed away in 2009, but that is it.
Now years later, Darrel and I have connected several times. I am not sure they knew about it. After finding out that Darrel passed, I wrote a long heartfelt letter to his parents and printed his poem along with it. I wanted someone of his family to know how much he meant to me, how much he was loved, and our conversations with my last message being Sept 18, which I found out is the day before he had the accident. They received that letter October 29. His mom sent me a sarcastic message and blocked me. A few days later one of his friends sent me a message too saying to leave his parents alone.
I figured maybe it was because they have lost their son. But since I know a LOT about their family patterns, the dysfunction, the addictions, and the drama… plus a few particular conversations I have had with Darrel about his family, his parents, and some friends, I am now thinking differently. I have found out that they have a social media memorial page for him, but obviously I am blocked. With other information that some people have reached out to me, I am realizing more and more just how much dysfunction there was around him. Some things make me angry, some just plain sad. As much as I loved him and miss him, he is so much better off now. He was just at a point in his life where he was realizing a lot of things this past year, he was so frustrated and trying to break free of it all. I remember telling him back in February that the stream engine I used to know has turned into a train wreck and he needed to get back on track. I don’t know what kind of life lessons he signed up for in this life, but I think his spirit just gave up. Every time I think of him lately or look at his pictures, I feel like I get sucker punched in the solar plexus like he didn’t want to be here anymore. I miss him dearly, and yet I keep feeling like he is so much happier now.
One more thing. I am trying my best to put my experiences to good use. I created another page “Resources for managing grief “ https://ladybugwellness.ca/managing-grief/

November 25 2021: For so long, every time I have looked into Darrel’s eyes, I have seen ME. Maybe that is part of the Twin Flame thing? I keep ruminating over all our conversations and all what came up in energy balancing for Darrel and between us. I am still trying to figure out what exactly our shared life lessons were because I did work a lot on that between us. So much of it fits what I know about Twin Flame and sacred soul connections. Energy doesn’t lie. There was so much that we learned between us that was sacred between us, without words, just energy.
What I have realized is that Darrel’s mother was to him what my father was to me. I was about age 37 when I finally stood up to my father and all that dysfunctional past. Darrel was age 37 when there were some changes but he made different choices that, in my opinion, only ruined him with the women he chose to have in his life then. At age 41, I went back to school and really made some changes for myself. Darrel was age 41 earlier this year when he came to so many realizations about the people in his life and he seemed to be making more positive changes, especially each time we talked.
I have learned a bit more about this Pluto/ Saturn return thing. It has to do with biological ages and life lessons. With that information, soooo much more of these events make sense now.
I will forever carry the burden though in wondering if I could have made any difference if I had spoken up more often before the last year. I wonder if I will find any more answers in the Akashic records.

November 27 2021: I mentioned I have been feeling stuck ever since that volunteer session. I have had a few other trusted practitioners work with me to get unstuck. Well, yesterday was a huge session with particular focus on whatever I picked up from this volunteer session. No wonder!! Ugh! I am definitely pulling back and blocking everything from that person now. So much jealousy, nasty energies, and blocking my freedom and grieving process. Then, a detrimental cord from Darrel’s sister and father “blaming” me. Also, “feeling abandoned” by Darrel. Well no sh*t. I don’t think anyone would quite understand how it feels to have had the conversations we had this past year and then for him to leave the physical life before me. Then to have absolutely no acknowledgement from anyone who knew him on my love for him. Not that it matters. I doubt any of them would understand our soul connection quite like Darrel and I did. More tears yesterday, another song played. This time Rod Stewart “Forever Young”. Darrel’s didn’t want to get old.
I have so many “if only” kind of thoughts. Darrel’s parents made him move away from our home town to get him away from me. (His mom inadvertently admitted that the night she got drunk and degraded everything about me). I was older, divorced, had kids and just not what they wanted for perfection for their son. Everything was about image and money. I never fit into that, no matter how much I loved him. I have cleared so much “Romeo and Juliette” complex energies between Darrel and I. Quite fitting actually. Ironically, because of all the dysfunction in his family, Darrel was easily influenced by immature and insecure women all through his life. We talked a lot about his poor choices and his regrets there. I am glad he did move and got a chance to marry Allison and have children. But once that fell apart, I wish we had had a chance then to rekindle and grow the relationship we had before. It is so painful for me to realize that Darrel didn’t feel worthy of me, or any good woman for that matter that would love him just as he is. Energy doesn’t lie. I told him many times what his energy showed and he confirmed what he couldn’t put into words. I also explained to him all the metaphysical reasons behind any medical issues he has ever had. That all made perfect sense to him. My poem for him was called “I wish”. I told him that he is the only one that could turn that into “I am”. We didn’t get that chance again. I have had a lot of support from my holistic and spiritual friends who understand soul connections. I am learning more and more how to connect with him on the spiritual level. At least I have that, just as our Spiritual Lessons are “Follow your soul mission” and “You are eternal”. In that sense, he stepped up in a big way.

December 25 2021: I have been meaning to come back and write here but some days I get too caught up in my thoughts and tears. I have had several people message me saying that many have cried along with me through my words. My words here have come from my heart. Darrel has always been “my heart”, I just didn’t realize it so much until I opened my own heart through energy healing.
Several times over the last few weeks, my thoughts have been prompted by certain discussions, how some of these ideas applied to my relationship with Darrel over the years. I remember thinking that of all the times Darrel spent the night with me, he never left in the middle of the night. I think there were things we both did with other partners over the years but not with each other. It’s like we were both searching elsewhere but not when we were with each other. Not sure if any of that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me.
The biggest thing that happened the last few weeks is that my dear friend Barb called December 1st. She has been my angel card reader for a few years. She had some issues going tho, on so I did a energy clearing session with her while chatting. Then we just chatted and caught up with each other, not a reading for me. But, in the midst of chatting she said that Darrel came through to interrupt our conversation. First, he was sending me flowers. Then he said thank you for always loving him so unconditionally, and for “setting me free”. He kept saying thank you for setting him free. He also said to not let them/ those addicts hurt my heart anymore. (Meaning his family, friends etc?).
Through the rest of chatting, Barb admitted that she knew back in Oct 2018 why Gramma Lucy sent rainbows then, but she didn’t have the heart to tell me. I understand it all now though.
I am becoming more accepting that Darrel is nearby and I am pretty sure he is trying to talk to me but I cannot hear it. They have a higher vibration on the other side so I need to learn how to adjust my hearing to hear. I need to develop that clair gift. I am hoping to develop my visual clairs too so I can see him and not just feel or sense his energy.
Someday …
Had a few teary moments…. one yesterday morning with Christmas music. Wondering how his kids are fairing over the holidays. His kids were so important to him.

January 3 2021: Some days I really miss Darrel and wonder so many what ifs, if he had pulled through would we have rekindled our relationship. Other days I feel so mad and angry that he “left” this earth plane, just when we were becoming closer, or so it seemed with more clarity between us. Then I feel angry that he was so “trapped” in this life. I can only hope that if there is a “next life” for us, that we will be able to have the relationship with each other that we have always wanted and deserved, and without the interference from those who trapped him in this life.
I was sent a video link the other day. I have not watched the entire thing, but about 20 minutes in, it explains what happens when our Twin Flame passes on. Totally makes sense for me with the sense of loss. And that for so many year I have felt him no matter where each of us were. No one else in my life ever lived up to what I felt with Darrel. I don’t have that heaviness and uncertainty with his energy now. I have done lots of energy work so I know he IS actually free with no unfinished business here now.
33 Channeled TwinFlame Questions by Wolfgang answered by Raj, Robin’s High Self
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVWiwzrKlhE

Jackie N. Rioux to Darrel Koehl FB post March 11 2022
Darrel Koehl Thank you for the messages the other day. I know you’re always around me. I’ll love you for eternity.
Hey God. Hey John. Mach 11 2022
death is the wildfire
that rips through
the forest of our life
it scorches the ground
it chars the rocks
it engulfs the trees
death is the fire
that comes to consume
everything
~ but it can’t
because after the fire is gone
there is always a miracle waiting
under the ashes of what our lives
used to look like
~ and the miracle is called grief
grief is the slow motion
recovery
that follows the insatiable
fire of death
to grieve the
loss of our beloved
means that death
didn’t burn everything
our adoration and memories
of our beloved remain fully
intact underneath the soot
after death rages through
you see,
my love,
death may knock
down every tree
in our forest
but since
grief is the aching itch
of recovery that
we can feel stirring
beneath the scalded ground
it means that death
doesn’t get the last word
~ love does
love is the sapling
that come after the
devastating fire
love is the grass pushing
up through the once barren
fire-licked woodland floor
love is relentless
and there is no element
in existence that can
ever destroy it
love is always working
it’s way back to us
no matter how hot
the wildfire blazed
grief is proof
that we didn’t
let death win
death wants us
to feel numb
~ to feel utter despair
but when we allow
ourselves to grieve
we keep the ashes
from hardening
grief is the fluttering
inside of us that
reminds the world
that although our
world has burned
down to the roots
that there is still
life within us
and if we can hold
on long enough
life will eventually start pouring
out of all of our smoldering wounds
ecologists say that sometimes
when forests burn down
they can explode into thousands
of wildflowers
they call it a “superbloom”
~ that’s what grief is
death may burn our world
but grief allows it to grow back
maybe it will never
look like it used to
~ and maybe that is totally okay
because maybe
just maybe
~ grief is meant to change us
grief is the superbloom
that comes after the inferno
****
This piece will be a part of my upcoming poetry collection on grief that I will be releasing in April.
(john roedel)

March 12 2022
Five and a half months… Where does the time go? As hard as it is, so many things are coming to light in understanding that our guides blocked me from knowing about Darrel’s accident and passing because it was his time to go and I would have interfered and made it worse for myself. Kind of protection for me so I could continue my time here until my turn to leave.
I remember a reading back in November 2018 when I was told that there may be a future with Darrel “but he may hold you back from your soul mission”.
I just had a reading the other day with Sage Lesage. Darrel came through with messages. He never understood just how much I had loved him. He was amazed at my accomplishments in life and I showed him a different side of life he had never known or felt he could live up to. He was a little shocked that his “time was up” right then and that I was being protected from knowing so I wouldn’t interfere with his passing or make my grief process that much worse for myself, or him. He said our time now “Wasn’t in the cards this time, but it will be different next time”. He said he is always around me and to live my life to the fullest here, until next time.
I have looked back in texts, letters I wrote to him, etc. I was always encouraging him. Challenging him to see a different side of things. I know that is why he always came to me, why I was so much of a treasure to him. I suppose this was all our soul lessons this time so next time will be so much better. I am realizing just how much Darrel was a part of my thoughts for so much of our lives. Maybe that is how he held me back in some ways, just because of where he was and how “trapped” he was. Now he is free though and we are always soul connected.
I have cleared off all my social media posts except one from his social media page. I made a separate condolences website page so I can memorialize all that as well. I still have not found any obituary or any information on a celebration of life. I cannot bring myself to go look on his social media page anymore. I don’t want to see posts from any of the drama queens that held him back in this life. I probably wouldn’t be welcome to any celebration of life anyway. Why bother. My connection with Darrel has always been more spiritual. He is so much better than any of his physical family he had in this life. My celebration of Darrel and my love for him are here in these pages, and forever in my heart and soul.

July 20 2022
Ironically today is the anniversary date of my first marriage. Today is the date I have finally come back to this page to write about Darrel as he has been on my mind for quite a while the last few months. His birthday was June 23rd. Memories have been weighing heavily on me all along. I keep thinking of our last kiss and have come to realize that maybe I did know on a soul level that would be the last kiss and the last time I saw him in person. It was a gentle sweet lingering kiss. We had parted and I called him back to say a last sentiment to take care of himself.

I have not yet got up the readiness to go through our past texts, messages, and letters. It all just brings the memories of our soul connection crashing into tears again.

My bro in law Jeal came for a visit a few weeks ago. He asked me how I coped through Darrel’s birthday. Not very well actually. Social media reminded me all day. I have not been able to open up Darrel’s page and look at anyone else’s sentiments. I finally did write something acknowledging this social media obligation to send sentiments even though he is not there. I prefer to write here anyway to share my heart thoughts with anyone who cares to read it, but more for my own grief therapy.
Jeal said it was a hard day for him as well. Darrel was always his “lil bro”. I reminisced about my birthday wishes to Darrel last year and how Darrel had been choked up in tears hearing my words to him.

In other news, our kitty cat Diamond who is Darrel’s energy, went missing July 3rd. I am praying for his return. I have worked with some other practitioners energetically. We’re sure Diamond is alive and well, just out of sight at the moment.

I finished that Akashic course after much frustration. I am not sure what the karmic lessons were with that course but I cancelled everything and cut associations.
I have started on the other original course and it is so much better and more in depth effective learning. I am looking forward to completing that course and I am certain it will be much better than the other experience. Maybe I will finally learn more about my soul connection and Twin Flame relationship with Darrel.

January 3 2023
It’s been a while. I have been meaning to come back to write again. So much has happened since I last wrote here. Since July 2022 there have been about 25 people our family knows who have passed away under various circumstances. Extended family, friends, and friends of friends. Just one after the other like landmine of grief exposure.
Diamond went missing, then Max, Meeko, and Linda as well. Still praying they will find their way home. I have written about this in other pages within this website.
I went on two brief trips to Terrace. One in August and one in November. It wasn’t quite as hard as I expected being there and being exposed to memories and locations. I did find out after the fact that apparently there was a Celebration of Life held at Blake’s home August 15 2022 in Grande Prairie. I think that was the same weekend I was in Terrace. I suppose that would have been some closure for his loved ones and earth family. I feel like I have never had any closure. I still have not attempted to go through texts, letters, etc. and I cannot go look at his FB page at all. Maybe that one will disappear because it was his old account. The other one was turned into a memorial page and run by his mother so obviously I have no access there.
As for me, I keep clearing my energy. Trying to accept the fact that this was his soul time to exit.
I do my sleep time intentions and I am pretty sure we have had visits in my dreams.
I worked with a Discover Healing practitioner for a few weeks on clearing my heart wall. Maybe this will open me up for new possibilities and maybe new love in my life since I am still here and Darrel is not.