I hate to admit it, but I’m the perfect husband.I’m not being conceited nor am I necessarily bragging, because I know that being the perfect husband is a God-given talent, and you’re either born with it or you’re not.The perfect husband is one who is able to see his wife’s faults, correct them if they need correcting, show her what she is doing wrong.

Marriage counselors will tell you that the happiest unions are those in which one of the mates is perfect and the other is not.Most marriages go on the rocks when both mates are perfect or both imperfect.I was lucky to find an imperfect wife, and as a result we’ve had a very happy marriage.

It isn’t easy to be the perfect husband.For one thing, you have to be right all the time, and it can be embarrassing when you constantly have to point out to your wife her mistakes.Occasionally she gets exasperated and shouts, “If I could win a argument just once—that’s all I ask.Let me win just once!”

I would love her to win an argument; but how can I when she’s always wrong?I could fake it, I guess, and pretend she was right; but how can a wife respect a man who is wrong?

Let me cite some of the problems that a perfect husband faces:

His wife has been home all day with the children.Her nerves may be slightly frayed.She keeps screaming, “Just wait until your father gets home!”Now the perfect husband comes home.His role is that of a Supreme Court Justice.He must hear both sides.In many cases, I’ve had to rule against my wife.She may have demanded that my son be sent to bed without his supper or my daughter is forbidden to go ice-skating.But, after hearing the arguments, I’ve had to rule in favor of the children.Naturally, my wife is disappointed, and at the time she can even be angry.But I have no choice.Since I’m also the perfect father, I wouldn’t want the children to think badly of me.

As the perfect husband, I have had, on occasion, to point out to my wife the faults in her relatives.Sometimes she feels the criticism is unjust.But I explain to her that she is blinded by familial love, and since I am not related to any of her people, it is easier for me to see what’s wrong with them.

If one is perfect in his home life, he should also be perfect in his social life.At parties I am most flattering to the ladies.My wife has always felt that at a party I should pay more attention to her and some of our fights have been over the attentions I have paid to other women.

It’s hard for her to understand that, since I am the perfect husband, she shouldn’t be selfish about me.Some of the women I talk to may not have perfect husbands and may need a friendly ear or a sympathetic smile.But all my wife gets out of it is that I’m flirting.

Some men think that to be the perfect husband they have had to help around the house, cut the lawn, take out the garbage, and clean the cellar.This is nonsense.Kings don’t stand guard duty; presidents don’t shovel snow; prime ministers don’t wash their own cars.If you’re the perfect husband, you must insist on dignity and delegate authority.Let people with imperfections do the dirty work.

If you are married to the perfect man, you probably have recognized in your own husband all the traits that I have pointed out here.If you’re not, aren’t you sorry that you’re not married to me?

~Art Buchwald