My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. 

Red head: A blonde with attitude.
Blonde: A red head with the fire knocked out of her.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!

If you think being small is an excuse for not being effective, then you haven't been in bed with a mosquito.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says:  W T F

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more, so it started filling up the rest of me.

Adolescence: The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

Multi-tasking is the art of screwing up several things at once.

Never mess an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

It's good to cry… if you're a sissy, but it's much better to grab a heavy blunt instrument and hit the idiot over the head who ruined your day.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

A smile is a curve that sets a lot of things straight.

Avoid shortcuts. They always take too much time in the long run.

Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll show you somebody who has never achieved much.

Definition of boy: Noise with dirt on it. 
In this world of ordinary people, thank heavens there’s me!

Keep smiling! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.

Keep smiling! It gives your face something to do.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.  That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away–and barefoot.

Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I’m lost.  I’ve gone to look for myself.  If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt.

Changing your mind won’t keep it clean.

Mistakes will happen, but why do you give them so much help?

So what if I ain’t good looking—I’m faithful!!

You don’t have to crazy to work here, but it helps!

The hurrider I go, the behinder I get.

Do it tomorrow—you made enough mistakes today.

What can you possibly expect from a day that begins with going to work.

Be reasonable—do it my way!

I’ve got plenty of ambition—I just hate to waste it on work.

If found by person, return by mail; if found by male, return by person. 

Hash isn’t made, it accumulates. 

I try to take one day at a time — but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example — then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

In politics, if want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen

If you're too open minded your brains will fall out.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Teamwork… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.Think of your three best friends. If they're fine, its YOU!

Birds of a feather flock together . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs…'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or  leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice  change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
    
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth … AMEN! 

 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
 bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
 you with experience.
 
 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming
 and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
 
 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
 
 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
 until you hear them speak.
 
 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
 better have a good hand.
 
 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
 
 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
 erection, make him a sandwich.
 
 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
 changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 
 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
 fruit salad.
 
 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
 and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and
 shut-up.
 
 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
 
 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
 tell you why it isn't.
 
 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
 stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
 
 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
 garage makes you a car.
 
 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 
 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove
 all doubt.
 
 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
 
 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
 
 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one
 enjoys it?
 
 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you
 can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
 box to start a campfire?
 
 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
 don't need it.
 
 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
 captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
 throw them fish?
 
 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
 same night.
 
 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
 but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said
 "Implants?"
 
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
 a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

***************************************
Amazingly Easy Home Remedies
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using
the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.
**************************************

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Just remember…if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart

*************************
GOOD ADVICE:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back inyour pocket.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
 The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut
*******************************************

"Never squat while wearing your spurs" ~ Will Rogers

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to
keep my hands free for making gestures."

Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an
incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I
recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I
want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,
like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody
in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much
better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

******************************************************

STRESS MANAGEMENT 101

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass
of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out
ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't
matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour,
I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to
call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold
it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry
our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of
water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't
carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying
now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later
after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.