Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar. The Bartender says: I am going to need to see some ID.

New gardeners learn by trowel and error.

On my tombstone, please write “Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake”.

Rela-pun-ship goals: Will clever word play deePUN our relationship? It could hapPUN.

All my puns are on porpoise.

You must be a teacher, you have a lot of class.

Writing: A profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t want to make eye contact while telling it.

Too much pi gives you a large circumference.
How do you have a party in space? You planet.
I like camouflage jokes because you don’t see them coming.
Guitars don’t fall asleep on their own. You have to rock them first.
Apparently you cannot use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? Eh, let’s skip it.
What time is it? Maritime. What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing it just waved! Sea what I did there? I’m shore you did.
Irony: The opposite of wrinkly.
A rich snail goes into a car shop, picks out a super fast car, and says “I want a big S painted on the right side, the left side, the front, the back, I want big S’s everywhere.” And the car painter asks “Why?” And the snail says “Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say ‘Wow! Look at that escargot!”
So apparently people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones… but people in Abu Dhabi do
If a fly has no wings, is it a walk?
Why do you get a dog “fixed” when it doesn’t work anymore?
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Sometimes I feel like I am parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
So apparently people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones… but people in Abu Dhabi do
Some aquatic zoo animals escaped. It was otter chaos. I tried to save them but they didn’t want any kelp.
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!”

Price of gas in France
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van..
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.’
I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.’
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else….
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer !

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Q. What do elves learn in school?
A. The elf-abet.

“A big ego without a big commitment backing it up is nothing more than stubbornness. It makes you look silly and weak.”
– Mandy van der Put