This is an opportunity for you, the reader, to see a deeply personal past area of my life. To see a bit of what I endured and overcame of my own past. This is not shared for sympathy. This is shared as an opportunity for you to find encouragement and inspiration to apply to your own life. I ask that through reading this that you do not hold judgments against my father as he is now passed. This life journey with him is completed. Let’s move forward with the lessons learned so we can assist others in their soul journeys.
In an energy clearing session I had with a very intuitive practitioner in November of 2017, my father unexpectedly came through with a message offering an apology for all I endured in this life because of him. He also “extended a hand of friendship”. I would like accept that offer and to allow him to rest in Peace.
Introduction to these final words:
The relationship I had with my father was contentious all along. He was totalitarian, it was his way or no way, and hell to pay if I ever crossed him. I was expected to clean the kitchen “with a toothbrush” as punishment, or whatever other struggle he chose for me to endure. I was the eldest of four girls, jokingly raised as the babysitter. Since I didn’t have brothers I got to stack wood and learn many of the “tougher” chores, which was actually more of a benefit than I realized at the time.
If you know my published story, you know that my father crossed a line that no father should cross in his attempts to teach me. Despite all this, I am sharing my final words with him in hopes that this will encourage others to speak their own truths and to stand up to adversity, and to grow from their own experiences in their own way.
Through my own personal growth and soul journey, I have learned that we choose our parents, our life lessons, and our soul journey evolution long before we are physically conceived into this human body. Although the experiences I have been through with my father were for the most part harsh, I am thankful for the gifts he gave me in showing up as a soul mentor in this life. These experiences are now my gift in serving others as my soul purpose intended.
My father controlled me well into my 30s. But he also disowned me a few times once I matured and stood up to him. He didn’t like being told that he was the adult and I was the child when I called him out on him crossing boundaries with me. I had no contact with my father from March of 2004 until May of 2012. He had blamed me completely for the failure of my second marriage in 2004, and I did not see him again until May of 2012 when my sister got married. I doubt anyone was the wiser or realized this family rift as I MC’d her wedding with my father taking the floor several times as well.
It was shortly after the wedding that my father fell sick. With my sister’s pleading request, I did some distance energy healing for my father and he seemed to pull through. He kept in touch via email and thanked me for my prayers for his continued health, yet he berated me for my involvement with energy healing as well because it was not in line with his values. He quoted scripture constantly, picking and choosing ways to justify his judgments of me.
Although my father was apprehensive of social media, he finally got on Facebook. Then his judgments of me took another turn in that he was mad that I did not acknowledge him publicly as my father. That was a technical issue he didn’t understand but his emails and comments invoked me to make some public posts on social media. First, he went through my posts and picked apart and judged me for anything there. Again, more misunderstandings. I usually don’t post “drama” and family issues on social media, but this was one case where I did and I let it all hang out. I remember walking into work the next day and feeling all the looks from others who finally understood my background. I received many private messages praising my bravery to speak up publicly, and with sympathies for my past experiences. I did not write or share any of this for sympathy! I share to encourage others to stand up for themselves. If I can overcome my past, you can too!
My father passed away 3 weeks after this public exchange. He was living in Mexico so I had only seen him at the wedding two years prior. I can tell you from my own experience, that it does not matter what the relationship was with our parents, when they pass away, it hurts. They have been our teachers and our roots. And yes I cried, profusely, in the realization that my soul journey with my earthly father was now done in this life.
As you can see from these writings, I had many more realizations after he passed. I am at peace with all my previous experiences now, yet I know my story can be an encouragement to others. So with that in mind, I share the final words with my father…
All of my father’s broken English and grammar has been left intact in these posts. Thank you to all my friends who also commented on these posts.
Final Words with my Father:
Meme posted on my social media timeline: “Be Careful who you share your weaknesses with. Some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against you”.
August 30 2014: Lou Haselmeyer known that for 30 years
Jackie N. Rioux Only 30 years? I figured that out when I was in grade school. Unfortunately I still try to see the good in people. It takes a while to turn weaknesses into your greatest strengths… Then when things get turned on you, no one important will believe it…
August 31 2014: Jackie N. Rioux I deleted a comment here yesterday, but I have decided it should stay here… so…
Lou wrote: “then you say, I am not important? first you forget to say so, that your my daughter, now I HAVE TO CONFIRM it? Yes sir, very cool, and my comment about rhetoric’s is true, yes? bless you girl.”
September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer well , now, how long are we to keep this laundromat open? You deleted it because you got VERY mad that i told you the truth, then you returned it, because you think it would make mending easy. Did you not say one time that actions speak louder then words? Did i not tell you that according the biblical scripture, you do things not according to GOD’s word? did you not tell me that you believe in the bible? do you now recant?
September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer Jackie, i do nor write all this because i want to make you feel bad, not by a long shot. I wish for you to WAKE UP to the scripture, as you told me you believe in. There is no mistake, believe me, when i say to you, that i love you, but i will not make compromises with regards to the bible. You want to be successful with your business, but that is not scriptural. Jackie, maybe this is a inspired warning, you have , but a moment of time to sit “ON” a picked fence. Time is short, you must choose. I, for one, will keep you in my prayers. Read in my F/B about repentence and you will see, I will pray that GOD will have mercy on all of us May you have GOD’s blessings
September 1 2014: Lou Haselmeyer the point here is that now that I AM NOT YOUR FATHER?, you dont have respect enough to say “my father said” – – –
Jackie N. Rioux I’m thinking you should be looking at yourself rather than calling the kettle black here. You want acknowledgement that you are my father???? Ok… Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!!!
Jared Rioux Lou, no matter how hard you pray or how much you repent, even god himself cannot forgive you for what you did to my family.
Jackie N. Rioux Well actually God can forgive… Christ’s last words on the cross were “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do”
Deborah Wallace Jackie, just keep being true to yourself. Don’t let him get to you.
Jackie N. Rioux He doesn’t get to me… That’s why I am able to make the post I did and just put it all out there. I’m done with accusations and assumptions
Deborah Wallace You’re a strong woman
Jackie N Rioux:
September 1 2014 My apologies to those who might be shocked or offended, but my father is demanding acknowledgement that he is my father thru email and FB comments. This is the email received a couple days ago:
“Jackie, I don’t remember when it was that i received the last e-mail from you, but it was very disappointing, to say the least. Do you know why? I only remember that the contend was 3 words. It shocked me, thinking that you had no interest to continue our e-mail exchange. I have been constantly thinking why only 3 letters. Then, today, i went down (i never did before) your time line, and again you shocked me.
Your birth is shown that you were born ONLY BY YOUR MOM, (Helen Burnett Haselmeyer) MY EX-WIFE, WITH OUT MY ADDING TO IT. (how old are you and when did the BURNETT come into the picture) I had half way antisipated to take a trip north, but it seems to me that i am not welcome any more. It is also indicated that i would do some PREACHING (to whom i don’t know and do you remember that you placed in face book about the worth of friends) that Bill imply s. In the last few days i have looked at a lot of comments that were made in face book, and it boggles my mind to think that all the rhetoric, comments and reply’s coming from sane people. (please don’t get insulted over my saying so)
Jackie, do not think for a minute that i concider me to be a looser, far from it. ( I am well accomplished here) I own a very large home here and no payments (according to local standards) I am well respected here in the family, have accumulated a fair amount of tools and costly electronics (as i had before) and do my own carpentry and build my own furniture.
Yes, I have done well, however, I did not have the strength to do it by myself, the glory for my accomplishments belong to JESUS CHRIST and as you well know, Jesus has given me a new lease on life and i have dedicated my ways to HIS service. It also shows that many replys you made are not christian like.
Jackie, you will always be in my thoughts and i pray that you stay healthy and vibrant along with all of your family. Blessings to you and all your loves ones, your DAD.
For God so loved the world–“
Jackie N. Rioux http://books.google.ca/books?id=0QHGjx8le6oC&pg=PA45… Emotional abuse checklist…
Jackie N. Rioux My reply in comments section… I hope you feel better after your little rant with your judgments and assumptions of me, yet again. For someone who swore they would never go on Facebook, and for someone who has disowned me for 8 years of my life, it seems to be awfully important to you for me to acknowledge on Facebook that you are indeed my biological father and ‘important’. So yes I will acknowledge that you apparently were there at the time of my conception at a forestry lookout in Smithers BC in the fall of 1966. Thank you for giving me life. As for the title of father, you have always demanded respect thru your totalitarian parenting. I respect the fact that you gave me life but beyond that, respect is earned, not given and that is where I have serious issues with the title of FATHER and acknowledging that I am your daughter. Biologically yes, but “daddy’s little girl” is a term that still sends chills down my spine. A father is someone who is supposed to honor their wife as mother of their children, and protect the family, particularly daughters from abuses so prevalent in this world. Through my childhood we went to church on Sundays and appeared to be the perfect little family. Behind closed doors was quite different and it is only because of my Grandma Burnett and my ‘other mom’ Marj that my Christian beliefs were not completely tarnished beyond repair. You seem to have taken up a extreme sense of religion since you came back from the edge of death a couple years ago. That is great in many ways, but I do not appreciate your judgments of my faith that have been quite evident in your emails to me. You obviously have no idea of my journey in life.
Facebook is a public forum social network where people post whatever they would like to share with the world. There is a variety of people who post inspiration, life events, accomplishments and good things. Some vent their dirty laundry, rants, and drama. I tend to avoid the latter negativity. You said you checked out my timeline and was shocked at my posts, the comments etc and said some things were not very Christian. You are entitled to your opinion, my apologies for not being what you expect of me. You seem to like that post about be careful who you share your weaknesses with because people will use it against you. What I have learned in life is that when you expose your greatest weaknesses and turn them into strengths, your enemies have no grounds to hurt you. The bible says that Light will always expose the darkness. Sin will always find its way out and yet truth will always prevail.
So for you, Dear Daddy, I will expose my greatest weakness and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe then you will finally understand why I am the way I am and how YOU were instrumental in shaping my character. I am sending you a private email with more details than what I will share here because I have been told that the content is “f***ing disturbing” by those who have read it and I do not want to illicit pity for what I have endured. I am a SURVIVOR, not a victim. I am THANKFUL for all my experiences in life because each experience has taught me virtues and shaped my character in ways that would not be possible otherwise.
A father is supposed to protect me from all harm so I have had a tough go through life understanding my childhood traumas. After two failed marriages and many trials in life, I took psychology classes and read lots of books to try to make sense of my experiences and to understand WHY ME? I was SIX YEARS OLD when a 16 year old native boy came to live with us for the summer. We had taken in many boarders in the 70’s but this one was different. His word was believed over mine when I was found in his room once and no one noticed the nightly horrors a little girl was hiding because of the threats of him killing her parents if anyone was told. Then there were the dead squirrels, the mountain hikes with him, and the shotgun pointed at me. It is only the last few years that I have been able to face those traumas by going into the forests without reliving the times I was abandoned or tied up. I even shot a gun recently.
Jackie N. Rioux It was several years later in school that we saw films that most kids giggled at while I sat in absolute terror thinking I would be pregnant. It was then that I had to tell my father about my experience with that boy. You were so mad you wanted to kill him for violating your little girl yet it was still not quite believed that it actually happened and he was long gone anyway. The nightmares of his threats continued well into my adult life. I always thought this experience was what damaged me the most. Sexual abuse violates a child to the very core of their being, on physical, emotional and spiritual levels. It is the worst shame to carry. A child with such low self esteem and self worth is like a wounded chicken in the coop of life and is targeted as victim. I didn’t have many friends. I was bullied and picked on in school. I told a few kids of my trauma and the cruel ones used it against me. Survival of the fittest is a process of natural selection in the animal kingdom. Sometimes I wondered if the ‘undesirables’ like me were killed off that society might be a better place. My father always told me he was available to talk any time, he would always be there for me. Unfortunately when I was barely a teenager that availability and teaching was taken over a boundary line that a father should never cross. I was his confidante and was told many things about my mother and marital issues that a daughter should never hear. This ruined the chances of ever being close with my mother. I came to dread her working evenings as my ‘learning’ progressed. There were two other experiences with adult men, neighbors, before I was 16 years old. By then I learned my purpose in life was just to be an object to satisfy the pleasures of creepy men. I wanted to escape this sheltered childhood so the first boy that came along and told me I was pretty seemed like a good escape plan to save me. It was frying pan into fire with a teen pregnancy. I remember the lecture I received on how I embarrassed my father and tarnished my reputation of Daddy’s little girl to all his friends and coworkers. I got married to do the ‘right thing’, and had 3 more kids before I realized this marriage was doomed to fail. My husband got so drunk on our wedding night that we had a big fight and he slept on the couch. That should have been a red flag, but I was determined to make it work with someone who was neglectful and inattentive to anything a marriage or wife needs. He knew about the first trauma and still accepted me– thankfully because in some cultures violated women aren’t fit for marriage. When my husband asked why I was ‘so good with my hands’, the reply “my father taught me” didn’t go over well. My in-laws sent me for counseling and by statute of limitations I could have sent my father to jail. I didn’t want to relive anything in court so I didn’t do anything. Counselors reported the abuse, my father blamed me for the exposure of our little secret and said that I had a big mouth, I should have kept quiet rather than cause all the embarrassment. My father ruled our home with fear, threats and violent outbursts. He became a closet alcoholic and began hitting my sisters after I moved out and he lost his confidante. I was scared of him well into my 20’s. Well, until my baby sister stood up to him and ran away. My sister Danya was wearing braces and glasses when he slapped her hard for her defiant attitude and slamming a door. It was then that I stood up to him and we had a confrontation. He blamed me again for the embarrassment he suffered from the exposure of our secret. I told him he was the adult, I wasn’t. He disowned me for 6 months and also blamed me for the breakup of my marriage. When my second marriage failed, yet again I was blamed for ruining someone else’s life. I stood up to him again and told him to “F*** off”. That is disrespectful to a parent and he disowned me for 8 years without ever listening to my reasons for ending that marriage. When he questioned my daughter as to why she avoided letting him take his great granddaughter overnight, she was told “your mother wanted it” and she was disowned as well. I learned to lean on myself with very little outside support as I am the oldest sibling and didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to. I am thankful for those friends who were instrumental in helping me getting thru some rough times and battered self esteem. When one marriage fails, it is easy to blame someone else. When a second marriage fails, it’s time to look in the mirror. I stayed away from men for over 5 years and tried to heal myself. A book I read that helped me more than any counselor ever did was “Secret Survivors” by Sue E Blume, written for incest/sexual abuse survivors.
Jackie N. Rioux
When my sister got married in 2012, I dreaded seeing my father but told my kids to respect my sister’s wedding day. The day went off well and I am sure no one realized the rift between my father and I. At the rehearsal he asked to talk to me, which surprised a few people who knew of the past. We didn’t get a chance to talk with the busyness of the event. I figured he was trying to make amends in his last days. My intuition was confirmed a few weeks later when I learned that my father had pancreatitis, a result of his drinking. I had always wondered how I would react to bad news about him. I bawled my eyes out for 2 days straight. When I pulled myself together, I used my energy work skills to work on him through distance. I call it high powered prayers. He had been at 8% life yet pulled through. God only knows if it was because of any of my efforts, or just the collective prayers of those around him. When he called a month later, that was the first time we spoke in years. He thanked me for prayers. The emails between us had been sporadic. Slowly I realized his judgments, self righteousness, and expectations are all still there, only more amplified in his own ‘salvation’ which I wonder if that is genuine because he doesn’t seem much different to me than the ogre I knew from my childhood. He still carries seething resentment towards my mother, and judgments towards me. A true Christian should be more accepting, forgiving and non judgmental?? When he was feeling better he accused me that my energy work was not Christian based. No, it is not any religion based actually, it is ENERGY. But, if Christians believe we were created, then energy is creation as well, and so is quantum physics.
So Daddy Dearest, there is my greatest weakness all exposed for everyone to see. You wanted confirmation and acknowledgment on Facebook, so there you go. Thank you for giving me life and thank you for your lack of protection of my childhood innocence. Thank you also for your contributions in also being instrumental in violating my childhood innocence in the name of teaching me. This is not sarcasm, this is sincerity and openness. I forgave you a long time ago for ‘hurting’ me. It took me a long time to forgive the hate and resentment I blamed you for in my poor choices in men and relationships. I blamed you for my trust issues, dysfunctional boundaries, and my distorted views of love, intimacy, respect and honor. I have had to find my inner strength to stand up for myself because I have never known what it is like to have the comfort and protection that a ‘man’/father is supposed to provide. Without these experiences to shape my life, I would not be where I am today. I learned that you also have had your own childhood traumas. It is not my place to judge your life journey or ask why you didn’t deal with your inner demons of abuse rather than perpetuating the cycle and affecting me as well. Or why you continue to find faults in me. Everything happens for a reason in the tapestry of life. Biologically you are my father, but we have different journeys in life. Parents are only ‘needed’ early in life to shape our character. After that it is up to individuals to find their own life purpose. Through my experiences I learned compassion, I learned to recognize the signs of abuse and I learned how to overcome obstacles in life. I learned to let go of fear so that nothing stands in the way of my determination. The one thing that I am proud of is that I never turned to alcohol, drugs or meds to numb the inner anguish I felt. (Mainly because I had four children to raise alone and protect). My courage and confidence is all real and all mine. It does not come from a can or a bottle! I also learned that the life skills I have now through my energy work are instrumental in helping others through their life traumas. I know this because I have managed to heal my own traumas to the point that I can talk freely about my experiences without it controlling and upsetting me.
Now, to address some of your concerns you expressed in your email this time and previously, my Facebook posts are reflective of whatever I am feeling like sharing with the world at any given time. I share pics of family and adventures, I vent and I try to inspire those who choose to see my posts. Sometimes my posts are full of sarcasm depending on whatever I am feeling or going through. They are not meant to be taken personally by any one person. You are entitled to your judgment that some things may not be Christian in your views. I am entitled to post whatever I damn well feel like. I have told you several times before that my faith is none of your business. Religion is for those who fear hell, spirituality is for those who have been there. I have been there. I wonder if you have any idea what confusion I have gone through in my life trying to comprehend a Heavenly Father who might protect and comfort me the way my earthly father had failed me. I thought of myself as undesirable, unwanted and dirty, how could even God want something so violated as me. Now I know that it is this faith and acceptance that is the only thing that allows me to hold my head up and let go of the shame I carried for so many years. If the posts lately are of concern, it may be reflective of personal things I am going thru right now in abruptly losing a two year ‘friendship’ 6 weeks ago when my ‘companion’ got bored of me. I am coming to terms with the fact that I chose to be in an emotionally degrading ‘relationship’ of sorts that did not acknowledge, respect or honor me in any way. I am still learning my lessons obviously. And I’m bracing for your judgments of me there again.
I actually do not use email that much as most of Facebook keeps me in touch with everyone so I don’t understand why you are so upset and thinking I didn’t want to continue emails. The 3 words were an acknowledgment of what you sent me and I didn’t get around to writing again. Simple. If you have been keeping up with my Facebook posts, you might notice I like to keep fairly busy. Honestly, each time I have replied to your emails I feel like all I am doing is trying to explain misunderstandings and defend myself to your assumptions and judgments.
If you choose to come to Canada to visit, that is your choice. I am mature enough to be pleasant, just like at Danya’s wedding but please do not expect me to be the ‘Daddy’s little girl’ you seem to expect. As well, my children have not reached a point in life to be quite as forgiving as me, so please don’t expect an open arms welcome from them.
Debbie Kinton Love you, Chipmunk ❤❤❤
Ingrid Michaud Thank you for your words Jackie, they are inspiration to those who go through a journey to overcome difficult times during their lives. My hat is off to you. You are brave women who has come a long way.
Nadine Plouffe Jackie…you are so strong and have come a long way…very impressive to overcome all you have and be such an amazing person…you have done the right thing..in my opinion…answer to nobody and don’t ever feel you need to explain, defend or justify yourself to anyone…bottom line…to be happy and satisfied with yourself is ALL anyone needs in life…and being there and being positive for others as well…is just a cherry on top…
You go girl ❤ very inspirational!! You are stronger than most!
Charlene Ross love
Gordon Schultz-Hill If I was where you are the only think I could think of doing would be to give you a hug! You are the smartest woman I know and respect your drive to learn! I love the fact that you look at life and stare it down no matter what it may bring! Keep fighting the good fight and true to what you have learned, one day at a time my friend!
Andrea Storti Wow, that really f*cking sucks – sorry! Makes me want to hug my kids! Xo
Jared Rioux Well now I understand why all my sisters hated my grandfather so much.. I have been in the dark about the whispers of abuse in our family that had happened many years ago.
Lou Haselmeyer there is enough laundry on the line and if you wish, leave it there i do not mind the truth , neither do i falsify it. All of you that think you KNOW??? think again, there are always 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the TRUTH. MY COMMENT? the greater the benefits, the more lie’s.
Nadine Plouffe Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions in live…those who realize them..are strong…however…those who have been affected by your bad decision and mistakes…yet pick themselves up..are even STRONGER!!!
What Jackie has posted is a very hard thing to admit…let alone post and I have never known her to lie!!!!!
That being said..yes there is always more than 1 side to every story…but when truth is told…that is when the accused never seems to have a rebuttal…hmmmmm
Admit when you’re wrong…and stand up for yourself when you are right…. the higher power will then prevail…living in lies…karma will come back on you….just saying! (even though this is none of my business…it was publicly posted…and I believe in being there for those who I know would be there for me)
Jackie N. Rioux: In the last few hours I have received several private messages from people who knew me in childhood… Oh and I do need to add here, there were several kids who picked on me in school… as adults we have become friends and made amends. Anyway, these people who knew me back then, or knew my family… many of them already ‘knew’ something was not right and now they have confirmation of all their suspicions.
Gordon Schultz-Hill I am sorry that things like that happened to you but I am glad that it made you the person you are today! You are welcome to talk with me any time you wish, I hope you know that.
Jackie N. Rioux Thanks Gord, I know and thank u. I am very fortunate these days to have quite an amazing bunch of friends. Truly blessed that way
Rebecca Marie Simms Hugs! Know that you are loved! Be You. The world will adjust.
Karla Woeste Hmm, now I understand why you always seemed to looked “haunted” in school. That said, I always knew there was a core of steel, it just had to be tempered some more. You are amazing, never let anyone tell you otherwise!
Betty Hoff (((HUGS))) my friend Jackie, always stay strong and change for nobody ❤
Jackie N. Rioux Ahahahaha.. haunted. I love it! Oh boy Karla, there’s lots I didn’t say here. Yes, haunted is a very good description of me back then. Now I look haunted for different reasons in that I only get pushed so far before I speak up for me and everyone around me. I am quite surprised at all the messages I have received. Yes people seemed to know. I really opened a can of worms here but that seems to be quite a good thing in what I have apparently inspired in a few people today. Just to be sure here, so everyone knows… These things do not hurt me anymore, this post was mainly to show that anything is possible, and anything can be overcome.
Dana Leanne Marshall Jackie I’m so sorry you endured such horrifying abuse. You are a beautiful soul and always seem so strong and together:) it makes me sick to think of a child being hurt:( keep being the amazing person you are and so strong! Never give up!!! Xo
Jackie N. Rioux I’m strong now because I have been weak. Fave rock song lyric… Bon Jovi: Take my hand we’ll make it I swear living on a prayer… That’s in my website
Lou Haselmeyer I just like to add that you should have written a book of your life, you would have made more money then you making now.
Jackie N. Rioux I have actually had the book idea suggested several times. Maybe one day I’ll write memoirs. I’m just not sure what all to put in it, what details…. I’ve had some pretty crazy stuff in my life, both good and bad, there’s lots in my website to read tho
Rob Smart Just keep being the wonderful person you are that I am proud to call my friend… And leave my ass out of any books you write….
Jackie N. Rioux Ha ha Rob… No stories of you harassing me and your sis on your mountain bike? Or… Oh ya.. that dressy pic… Ohhh… Lol that’s already on Facebook. U have no more secrets lol
Rob Smart You suck…. Lol
Debby Loset Holy crap, Jackie! I’ve always admired how strong you are but now I admire you even more after getting a glimpse into some pretty horrific things you endured as a child! I can’t even imagine! Our experiences–good and bad–make us who we are. I for one am very grateful for your ability to help me at times with comments and encouragement. Thank you for being the strong, encouraging friend that you are and please know how much you are appreciated!
Lou Haselmeyer Jackie, you did the same thing that your mother did. YOU KEPT SECRETS, Lets face it what it is your telling me, YOU KEPT SECRETS AND NOW I AM THE CULPRIT? THAT YOU GOT RAPED?????? I have no interest guessing yes or no. THAT SECRET IS THE SAME AS YOUR MOTHERS. I was told about it by a friend and it was hid from me for more then 35 years. It was a lie, that was never talked about. It is no wonder that the family life you experienced, turned out to be a disaster for you. (your mother argued every chance she got) Try as i wanted i could do nothing right. But that is what secrets bring about. The full impact of your situation, is NOW MADE KNOWN TO ME, way after the fact. your complains about your up-bringing. I am supposed to protect you from what i dint know. (YOUR MOTHER SAID THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME , YOU DONT UNDERSTAND) yes i admit, many mistakes were made. but look for a marriage manual, did you have one for your failed ones? I admit that i knew of the boy not leaving you alone, but what you tell now, in detail, leaves me speechless. I DID NOT KNOW When you had this feeling about me, why was it that you came to me with “girl things” to explain? Mother dont talk about it -you said. Remember the book from Grand mother? She did not want you to read the book? Did you know that your mother openly admitted , she dont trust me? OH mother dont care. Your timeline indicated that you made changes to “your birthing” and that I NEEDED TO CONFIRM TO BE DADDY. No, i did not ask for confirmation, you did. So, Jackie, dont turn words around and use them against me. OK, for you, i admit that i screwed up, monumentally, period. Try to understand (you said that you know psychology) According to you, i have done you terrible, that you lived in fear, now after all this time you come out that you could have put me in jail. I was reported by your mother, and the letter i found, made me aware of what was going on. Had you been right with what you say, I would not be in Mexico right now.( Now that you think your secrets comes out , I have to be part of your accusation? Now i became aware why Chantele did not want me to baby sit.( One more open secret) It is your word in your family. Yes it is easy for others to take you case, But you experience with the boy , lays heavy on me. what did you tell earlier? you knew in grade school that something was wrong in the family? Well then, Jackie, That you cared for me when i was in the hospital, i am immensely thank full., however for you to think that i degraded you in your believes, regarding the bible, read it again, For whatever it means to you, mistakes, secrets, problems, you have made it clear how you feel. NO i do not fake my believes in Christ Jesus. To late to say that i am sorry the way it all turned out. All readers of all this writing can choose to beleave as they will. It is said that mistakes are human, the more mistakes one makes ,the more human one gets to be. I am human and i made mistakes.
Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. First of all, I forgive you for everything. I dealt with my past. Secondly, if you would really like to understand abuses, particularly sexual abuse and even the affects of alcoholism, I suggest you find and read that Secret Survivors book. It will help you make sense of all of this, and even your own past. Thirdly, I am hoping you read the private email in its entirety, particularly the part about YOU, which actually affected me more than the horrors with that boy, even though the experiences with you are not quite as ‘bad’ physically, they were more damaging emotionally.
I have much more to say but it is getting late. This has been a semi public post and I made it that way not only to bring some understanding and closure to our family issue, but to let others read something that is far too common in our society and give others hope that they too can heal and make amends. I was not asking for sympathies for things I endured as they do not cause me grief anymore. I am also not asking anyone to judge you harshly, because now that secrets are out in the open they can be healed. I will write a reply to your concerns and post it tomorrow evening after work. For now, get some rest, and know that everything happens for a reason and for those who believe in God (because I also respect those who chose not to) know that HE is in control. Romans 8:28… all things work for good for those who believe (my paraphrase)
Lou Haselmeyer Yes, Jackie, you are a accomplished and a flawless writer and you have a lot of admirers. I have admitted to have made a lot of mistakes, as you did. Your e-mail did not tell much more, other then you telling of your experience with 2 other boys. Me? I have done nothing other then what i have grown up with. Was i hard on you girls? in retrospect, now i can say, YES.I was to protect you? do something i had no idea of what it was. you say “teaching”? that makes the mind go wild. With all the stuff you went through at 16 yo ultimately had a choice. you keep on crying about you. Did ever occur to you how i felt? Having a wife neglecting to do her duty? you coming to me for info on “girl things”, a grand mother interfering all the time? do you really think your the only one affected because of a miserable partnership? Do you really think i had sound full sleeps at night? Yes this is the mistake i made(of which i was unaware) and made you girls pay for it. I fell asleep many nights crying and thinking why your mother was so unfeeling. My big mistake was not knowing about the secrets (blame on me?) You tell your story flawlessly, but dont think that your the only one that got the knife where it hurts. You forgive me? it is easy to make comments here (nobody looking into your eyes) but only GOD knows our hearts and we each have to stand up for what we did in our lives. OK, no more comments on this subject.
Jackie N. Rioux There will be more comments here. We are not done until we are both in agreement that our ‘conflict’ has been resolved and healed. I have a response to your concerns, but I just got home from work, I’m tired and would like to take some time to formulate a response. I also have some more points to make in a general sense that I feel will help in the understanding process, especially for those reading along. I will post separately or also post in my Ladybug Wellness fan page.
Cheryl Miller I remember Jackie and yes u r an amazing women hugs to u girl xo
Lou Haselmeyer I will reply to your e-mail. In your post you made some hidden accusation of me doing harm to Tammy and others, because YOU DID NOT KNOW, WHY. In your last post you made the statement that I Possibly have not dealt with the past? I DID. But you had to dig up the dung pile. Why do you think I left Canada? To go to Mexico? Live there? It was very convenient NOT to say anything about very important issues. Why? Because it would make your readers think differently about you. All your readers encouraged you? They just read a hot story, and possibly, are bemused by it. Am I taken this all seriously?? You can be assured of it.
You talk about Tammy being mistreated? As you know with her dyslexia she is very possessive and did not want to give the chocolate back. When Chantelle was born, who took care of her? ME! Did you mind? NO, did you ever make a remark about me being a bad dad? NO! Several times I commented on your REIKI stuff, You needed to defend it as it is you way to make money. Do you forget that whatever you have or are, learned, posses, or do, the strength to do so, are all gifts from God. You made remarks as to how I treated your sister.
Did you ever bother why I had a problem with NOLA? NO? let me tell you ,one day before Nola came back from school I went to her room, to take some washing down, (I think that’s what it was) and when entering I was greeted by an very unpleasant smell, but that was only part of it. The carpet was covered with MAGGOTS, you get this right? MAGGOTS !! That is when I demanded to get the room cleaned up, which she refused to do. If she did not, all her belongings would wind up in the furnace. And she was not at home for a few days. Then several days later when I came home from work, the social services were there. As well, Nola’s girlfriend mother, who believed she could tell me off. Wrong way to start the evening. I told her to shut up and get lost, and I told the social worker he could take Nola out of here. Nola was just dumb founded. So, the services did not come to my house as you said because of you, because they believed I mistreated Nola for DEMANDING to clean the room. And you think I did not have the right to it? Much later when she was in Ausy land, and she was all smiles in her communications with me until I gave her a very large sum of money and after that accusations, just as you did.
Pulling crap like this did not go over well. Later she wanted me to pay for a school trip to France. I did.
You say why I left a little girl go into the mountains with a 16 year old? You have a mother that never cared about anything. And you, you had no choice to defend yourself at 16, and I was to protect you from what I don’t know? Whatever did happen to you in your youth reflects only on what wet on before you came into the picture. It started with your mother, and as you found out she did not care about your upbringing. That is where I came in to “teach you”. YOUR MOTHER WANTE TO BARE 12 BABYS, wrap your mind around this one.
You made changes to your time line about your birthing, (you did not me) it is your time line, not mine. YOUR TIMELINE wanted me to confirm your changes. You lie about this one, saying I wanted IT. YOUR confirmation. Before you could not “run away” you got pregnant and you got trapped? No you trapped yourself. YOU FELT SO BAD ABOUT SEX THAT YOU HAD TO TRY IT? You said that for 8 years I did not talk to you? Do you remember why? NO? Melissa and friend came to visit me at the trailer and went onto my computer to talk to “sh*thead” (your words) and at this time I found out what he was like, but you believed that I was going take his side in your personal disputed. You raised the middle finger several times. (time out) Melissa never told you? She should have.
In the beginning you did not mind to take my money to buy a house and a business. You lost it all and I paid, very nice. And when you returned from ocean trip and I used my money to repair your, home RAY came off the ground several feet. Swearing at me like a trooper for helping him to renovate his home. Very thank full.
If I was as bad as you make me out to be, why then was it that you mother stayed married to me for more than 30 years? Her antics just went too far and that is when I divorced her, which she did not want. She was scared I would take away her inheritance, According to Canadian law. Did you know that she went behind my back to the bank to remove her name from the loan we had? This is the kind of character that you have inherited from her. You say you forgive me? I would love for you to say it to me in person and look me in the eyes. But the internet is a good place to hide. Not with more rhetoric’s, and making yourself sound smart because you want OTHER READERS live better lives. The way you started the ball rolling there is only one word that will describe your action. You are as vindictive as your mother, always finding a week spot to put a knife to it. After you laid bare all you stories, you forgive me. Did you forget the comment you made long time ago in my presents, in my home? YOU said “THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, (how much better??) HAD I (YOUR FATHER) GIVEN YOU MORE SPANKINGS, WHEN YOU WERE SMAL. You say that you became a strong person, because of a week past? It is hard to believe the way you went on describing the feelings you and your family has for me. You poisoned your girls with love and forgiveness, about me. Right? That is forgivness.
This will be my last post on this and my issue has been resolved, but you Jackie have opened a kettle of worms and dug a knife into healed wounds. FANTASTIC.
Jackie N. Rioux
I had sent the details in a private email because not everyone needs to know gruesome details. Thank you for posting so much… You were mad that I deleted a post before because I was ‘hiding the truth’ so I am going to leave this all here. I won’t deny it either. Yes I got pregnant on purpose to escape home, I was pretty naive and learned the hard way. Yes you did help with the house. You also got paid out when it sold. Tammy is not dyslexic, she is developmentally challenged. I dont remember saying I needed more spankings. I remember a family friend worried that you were pretty hard on me already as the oldest kid. As for everything else, people reading this know me well enough to see thru all the BS and confusing details. They have just got to see firsthand now what I have dealt with all my life. Unfortunately, you have completely missed the whole point of everything, just as I suspected you would. The fact remains that you were the parent/adult, I was the child. That is the most important issue here. YOU raised me that way! It was when I was older than I managed to learn different and deal with the after effects of everything.
All this was meant to be about you and me, not mom, not any of my sisters, although my email does mention stuff about them because it obviously affects them too. You have not dealt with your past or understood anything of the after effects of the past because you are still quite obviously a victim, still abusive and you are oblivious to it. You are writing/talking the same way you always have. Did you see my post about Emotional Abuse? You are still using all the tactics and still blaming mom and me. Mom did the best she could under all the circumstances, and if she had past traumas as well, that explains a lot too. Through all my psychology stuff I’ve have tried to see you differently but you really haven’t changed or grown from the person I knew in my childhood. Why did mom stay married to you for so long? Probably because you threatened her so many times? The unpredictable rampages? Psychologically the battered woman syndrome. I remember black eyes a few times, you pinning her and threatening if she left. Several times you told me you’d take a chain saw to the bed you built if she left you. Definition of Vindictive: having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. I do not have any desire for revenge. All I have done is to bring to your attention the things you have done that detrimentally affected me. Did you see my post on restorative justice? That does not seem to be possible with you as you continue to cast blame.
Maggie Mae I have been silently reading this, thinking about the issues being raised. I am not one of Jackie’s ‘readers’. I am her friend and I have known her and you since I was very young. I think the first time met your family I was in grade one, (35 odd years ago) when I became friends with Danya. I think the point being missed here is that as a parent and an adult, when your child came to you with sensitive questions you used her to satisfy your own sexual needs. Leave aside siblings and your relationship with Helen. That one choice is the root of all this discord. If only a genuine heartfelt apology could be made, not one tucked inside blaming others to avert blame. Yes, there are four generations of complex family dynamics surrounding this discussion, but the core violation of trust between a parent and child is the fuel for this fire. Please forgive me if I’ve over stepped. I was awake last night thinking about this, and your (Lou) most recent comment spurred me to respond.
Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. Your comment is similar to many I have received through private messages yesterday and today from so many people who have known me almost as long as you have. You haven’t overstepped… This was posted publicly and open to opinions and comments.
Lou Haselmeyer I was well on the way not to get back to you on this subject but i have to say this (and that will be the last time) The problem here was the issue about your time line. You claim to have dealt with the issue of you past, but you had to dig up this kettle of worms and it snowballed. with all said and done, you did open a lot bad stuff in my memory. you tell me that you have forgiven me? that also would means “to forget” you did not. I had forgotten the past, and i had forgiven. After my hospital stay, i had a wonderful experience, that helped me to resolve a lot of issues in my life, my past. you will never understand the meaning “OF NEW” unless it happen to you. This is what you question about me, as you pointed out. Coming back to life gives you a hole new meaning of what is of value to you. Be as it may, you will not hear from me again. you can not forget, it has shown here.
Jackie N. Rioux Forgive is one thing, forget is another especially when actions had serious repercussions.
Melissa Rioux You know, up until now, I didn’t share the vehement feelings of disgust for you that my sisters have. Don’t get me wrong, I think what you did was despicable and disgusting. But you were still ‘grandpa’ to me. After reading your self righteous diatribes and attempts to justify your actions, I am ashamed to call you family. You blamed gramma’s apparent lack of attention to you and mom’s questioning of puberty for you abusing mom…”having a wife neglecting to do her duty? you coming to me for info on ‘girl things’ ” really? REALLY??? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME??? What the hell kind of pathetic bullsh*t excuse is that??? “I’m not getting enough sex from my wife, better go get it from my child instead” That was your first thought??? Seriously?!? Not to hire a prostitute? Or have an affair? Or heaven forbid, to TALK TO YOUR WIFE about your needs?? Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU weren’t fulfilling YOUR husbandly duties and satisfying your wife or giving her the love and attention she needed? No. It’s all about you. You clearly only give a sh*t about yourself and your needs. Because if you actually gave a sh*t about your family, NOTHING would be worth the price of your child’s innocence. Whether your wife was fulfilling her duties or not. It takes a real SICK, DISGUSTING and PATHETIC man to turn to their child to fulfill the role of wife. And then attempt to justify it?? THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!! So man the f*ck up and admit your guilt WITHOUT trying to place blame on others or to justify your actions. Then maybe you’ll get yourself into heaven and all your hyper religious, judgmental, and self righteous posts won’t be complete and utter bullsh*t. You go on and on about repentance, that only truly repentant people will be entered into the Kingdom of God, and that God can see the truth of devotion in other people’s hearts. Don’t forget that he also sees into YOUR heart and he knows you that you’re not truly repentant because you don’t believe you did anything wrong. Since you love to spout wisdom about Jesus, the Bible and God.. go read up on their views on incest and molestation and know that there is a special place in hell for unrepentant pedophiles.
Lou Haselmeyer YOU BELIGERENT girl, your inflming accusations and wording only stem from what you have been told and not for what you know, you should have been the proverbial fly on the wall. If somebody at your school told you repeatedly that 2+2=5, you would get all ornery and tell everybody that is the truth. Over the years you mother was the one training you and telling you what she thought right, but it served only to create a vipers nest. And if you are making disgusting remarks about my bed room, I HAD ALL I COULD HANDLE., as well your misguided reference to substitutes , are you really bereft of all you censes? yes you have imported brain cels missing. You brainless pup think you can come up with disgusting words to make me feel bad, your not. 2 years plus, i learned to forget, and a bit later to forgive and i live that way, but you in your ignorance have no way of comprehending a change. you think you know and your judgement of me? Only GOD know, and how oft did i admit to having made monumental mistakes? you did not read this did you, you select and condemn, I knew , when i said i would not reply, that some heavy stuff was coming down, right i was.
Lou Haselmeyer 2014-09-04 Jackie, you live by the words from Marge, IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WORD TO COME BACK WITH – – -. And if I say I do not reply any more, I wanted to see what came afterwards. It has proven over and over you have denied your own words. However, You need to take your missy to a veterinarian to get her fangs removed, because it showed the truth of what I said
Do you know what is the most puzzling thing here in all the word-exchange? After you say you have dealt with the past have forgiven me? YOU DID NOT HAVE THE GUSTRNOMICAL FORTETUDE TO MAKE ACCUSATION BEFORE THIS TIME. It took you more than 50 years to think this all up. Your girls are worce then you, there hissing is terrible, but of no hurt. The longer this keeps up, the more you get from the cesspool. Keep it up, you will have your satisfaction .
As you can see, FORGIVING AND FORGETTING BELONG TOGETHER, and now it is honestly up to you to think differently, but you’re not giving it up because you have to prove you are superior, or better, or right. As I have told you, I am living my experience, but that is something you cannot accept. If you were to live what you preach, you would not have done what you did. Jackie, now it is my turn to say, I forgive you, but be honest with yourself. Quit, using some body else’s smarts that you have learned in Collage. Getting into phycology, your only repeating stuff what other have put together before you, and before them, and them, perpetually, and that guaranteed makes you smart?
If you have a Bible, read all the references yourself allowing for different Bible translations. Please, don’t come back with smart remark about it.
I do apply #4 to you to the fullest extent, and if you can not say that you have the real “God given love”, (because then all negatives disappears) don’t quote the bible.
Jackie, you have said “I forgive you, forgetting is a different thing”
Consider the following: there are a 100 0ther references.
1) Philippians, 3-13,14-Brothers I do not think I have made it my own, but one thing I make my own, forgetting what lies behind and straining what lies ahead, – – –
2) Isaiah, 43-18-19- remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old, – – –
3) 2Corrinthiaqns, 5-17, therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation – – –
4) Ephesians, 4-31,32, Let all bitterness, wrath and anger and glamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, – – –
5) 1 John 1,9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful, He is faithful to forgive and cleans us from all unrighteousness, – – –
6) Isaiah 43-25, I am HE who blots out your transgressions for my own sake and will remember them no more – – –
7) Hebrew 10-17, I will remember their sins and lawless deeds no more – – –
😎 Hebrew 11-1, Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen
9) Colossians 2-8, now see to it that no one will take you captive by empty deceit , according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirit of the world – – –
Well here it is, you practice #9 to its fullest extend,
I REPEAT: TO THE ELEMENTAL SPIRIT OF THE WORLD
Jackie N. Rioux 1. I’m 47 not over 50. I have confronted you about the past at least 3 times before now. Each time you are still in denial. You are a classic sociopath and emotional abuser. One trait of a sociopath is they can quote scripture to support whatever confusions they so believe. Just keep digging your hole. I didn’t comment after your last post because there is just no reasoning with you. There never has been. All now it all shows.
Lou Haselmeyer Your dreams have robbed you of reality, it is not me that is in denial here, it is you. 3 times you try? you have build yourself a bubble of contentment, and living within that sphere, breathing the same air, gave you illusions. discounting the years of your unhappiness, it is definitely a long time ago, and you needed your pups to help you out, using a language, belonging in hell, and went along the way to make story’s believable. you dont want to accept that i have admitted mistakes, it does not serve you, you dont want to accept changes are possible, as well, it does not serve you. forgive and forget, would you put you on the spot, you deny it, it does not serve you, you lie about your time line, you will not admit, it does not serve you. how many more lie do you want me to point out? you dont have much more intelligent things to say, you keep on repeating. However, your psycho-babble does not impress me. Stay in your bubble.
Rae Nicole Why are you still on here?? If your sooooo happy with your new life then F*CK OFF we do NOT need you in our lives. My mom is an amazing woman no thanks to you. She and my dad protected us kids from pedofiles like yourself.
Jackie N. Rioux Ok. I think everyone has had about enough of this. I was hoping to keep this somewhat more respectful, but that failed. Ladies and Gentlemen this is my father in all his guts and glory. The original post above with his email shows he wanted recognition as being my father, which I can only acknowledge in a biological sense for now obvious reasons. His comments on the pic in my timeline (about sharing greatest weaknesses) also has comments from him. Well I think he has received the recognition he deserves. My meager attempt at restorative justice is not possible here. A sociopath must always exert dominance and gain the upper hand. When confronted they retaliate and spew venom to anything and everything around their intended target rather than maturely acknowledging the main issue. Accountability, mutuality, respectable boundaries, and acknowledgement is not possible here. For anyone who is in psych classes or social work and would like to use these exchanges as a ‘case study’ of some sort, my permission granted so at least there is some benefit here. I have adjusted privacy so he can’t post anymore. He can continue his tirades and harassment thru private email with me. A sociopath cannot handle rejection so they will spew insults until their ‘victim’ succumbs. It is only when they find they cannot control their victim, or when they are confronted that they may recede with their own sense of finality while still blaming their target. I am hoping he will disown me again so I can go back to peace without his condescension and judgments of me.
Cheryl Nelson Jackie…I am beyond words at the moment, having read of the horrors you have triumphed over in your life. I can’t “speak” but to tell you how deeply I admire you, how much I always liked you, and to send you mountains of love and hugs. Be well, dear one, and stay your beautiful, courageous self. xx
September 5 2014 Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. Yes I have overcome a lot and gained a lot of understanding and compassion. The ‘horrors’ I have survived unfortunately are not much compared to things that I know that other people have gone thru. Some people have also overcome, some have not and it really is my hope that being open about my ‘horrors’ will spur someone else to begin their own healing. Yet again… our greatest weakness can be turned into our greatest strength. Our traumas can be the key to our life purpose in helping others
September 6 2014 Lou Haselmeyer to Jackie N. Rioux
Jackie, it is good to stop our quibble, as it brings us nothing, however, words you spoken against me, well you will have to live with it. You shall remember them forever. I have goaded you for a long time and you have always reacted. I have said repeatedly, that I live by different rules now, which you will not accept and that I have made mistakes. However, your girls, they are a different matter. YOU deal with them. I will repeat to you, BE VERY CAREFULL OF WHAT YOU SAY.
Ephesians 4-29 let no corrupt communication – – –
Proverbs 15-1 a soft answer turneth away wrath – – –
If you are so inclined, search out yourself “THE POWER OF WORDS”. You have erased all comments, fine with me but your readers will think differently by now. But any way, be good and believe it or not
I HAVE NO ILL-FEELING TOWARDS YOU AND ONLY WISH THAT YOU SUCCEED IN WHATEVER YOU WISH TO ACOMPLISH.
GRANTED, THIS IS FINAL.
Vina Rocha Our children are a gift from above. Bless not Curse
Candice Willms-Carey Do not judge lest you be judged
Vina Rocha AMEN
September 20 2014 6:48 pm. Werner Wilhelm Otto (Lou) Lou Haselmeyer March 11, 1939 – September 20, 2014. Thank you for giving me life and life lessons that made me the person I have become today. Rest in peace. I’m sorry our last words were not the best. God speed. My father was in hospital with pulmonary embolism and had heart attacks this morning. Apparently passed about 3 pm today. My condolences to his wife Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer in Mexico and to all his family in Germany.
Dana Leanne Marshall I’m sorry for your loss and all your family.
Peter Walsh sorry sis
Fran Walker McGuinness Jackie, Danya and Nola. So sorry for your loss. Prayers and sympathies to you and your families. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers!
Noreen Spence ahhh I’m sorry Jackie. Love and peace to you and your family.
Ruth Anderson Sorry for your loss. . Prayers to all
Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer Thanks everybody for the condolences.
Margo Kiland sorry, always sad to hear of loved ones passing
Jacquie Woolley Hugzzzzzzzzz
Gordon Schultz-Hill Sorry to hear about your dad! I send all the hugs I can give!
Cynthia Walker ❤
Rob Smart Sorry to hear that my friend
Sarah Scarrow thinking of you!
Tim Wall Sorry for your loss
Kim Armstrong My Condolences Jackie
Sharon Swanson Jackie so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad ….our thoughts and prayers and love are for you xoxox take good care xxx
Andrea Lies Mein Herzliches Beileid, an die Familie. Ruhe in Frieden Lieber Onkel Werner( Lou).
• See Translation • My deepest condolences to the family. RIP dear uncle Werner (Lou).
Kerry Palagian Xo
Tamara Williams Jackie you have my condolences. Thinking of you. Hugs and take care.
Kat Tecson Valcourt My thoughts and prayers of peace and comfort are with you my friend.
Pam Bouvette Sorry for your families loss.
Wayne Enlow So sorry to hear about your father. My condolences and blessings to u and ur family.
Karla Woeste My condolences to you and your family. Now maybe some peace will come to all. Hugs to you!
Sarah Joyce Michel Holding you all in The Light.
September 21, 2014 Jackie N. Rioux The tapestry of life, world gratitude day and why am I crying….
Lots of mixed emotions yesterday and today. Thank you so much to many dear friends for all your messages and comments. Appreciated more than I can express in words.
Everything happens for a reason, the universe has perfect timing, and for those who believe as I do, God always has a plan bigger than we will ever understand. One analogy I love is the tapestry of life. God is up there making tapestries of our lives. The dark threads enhance the colors of our lives. We do not see the bigger picture until much later when we look back over our life and see that everything happened so that something else could happen. All intertwined, meaningful, and exactly the way it should be to learn our life lessons, to fulfill our purpose. As we go thru the events of our lives, we can feel so confused, hurt, and just at a loss of questioning “why me???”.
Today is World Gratitude day. How perfectly fitting for all the mixed emotions swirling in my mind. Loss, confusion, finally a freedom of sorts from the memories and bondages of the past, a culmination of beginning and end, and a heart of swelling gratitude.
Everything happens for a reason and many of you know that about two weeks ago, I felt pressured to make public my childhood experiences and the tumultuous relationship with my father. It was kind of a public acknowledgement, and now I see it was a closure of sorts. Now just a few weeks later, he is gone. Through the many messages received, I also now see that the ‘publicity’ was necessary and put the puzzle pieces together for so many people.
With all that made public, I am now feeling so confused as to what I am supposed to feel, what I should feel, and what I am feeling… or am I at all? I am still numb and in shock. All my life I have wondered about this day. How do you forgive the unforgiveable? How do you see the good virtues that were instilled in me in ways that only these experiences could have produced? I am strong minded, I am compassionate, I understand and can deal with much more than just the average person can even imagine to endure. I raised 4 children to be productive adults and good parents themselves. I am the eldest daughter so responsibility and the ‘obligation’ to protect my sisters is engrained in me. I was the guinea pig, raised much more ‘harshly’ than my sisters in some ways in all the trials and errors of the first child.
Thank you for all the messages last night and today. So very much appreciated to know I am so blessed with so many people in my life that are near and far. From my newest friends to cherished lifelong friends, all loved ones who have had an impact somewhere along my life path and I am so grateful for social media to keep you close to my heart in ‘virtual’ contact. Ever so grateful. THANK YOU!!
So, for those of you who now ask, why are you crying after all you have been thru? Well…. Let me share this: Wayne Dyer has some seminar CD’s I listened to a few years ago. “Spiritual answers to Life questions”. He shares an analogy that I have heard many times from other inspirational speakers, but added his own experience. The story is that before we come to earth, we choose our life purpose and the ‘characters’ in our life that will teach us our life lessons. In Wayne’s experience he told God he wanted to teach people how to be independent. So God said, ok.. we’ll give you an alcoholic mother, and absent father, you can grow up in orphanages and learn to be independent and then you can teach others. I actually laughed out loud when I listened to this!!! How perfect!
So that said, I will explain my own experience. One of the after effects of childhood trauma is skewed survival skills. You see a child has not yet learned certain things in their development and when faced with trauma, they find ways to survive when they cannot physically escape. I did not know until much later in my adult years that it is not normal to ‘separate’. (No that does not mean that I have a split personality, but in extreme cases of psychosis, yes that can be an explanation). What that means is that a child going thru trauma cannot escape physically so emotionally their mind shuts down to minimize the current experience. The weakness produced is that thru life, this skewed survival skill causes the adult to stay in uncomfortable or harmful situations and ‘freeze up’ where normal people would have left with their fight or flight response. (I have too many examples of this unfortunately).
I have learned to turn this skill into my greatest strength though now that I understand what it is and how I can use it to my advantage. I am capable of endurance. I am capable of staying in uncomfortable situations when I feel it would benefit someone else for me to stay and be supportive. I have understanding and compassion in these situations because I KNOW from my own experiences. I can face adversity and look fear right in the face. I have courage that comes from within, not from an altered state of drugs or alcohol. All these traits I would not have if I had not gone thru EXACTLY the experiences I have had. For that reason I grieve the loss of the person put in my life to teach me those skills.
For that reason it is essential to personal growth to forgive the unforgivable and to put my life purpose to good use in helping others cope with their traumas. Death is part of life, and a purpose has been served. May he go in peace to the afterlife, without worldly ties. Complete in his gifts to the people of this world. Many others more recently have been touched in good ways and I am grateful for that as well.
So in closing, one part of my life tapestry has come full circle. Very fitting for world gratitude day….. so my tears today are mixed with bittersweet memories and a sense of freedom and renewal. This is why I am crying… tears are cleansing for the soul.
For various reasons of responsibilities, time and distance, I was not able to go to my grandmother’s or my Aunt Dott’s funerals. I am also not able to go to Mexico right now. Today I am going to go to Ancient forest, I think that is quite fitting for me right now. And light a candle later…
Angela Broman hugs.
Doina Martinez really well said Jackie
Jackie N. Rioux You know… lots of people tell me I seem to have good writing skills, expressing things written. With all my father’s broken english, German and Spanish influences…. I actually got my love of language and expression from him…
Amy Richards My Love to you, Jackie N. Rioux, thank you for sharing your beautiful, and tragic but inspiring story. Someday remind me to tell you the story of my, “ real estate friend.” I know you will relate. God Bless you and Guide you and Inspire you in your Healing Work, and life! ♥♥♥♥♥♥
September 23 2014 I’d like this to be the last memory of my father, knowing his last year’s were happy in Mexico and that so many people loved him and appreciated the good in him. I’ve only seen him once since 2003. It’s nice to see him with such a peaceful smile.
Angela Broman hugs lady.
Danya Rossi i have a picture of him at the reception in his poncho…should dig that out
Jackie N. Rioux Please do…. I am realizing I have hardly any pics of him… A few when the kids were little… just not many at all.
Andrea Storti I’m so sorry Jackie. I know I have issues but I couldn’t imagine my kids going through life not knowing their dad. You kind of reminded me to realize how easy it is to hurt your kids! Thank you – I think your posts on your dad have made me a better dad
Jackie N. Rioux Thank you…. There are good memories just so many bad ones and especially this last fall out with him stirred up so many things…. No matter what the relationship was like it is just so hard. I’m glad my posts have had a positive impact somewhere… for someone else to not endure or make the same mistakes. Seriously, so many people have told me through my life I should write a book about my life. Dad even said it sarcastically recently… I am thinking of it more and more to actually write my memories both good and bad so all can see that good does come in the end, that life lessons are learned even in the bad times… and that those should never be the focus… I am realizing more and more the blessings I have with the people in my life, the amazing memories and honestly the good things, virtues and characteristics in me that came from my father. If my life can be an example to others I would love that.
Andrea Storti smile
Andrea Lies Grandpa Karl 2 (father of Onkerl Werner-Lou)
September 23 2014 I love you Mom. Thank you for reminiscing conversations last night. I know this is a hard time for you as well. He may have been out of your life for a while, but coming to terms with the death of a person who was part of your life for 35 years along with all of us girls, still brings a unique sense of grief. All the memories both good and bad still have made us who we are. And yes there were some good things about him… The camping trips, his resourcefulness, we always had food, he built the home we lived in and was creative in the other things he made, he was so nice and giving to strangers, and he held a job all his life keeping busy. So yes there are some good memories we all have of him, just no more eggshells. Big hugs!!! Helen Burnett Haselmeyer
Lisa Smart-Hampton ❤ I love you Jackie …I think about you often. I love seeing your family on fb and feeling joy over how much you have overcome. You are amazing. ❤❤
Jackie N. Rioux Thanks Lisa, The last couple weeks have really been a HUGE reality check for me in culminating life lessons and just so much more in realizing sooo many people who have had tremendous and uniquely instrumental impacts on my life over all my years. You were one of them too. I was actually just telling mom last night of the notes we passed in private school and the night we were laughing our little heads off when you warmed up that chili laden leftover pizza for me. Stop laughing you lil *****
Life is amazing when we start seeing the tapestry for the beautiful artistry that it really is….. Thank you for being part of my journey as well
Guadalupe Guerrero Haselmeyer And he was the same still the last days.
Gordon Schultz-Hill You are a very unique woman! I am glad you have found a way to forgive the wrongs of the past! Stay strong my friend and my all your endeavors be fulfilled!
Maggie Mae I remember your Dad taking the time to show me how he made silver jewelry. I remember one hilariously terrible dinner he made by dumping ALL the leftovers into a casserole, then adding a can of pineapple. Danya Rossi and I were rightfully skeptical of this culinary adventure.
Jackie N. Rioux ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG yes!!! Ya, I learned a lot with the jewelry making, and my fascination with rocks and such are all from him. The dinners though… omg… I still have the ‘ability’ to make dinners like he used to, experimental style… Like my baking… usually tastes good, just its always an experiment lol
Dana Leanne Marshall Your a beautiful person Jackie
Rachelle Delorey Sending you love and light to all your family xoxo
Sharon Swanson I came across the silver whale necklace pendant your Dad gave to me many years ago when I used to babysit… I remember all his polished rocks ….I was going thru my Life suitcase….all the little things with all the memories of a journey thru life times…..the good memories will out run the not so good memories with time Jackie…. you are a wonderful and vibrant and caring Beautiful Lady!!! Xox
Al Price Sorry to hear about your Dad’s passing. Pass my condolences to your sisters. Tammy is taking it hard. She spend the day with me yesterday
Jackie N. Rioux Thank you. And thank you do much for being there for Tammy…. She has such a big sensitive heart and I know is taking this so hard.
Angela Robertson Sending my condolences Jackie.